Divorce is so hard

[FreedomIsSweet]

Obviously. I knew it would be hard. I know now that the relationship was harder. It's not easy being with an abusive narcissist. I am trying to keep perspective in this giant mess of a situation.

I am 29. I was only married for a year but with my husband for four. The abuse was always there but was taken into overdrive the second we said I do.

It took every fiber of my being to leave him. For the last 8 months since I left I have gone through a few stages.

September - August: Horrible Fear (Is he coming to find me)
August - October: He is completely indifferent. Never even cared I was gone. This allowed me to separate and feel free for the first time in a very long time.
October - January: CPTSD kicked in. Started remembering things I forgot / anxiety, anger, self defeated
January - Now: I feel defeated. Sad. It's so hard to lift me up off the floor.

I grew to accept his indifference to me. I had to accept it in the relationship. We built a business together. A life together. I didn't want to take anything from him in the divorce. Despite the fact that I invested my life savings in building his business. I wanted to walk away knowing that I gave him everything with a fullness of heart and the hopes of building a brighter future together.

But now things are crashing down. He didn't pay his business taxes and now the government is taking almost 50% of my paycheck to cover it (he forged my name on our taxes). My credit was destroyed in the marriage. I can't get a loan. And I'm working for an emotionally abusive company that I now cannot leave. My car is falling apart. I can barely afford gas and food. My credit cards are maxed out and in collections. And the divorce bills...oh man. They keep coming in. My husband did not respond to any of my lawyers notices for his financials, so he is now being held in contempt of court.

And then, without notice (I could never predict his actions), he texted me on Friday at 2 AM.

"I still think of you every night before I go to sleep. You are the sweetest person I've ever met and still love you. I can understand why where we are we are. Just know I'll always be there for you. And I'll always love you."

You can tell by some of the nonsense sentences that he was drunk. I have been waiting 8 months for this message, not that I would ever want to go back. But I somehow wanted a trace of validation that he actually loved me in the relationship, or at least thought he did.

This message threw me for such a loop. He has ruined so much of my life. He took from me every chance he could. And now that he's suffering he's trying to loop me back in. He wants me to save him. This message came after he was held in contempt of court for not submitting his financials, and publicly lying and defaming my name in front of a judge (thankfully my lawyer defended beautifully). "I'll always be there for you"....Ha.

I feel defeated. I feel sad. I feel heartbroken. I feel angry. I don't know how to get out of bed and go to work. I don't know how to see friends or family.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole. I'm praying for strength (and I'm not typically a praying woman).

If anyone reads this, please send me any positive thoughts you may have even if you don't respond. I need a little help.

Thank you for reading.

<3 d.

[Three Roses]

Sending you tons of positive thoughts! You'll get thru this, hang on - hangin' right here with you! 

Yes, he's trying to suck you back in. I'm glad you can see that. Love is not just a feeling; it's what you do, not what you say, that makes a person feel loved. Without loving actions, I doubt love's presence.

[Mommatired]

sending loving thoughts❤️

[FreedomIsSweet]

Thank you. It really does make me feel better feeling the love. Thank you thank you.

[sanmagic7]

allow me to add some love and caring to that of the others.  what a crummy place he left you in.  i, too, am glad to see that you recognize he just wants you back because he's in trouble.  hang tough! 

as overwhelmed as you are right now, i believe that, little by little, things will get sorted out and you will get your life back.  it may not happen tomorrow or next week, but it will happen, freedomissweet.    you will get out from under this gigantic rock he rolled onto you.  step by step, a little at a time.  it will happen.

i've been in that place where i've prayed for strength just to make it through the day.  i'm still here.  it comes for us, sometimes in unexpected ways.  don't let go.

[PhoenixRising2015]

Sending you lots of positive energy!  Stay strong!!!  Like sanmagic said, it'll get sorted out.  Be kind and patient with yourself and keep taking care of yourself.