Part of the journey of leaving narc X partner

[Sienna]

haha yes. I didn't want to drink with them. and yes, alchol makes everything worse. It woudkl have been ok if I had drank with different people- people who didn't act like that.
I would rather be aware and sober than not.

[Sienna]

Man.
Not sure i will be able to complete these forms in time, and not sure if i can ask for another extnetion.
Dreading my assessment - not got one yet.
I'm having one of those evenings, where I'm working on the form, but feeling hopeless, and that ill just end living at dads, another things i will have to survive that will be added to these set of *challanges* , that my life has become about.
Im tired of being challenged.

The assessment, because others are are on this benefit cos they have blagged the system and don't need the benefits, they are asking others who are really entitled to the benefits, to do assessments.
So because they are reluctant to give away money to others, and because people are getting it who shouldnt be who fake disability...
we have to prove we are eligible for this benefit.
I have been told to exaggerate my condition (VI), and i cant and that when I'm asked questions, to say i cant do hardly anything.
Its everting my mother taught me not to do..she made me feel so ashamed and embarrassed about my condition that i hide it from others, so others think i can see more than i can too.
its automatic for me and i cant do the assessment.
i know i would forget / disassociate and freak out. i know i woulnt be able to answer the questions and even if i could take my time to think and answer the questions about the things i find difficult due to the lack of vision i have, i know i would space out and not be able to answer, as i have this like, gag reflex in which my throat constricts and i cant speak.
I am forbidden to be honest and tell the truth, let alone exaggerate.
I wold be like this worried even if i could just simply be honest and tel the truth as i was never allowed to and I'm scared.
Im scared to be honest. Im scared to be dis believed.
I'm scared about the forms, and I'm scared about the assessment. this needs to work so that i can get my own place to live.
i cant go back to dads and i know i would be terrified. of everting there.
of being alone in the house. of mum. of dad.
trigger *.
and I'm worried ill be so triggered by this assessment, and that i will feel humiliated and ashamed.
i fear that i will just break down after the assessment has finished, or during it.
god.

[Danaus plexippus]

If honesty is your core value, do not fake competence and get a magnifying glass. You need it.

[Sienna]

Really hammering my form, after such a great day, as i have get it done.
I literally have tears just pouring down my face, researching so that i don't miss anything, and writing about the difficulties i have in getting about.
I have no choice but to write this form but its just so triggering.

Im remembering things my mother said to me, how i was in trouble for falling down some steps one time, and it was not my fault but due to my vision loss.
i felt that i was stupid and clumsy my entire life.
I cant do anything to alert others that i don't see well, and to make my life easier.
Everything my X said was true. I can't make my life easier for my fear.
I don't know why it makes me cry so much. I ve never looked at this. Ive never grieved it.
To help myself would feel like giving up, and my entrie life and self worth has been built upon me looking totally indipendant and capable, and as through i never struggle with anything.
My mother made me this way from a very early age and i had no idea that the struggles i have are due to my lack of vision.
It was never accepted but instead shamed, and i had know one to help me understand this thing i have that makes me function a little differently.

Earlier today, i fell down a hole at the Allotment, and brushed it off embarrassed as always making it clear that i was *alright*- no show here kind of thing.
This guy who i really really like...asked if i was ok, and i noticed he was looking out for me a lot day.
My mother never did this and i just find him so caring. I wish he could care about himself more though.

[Danaus plexippus]

I fall a lot too. Do you have glasses? You should have a white cane. You may qualify for a seeing eye dog. Being vision impaired is nothing to be ashamed of. This is just one more example of the neglect your parents committed against you. People living with vision impairments have rights! Address this issue with your case worker. In case you ever wondered, I use a larger size font because I'm visually impaired and need a magnifying lens to read most things especially on my phone.   

[Sienna]

Omg! Another person who is VI. I cant believe it Danaus! I never thought i would find anybody else in the Cptsd world such as on this forum, and sure, they must exist.
I felt like the only person- and felt that those who understand abuse we went through, wouldnt understand this VI thing and i felt i that that would seperate me a bit as other would not understand how a narcissist reacts to a child with a *disability*.
I put it in quotes as I'm still embarrassed to name it that.

Glasses don't work for me. Im registered blind and ditched the specs because they didnt improve my vision.
Thanks a lot Danaus for understanding and for telling me that its nothing to be ashamed of.

I don't have a cane- and was never encouraged to use one even though my parents noticed i struggled in unfamiliar places. Had some collisions with cars lately and writing about it on my form- just X said all this stuff about how i could make my life easier and he was right, and now that he is not here for me to bluff denial too, I'm starting to see his point, i mean, really see it, now that I'm paying more attention to how i feel and its sad because even though he helped in the wrong way...he has gone, and I'm left alone with his truth in my head.
Don't know if I'm making any sense.

I use large print and the magnification on my phone too. Thanks Danaus for sharing that. 

[Sienna]

Just want to get this down as part of this *journey*, although , this journey doesnt feel like it fits...as i think i have compartmentalised everything and tonight, I'm back in the past...anyway..

Tonight, i got a Facebook message from the mother of the little boy in the refuge.
She hasnt been here and has been on a long trip away.
I kept wondering if she would be back.
She told me she had to leave. that she had bene here to long so the council said she needs to leave. She is in a hotel, and she thinks they will find her housing.
I always thought i would leave before they do, and i had visions of what i would say to the little boy...that saying not much would be best...but i would hug him and wish him the best.
They have gone. Im glad. I am finding it hard to feel elated about anything lately.
But yes, they have gone.
I don't want to see them again. I know they will be part of my *bad memories*. But i will never forget this little boy and how this situation taught me so much about part of what happened to me as a child.

[Sienna]

Ok. i feel weird writing here, as I'm realising lately just how much i hurt my partner. that we were both to blame.
Had meeting with woman at refuge.
She said my time is nearly up- though i have up to eight months here. We are not near eight months. Its August and i only came in may.
She said i need to apply for housing on home finder, but i cant unless I'm registered as living here, and
i can't if i don't have any money to pay for a flat.
Had assessment in my home town to sort out money but they cancelled it.
They re arranged it for next wed.
rnib advised me to not tell them I'm in cov in a refuge at the moment. So i was just gonna go next wed to the appointment.
Lady said PIP (what the assessment is for), will find out if i register as living in cov.
Thats ok though. But what if they question my money? and circumstances?
apparently they wont, but the woman thinks they will.
god. I'm being told so many different things.
don't know if i wrote about the refuge on the form. if so they might know I'm in cov. they sent my letter about the appointment to cov.
i hope this wont effect my money.
the fact that i never told them id moved in with my partner ilelgally- even though Rnib advised me not to tell them that, as they would take money of me and my parenrer and we would loose the house.
and the landlord was happy with me living there, even though i couldnt pay the rent.
I tried interviews for jobs. not making excuses, but i couldn't do them and said to myself - never again . too triggering and stressful with Cptsd stuff going on.
so i don't have a job.
this money I'm entitled to and its for life. I'm on a low rate when i shouldnt be.
so yes.

lady said on sunday we will meet again and she will seek advice to tell me what to do.
if its different than what Rnib said, and if i have said I'm in a refuge on the form, i don't know what to do.

I CANT go back to live in my home town. i would have to leave T (and it may work out with her), and leave those who i know, what i do daily, and start all over again.
it feels awful being back there, when i went back for the assessment.
I would be so alone, and i cant live with my dad.
i cant. for many reasons.

just wanted to vent that.

[Sienna]

Just for my own personal record.
Finished notes for assessment just now. yay!
Assessment this wed.
Last time before the assessment two weeks ago-
i didnt finish the notes. wasnt in a good phrame of mind at all.
I wonder if the assessment was cancelled, to give me chance to prepare, like some higher power is making things right for me.
I knew i had to take this chance and make the notes, so that i could hopefully have a chance at talking about stuff.
maybe i had been given a second go of it.

And, after the assessment whilst waiting for the results, i can register as living here and get myself on home finder.
Feels like things are moving, as i got a letter about how to set up an account on home finder from key worker, who is great- better than the other one.
Maybe i wasnt crazy to not like the other one very much as the contrast is outstanding.

[Danaus plexippus]

Glad to hear progress is being made. Keep up the good work! I'm happy for you. I hope all works out for your betterment.

[Sienna]

Aw, thank you Danaus! Thats really nice!
Hope your ok. 

[Danaus plexippus]

For the past several weeks I've been titrating myself off the SSRI I've been prescribed. I'm journaling about it under SSRI Withdrawal.

[Sienna]

I will check out your thread  Danous and see how it's going for yiou. You are very brave.
I also came off mine and didn't find it please t at all. Here supporting you