I just realised that I suffer from depersonalisation

[hurtbeat]

I've been trying to do normal every day things and today I just had no energy at all and no will power to do anything.
I really tried to understand why it was this way and after a while I just had some sort of flashback to me as a child that had just broken down under the weight of everyone's expectations.
Something just seriously broke at some point, I could feel it.
It gives me a very strange feeling in my stomach, like it's full of helium or something, I suspect it has to do with a cramp in my abdomen muscles due to locked up emotions.

I think that the moment that I broke is when I started suffering from depersonalisation, tough I never really thought that I did because I didn't notice it until now.
Usually I only noticed my derealisation because it blurs my vision but I think I just recently have become aware that I also suffer from depersonalisation.
Logically it makes sense since I am a freeze- type and dissociate a lot, why shouldn't I dissociate myself?
I just thought that I'd know if I did.

Have anyone else made discoveries like this?
I feel like I had no clue until I started looking into it more deeply as I've been reading about CPTSD.

I just came off the phone with a psychologist, I wanted to be referred to a place in another city where they specialise in PTSD (and CPTSD).
He was reluctant and said he wanted to know more but promised me he would contact them anyway as I have to have him do it for me.
Hopefully they can provide some cognitive help and guidance.

[Candid]

I've been trying to do normal every day things and today I just had no energy at all and no will power to do anything.

Forgive me if I seem to be stealing your thunder, but I've been feeling like this for months. All I do is sleep, eat and gain weight.

I hope you get a speedy referral to the trauma specialists and that they can help you.

[Three Roses]

Have anyone else made discoveries like this?
I feel like I had no clue until I started looking into it more deeply as I've been reading about CPTSD.

Yes! Like the proverbial onion, I kept identifying additional ... I don't know what to call them, issues? ... one after the other. I'd always just thought of these as character flaws, or just ways I was different. Turns out they're the result of trauma! Who knew?

[hurtbeat]

Candid: Sorry to hear that!
I've been feeling like that on and off a lot except for when I've been depressed, then it's constant.
Sometimes I get energy spikes but then it's like something's stopping me if I've done too many productive things. Like I have to recover mentally by doing nothing and being unproductive.
It seems like there is energy to play games on my computer but so much harder to pay my bills.

Three Roses:
Exactly what I was going for!
I also thought it was something of a character flaw and not a real issue, it's easy to minimize how severe it is when you think that it's only you being lazy or whatever.
I was called lazy a lot when I dissociated because I had no energy to deal with real life and so I thought that's what it was for a long time.

[Healing Finally]

Thanks for posting hurtbeat.  I suffer from this too.  WHO KNEW??  How can one diagnosis their own trauma?  I've been medicated since my 30s with anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, been diagnosed with BiPolar I (or II can't remember which one is "less") and none of my therapists after ALL THESE YEARS (and I'm talking like 30 years) thought I could be suffering from anything else other than imbalanced brain chemistry. 

I used to heavily medicate myself with alcohol for 35 years so that masked my feelings/emotions, I'd reach for the bottle every time I felt the disassociation, depersonalisation, emotional flashback, but I haven't had a drink in almost 6 years so now have to work through the emotions and usually I just go to bed and sleep.

I totally get it hurtbeat!  I hate it!!  I have to fight the desire to flee at work when I get triggered.  I'm still trying to figure it all out, and know it's going to be awhile before I fully understand.  I'm even thinking of switching therapists to someone who is knowledgeable on c-pstd (my current therapist had never heard of it!)

Wishing you the best with your search for a good psychologist and thanks for sharing.  I love how we can support each other here. 

[hurtbeat]

Thanks for your support and for sharing, Healing Finally!
It's always nice to hear from others who also dissociate a lot, I think that I inherited most of it from my mother and she used to self medicate as well.
I am glad to hear that you found another way to cope, congratulations on being sober for 6 years! 

Right now I am just so grateful to know that there still are things that need to be unlocked and that we can find the right tools for doing so in reading about CPTSD.
Nothing has been worse than thinking that there is nothing more to be done and that I have to live like this until the day I die, at least there is hope now!

[Coco]

Thank you for this wonderful thread hurtbeat, and all who contributed to it.

I echo you all - I thought it was just me, an inexplicable, confusing character flaw. How healing to learn otherwise with your help and the help of this site. How healing to read others experience the identical thing!

I'm really enjoying becoming conscious of the ways I've been massively dissociated and depersonalised. Now that I understand it a little better, I'm not judging it quite so harshly.

[hurtbeat]

I'm glad I could help, Coco! 

In a way it seems obvious that all sorts of dissociation blend in together but I just didn't realize it before.
Good to learn something new every day

[Healing Finally]

"I'm really enjoying becoming conscious of the ways I've been massively dissociated and depersonalised. Now that I understand it a little better, I'm not judging it quite so harshly. "

Me too Coco, I am feeling so the same way.  It's awful to feel so awful about oneself when there is NO REASON TO!!  I always wondered why, and nothing made sense!  But this does!  My brain has been abused and I can heal it and feel better, YAAY 

It took me so long to even think I had any type of "abuse" as my family looked and acted like a loving family.  But the system was 1st my sister, then me.  I was invisible and discounted.  If I tried to assert myself over my sister, I would somehow be scapegoated as either wrong or bad.  Evidently this can really take a toll on one's brain.  {{OUCH}}

We can do this!!