I never realized I was isolated (I'm thinking aloud here)

[writetolife]

I didn't think I was isolated.  After all, I went to school, etc.  But I'm starting to realize that I was, in insidious, less obvious ways. 

For example, I was taught to fear/distrust/dislike social workers, police, school counselors, doctors, teachers and anybody in the helping jobs because, according to my father, those were the people who mistreated other and broke up families.  But a couple weeks ago, through a series of events, I ended up sitting across my doctor and later a social worker, who both began working hard to find resources to help me escape the verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive environment I'm in.  And I realized that I was intentionally kept away from these people because they were the people who could help, who could see through my living situation and help me get out of it.  I was isolated by a false belief in who I should and shouldn't trust.  I was taught "Don't trust anyone but your family," when in fact, some of my family members were the very people I shouldn't have trusted. 

And today I helped out at my church's middle school youth group, just kinda hanging out with the teens.  And I watched how much the kids love and trust the youth pastor, his wife, and their helper, and how much having a stable, adult "ally" is important to them.  That wasn't something I had growing up.  I didn't see much of family members I didn't live with, most of the time I had no groups or activities that weren't connected to school, and the only other adults I saw much of were people left over from my dad's past days of doing drugs.  I had absolutely no one to go to because I didn't think I could trust anyone.   

So yeah, I wasn't kept in a Rapunzel style tower, but I was cut off from the world nonetheless. All in the name of controlling my mom, sister, and I, as well protecting an undeservedly good reputation.        

[Blueberry]

I can so relate to that, especially your examples in the second paragraph. I ended up not trusting anybody outside the family. Even minor points, like not being in other people's cars in case they'd had a drink too many though actually someone in my own FOO sometimes had a drink too many or would doze off at the wheel.

I was certainly taught to fear/distrust/dislike social workers and doctors, and later on especially psychiatrists as well as of course therapists and psychologists. I was even warned that they might make me believe things that had never happened. Because you see in FOO's opinion I was so 'gullible'. Especially abuser no. 1 accused me of that  for supposedly listening to other people's opinions on what was going on in our family. That wasn't even true, I had formed my own ideas on something feeling very amiss in my FOO. My most gullible action however was believing all the critical, hurtful comments that were spewed at me over the years when I was growing up. I see the irony there and don't actually accuse myself of gullibility.

Thank you for bringing this topic up, writetolife. Good on you for helping out at a youth group. It can be healing to be among people who act and think differently to the way things were in our FOO.

[joyful]

Yes, this was me too. They tried to talk me out of therapy because the therapist might make me think that i was abused... Excuse me??? Same thing with leaders in our church. I never had a strong connection like the other kids. F saw them as a threat I think. A threat to his power and control. He was the only authority figure we should care about. Same thing with teachers. it was difficult to meet with teachers after school, did we think THEY could help us more than HE could. Well, honestly ...yes!
Also we never really were allowed to go to friend's houses. They might contaminate us or pollute us or plant ideas in us that drew us away or something.
My goodness this got me a little worked up!
Thank you for posting writetolife 

[Kizzie]

Yes, thank you for posting writetolife, you remind us that abuse can be large/visible, but also subtle and nuanced. In your case isolating you from those who might have helped you to see things your FOO didn't/don't want you to know worked well for a long time. So glad you're able to see things more clearly now, hopefully that will go a long way in recovery 

[writetolife]

Blueberry and Joyful,

I'm so sorry you've had to experience that.

A threat to his power and control.

For my F, I swear everything came down to this too.  Anything that could possibly threaten his control was very dangerous. 

It's interesting that for all three of us, our abusers tried/try to keep us away from mental health professionals.  I was always told that they were crazy, all very against God, and would tell you that there were things wrong with you that weren't.  Now, from a place of little more clarity, I suddenly realize that my getting input from someone else threatened his control. 


Kizzie, thank you for the encouragement. 

[Kizzie]

 

[joyful]

It's interesting that for all three of us, our abusers tried/try to keep us away from mental health professionals.  I was always told that they were crazy, all very against God, and would tell you that there were things wrong with you that weren't.  Now, from a place of little more clarity, I suddenly realize that my getting input from someone else threatened his control.

My F told me that he could help me just as well if not better than any therapist... I wanted to say that if it wasn't for you i wouldn't need to go to a therapist!!! I've watched his "sessions" with my other siblings who are too ashamed of seeing a T. it starts with 'tell me what's wrong with you right now!' and after a tearful 'nothing' ends with 'well then stop this nonsense'
.................

[writetolife]

My F told me that he could help me just as well if not better than any therapist... I wanted to say that if it wasn't for you i wouldn't need to go to a therapist!!! I've watched his "sessions" with my other siblings who are too ashamed of seeing a T. it starts with 'tell me what's wrong with you right now!' and after a tearful 'nothing' ends with 'well then stop this nonsense'

Oh my goodness.  That's terrible.

[Kizzie]

That must be so hard Joyful    My FOO didn't get the irony either.  Your post reminded me of sitting with my NPDB who I am NC with now, and having a surreal conversation about parenting, as though like our NPD parents portrayed, he were a caring, loving, capable parent.  All of this was whilst his family was in chaos and beginning to unravel. He did not seem to see that he and his now ex-wife were traumatizing their children. I now understand that having NPD shaped his thinking into something that allowed him to believe he was doing right by them.  Still, it was and is very difficult to understand how he could not see the obvious.  I chose to go NC (No Contact) with him because he is locked into that disordered way of thinking and I simply couldn't be around him any more without wanting to shake him and/or triggering.

So , I know those moments too, there were many of them with my FOO too.  I am really glad to hear you understand it is your F that has the problem ( took me a long time to figure out my FOO had NPD and were/are abusive), and now to have some help to get out from under his control.  Rooting for you 

[joyful]

Thanks Kizzie  I am grateful for the knowledge and understanding, but it can be sooo hard sometimes, as I'm sure everyone here knows

[Kizzie]

We do Joyful, we really do.  Hang in there