Re-traumatization-trigger warning

[rosemarie]

Trigger warning: sexual/emotional abuse

I've recently extricated myself from another abusive relationship. I was sexually abused as a child by my bio father (not to mention the emotional and psychological aspects...and that he is probably truly BPD, no contact for about six years though he 'found' me last year and I just throw away things he sends). This abuse trauma has been repeated in adolescence quite a few times and adulthood over and over again. I have never had a safe or remotely healthy relationship. Despite lots of therapy (inpatient, outpatient, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc) for the past ten years and now extensive knowledge of these types of narcissists, it happened again. I'm pretty sure I just dissociated most of the time because I finally was able to leave him (hopefully for good this time) a couple of weeks ago and have had little to no contact since (just to get my things back). I currently don't have a therapist and am looking for one in a rural area where possibly none are competent in complex trauma. 

I just feel a need to get some of it out, I don't feel like I can't say it out loud, it's just easier to write it. For the past four months or so I've been living at his place in terrible conditions. He's a drug dealer and had been pressuring me to do cocaine and smoke pot and drink with him. Lots of unsafe characters came through and were inappropriate towards me and when telling him how unsafe I felt he would just turn that around and use it to shame me that I might cheat on him. It was a complete psychic hijacking. He got me to trust him early and tell him about trauma and once he had me trapped he used it all as weapons to demoralize me and keep me under control. If I brought up issues with his behavior, he would tell me I was crazy and gaslight me or tell me it never happened. (Trigger warning) These behaviors included grabbing my private parts in public and laughing, withholding affection then forcing himself sexually and ejaculating in me without my approval (rape) and making me take hormone pills that I have bad reactions to for fear of pregnancy, telling me he was doing it for me, telling me I was a complete nightmare and no one could want me, convincing me I was a narcissist, not letting me sleep/disturbing sleep patterns, controlling food intake/starving me, threatening violence, constant little and big put downs and verbal humiliations, using 'I love you' to get away with bad behavior, to eventually the other night when he was holding me down and kissing me and choking me and not stopping when I told him to, then telling me the next day I made it all up and am insane.

I feel like I just dreamed it all. Like I wasn't really there, so I know I was dissociating. I feel al lot better since getting away from him and not being fed substances all the time or told I'm nuts. But I'm also super triggered at realizing all of the above mentioned things happened because I just pushed them out and went somewhere else, or went into denial. I'm scared to leave the house really. I think every truck I hear on the street is him. I've been either numb, very emotional, or hopeless. Something in me is still fighting but I'm so frightened at how easily this happened to me again. I feel like it's my fault, like I should know better after all of the therapy and research and practice and self love. I feel like I will never be able to have a healthy relationship or intimacy and I can't trust my own judgement cause I am attracted to these psychos. Because part of me knew what he was and just went along with it like, "F-it" mentality, I'm so lonely and starved for love and affection. I feel like I'm addicted to abuse. I don't know what to do anymore. Any support or advice that comes to mind is greatly appreciated. I feel like I could write a book about abuse trauma I know so much at this point, but I'm still not safe...

[Three Roses]

I'm so so very sorry to hear your predicament, rosemarie. It makes me very angry to hear how he took advantage of you! You're not crazy, you're not a narcissist, you're correct in saying that he was gaslighting you, and NONE of this is your fault.

The first thing is your safety. You deserve to be safe and well treated. I'm glad you decided to post here on the forum, so that you get the emotional support you need. Please take every precaution to make sure you are safe!! I know that others on the forum will answer here and give you ideas and insightful feedback.

I would write more but I'm having a hard time with language right now. Please take care of yourself!

[rosemarie]

Thanks three roses. I'm re-reading Pete Walker's book right now, especially the four F's and codependency. I am so sick of being codependent. I would say I am Flight-Freeze-Fawn. Maybe more like flight dominant with a freeze or fawn subtype, freeze in response to re traumatizing abuse situations like above. I just want it to stop. Today I'm realizing I go into complete emotional flashbacks just having to ask to have a need met, from anyone. It doesn't help I am dependent on my mother who means well at this point and maintains she didn't know I was being abused but never quite met my needs as a child and so my abusive father would come in and 'rescue' me, making me trust her even less. Anyways, just asking for money for gas right now, I feel like the thought of it sends me into panic mode. And if she rejects my needs I totally lose it. I would rather hide, starve, or go without what I need than ask anyone. It's awful!