Major EF

[hurtbeat]

I had a major EF at work today, though I almost expected it this time as I have been monitoring my mood very carefully.

It's always like this: I feel happy about something, like having worked on my CPTSD and noticed progress.
First it's like falling in love and feeling like everything will be just fine but after a while the feeling fades and the inner critic comes creeping from the background ever so discretely to remind me of the harsh reality.
Soon everything spirals down and I have a full blown panic attack 

I didn't know I suffer from panic attacks until just recently because I always "implode", you can barely notice it on me but it physically HURTS in my chest though my heart isn't racing.
(That's how they always describe panic attacks)
There's just so much rage inside me and it destroys me from the inside and leaves me with terrible "brain fog" that reminds me of how my friend was after her stroke when she had to go and lie down in a dark room after socialising.

No one has really understood my pain since you can't see it on the outside thanks to my mother who forced me to stop crying when I was a child and told me to suck it up.
She would often trigger me when I was happy and bring me down and she was pleased that I became so quiet and grumpy.

I am so sad because this makes me so bitter and defensive towards everyone in the whole wide world.
It makes me HATE everyone I see and I feel my rage seeping out towards anyone who dare disturb me.
I've never understood before why I was acting like a grumpy old lady that was always boring and no fun to hang out with but this rage and fear towards humanity is just too much to bear!

And it all connects to my non existing social life and how I connect with people.
I tend to feel threatened so easily that I instantly lash out at people and scare them away.
What am I to do with all this?
I can barely cry even when I'm alone, it keeps me in a coma and my whole body HURTS!
All this because I thought about trying to make some new friends....

Please help! 

[Blueberry]

No time to read, gotta start work in 5 mins. but sending  your way.

[Three Roses]

I am just waking up, but have read your whole post. Hugs to you! I will attempt to wake up so I can respond. Just know I'm thinking of you ♡

[hurtbeat]

Thanks, I appreciate it!

Just woke up, the worst is over but I'm hungover now.
Face all swollen and my body is really tired like after a work out.