Question

[Annegirl]

Im trying to find a way I can chill out when I start feeling angry or triggered, I think I have been in flashbacks for a couple of months even though I kept trying not to think about my foo etc and get on with my life and stay positive, but I had two outbursts during this time like maybe it was building up?, the last one yesterday I shattered the window with my hand, just didnt even see it coming, wasn't even trying to stop or breathe or get out of the situation, how can I think straight when Im angry? or catch myself before i get too triggered?thats my question. I don't want to do anything like this ever again.

[Rain]

That is scary, Annegirl.   Did you get hurt with that?

Are you, or have you considering, working with a Somatic Experiencing professional (they work with your body on releasing trauma)?

Glad to see you again, Annegirl at OOTS.   

[Annegirl]

  you made my day Rain, Thank you for your kind words, and I have never heard of that type of therapy, sounds like something I should look into. Thanks for that advice.

[schrödinger's cat]

My husband grew up with a NPD/BPD sibling, which caused rage (obviously) and made it very unsafe to express said rage (also obviously), so it's still right there. However, I wouldn't be surprised at all if PD siblings were a lot easier to cope with than PD parents. He smashed an old appliance once when it was on the blink, which is how we discovered that I'm really very jumpy indeed and very easily startled. So now he leaves the room, and just swears to himself and punches things that don't break. But like I said, his trauma is easier to deal with - has to be, since he doesn't have CPTSD.

Maybe it comes from being European, but I'm not finding it all that scary? I mean, a window can be replaced. Your hand can't, so, hm, yes, I hope you didn't cut yourself too badly. But people from Southern Europe often have explosive rages, it's just a part of life. I'm from Central Europe, we're not precisely serene either. So if you lived hereabouts, it wouldn't be anything too out of the ordinary if you had a stash of cheap china in case you ended up feeling like you had to smash something. Not sure if that's an option at all, or if it would help or make things worse. What do you think about this whole concept - redirecting your rage, as it were? Do you think it would be an option at all?

What about activities that let you blow off steam? Any kind of exercize that moves the larger muscle groups is said to be an excellent way of steadying one's mood, since it builds off stress hormones. It's highly recommended for people with PTSD. Things like running, boxing, swimming, dancing, chopping firewood, even just brisk walks.

Smashing a window is probably a part of your Fight Response, yes? So would that be an area where you could find a few answers? Like: if your Fight Response was long dormant, if you were discouraged from having it, and now this is a first sign that it's reasserting itself...? Behavioural patterns that we're unfamiliar with are often expressed in this ham-fisted all-or-nothing kind of way, from what I heard (which isn't much, I'm no expert). No idea what this would mean though. Hm. Maybe this: are there ways to actively strengthen and foster your Fight Response so it can express itself in a healthy way, in a way you're better able to control?

That would be based on the following assumption: if you find ways to express with your Fight response and anger while it's still manageable, or if you find ways of feeling it and expressing it at all (in case you never got to do that before), then it would even out the curve, as it were. It would prevent your anger from building up to the point where the dam just breaks and the sheer power of it sweeps you off your feet. - And I'm not at all sure that this assumption is correct. I suppose your therapist would know more?

Sorry for the ham-fisted brainstorming... but I'm very wary of giving advice when I know so little about the topic, so I thought by making it obvious that I'm just guessing, it will be less damaging?

[Annegirl]

Wow SC I am amazed that was all you brainstorming!!
I am literally SO impressed.
That helped me SO very much!!! I can see exactly what you are saying and it also helped that it is 'normal' maybe thats why my therapist didn't bat an eyelid when I told her the story, which helped, but her husband is from Eastern Europe
She talked mainly to my husband though as for the first time he wanted t talk to her (I was stoked) so I didn't hear her point on my matter. So what you told me (incredibly off the top of your head is something I will re read again and maybe again, until I will be able to discipline myself to redirect it. I was going to buy my son a punching bag and I will use it too 
Thank you again

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks for your kind words.     Punching bag sounds good! I heard it can be damaging for one's hands if one doesn't do it the right way. But learning how could make for interesting conversation starters. "What are your hobbies, mild-mannered stay-at-home mother?" - "Oh, you know... crocheting, romance novels, roundhouse kicks..."

[Annegirl]

hahahahaha LOL