Step-Dad divorcing uNPDM

[alovelycreature]

I posted this on OOTF also, but know you guys are loving and supportive and also could provide some advice/guidance.

I just found out from my Dad (my step-Dad, but really more my father, and only real parent) and uNPDM are getting divorced. My Dad said he wanted my Mom to tell me, but they are going to mediation soon and he felt that she was being selfish by not telling any of her children.

My Dad and I are very close. We always have been. Even when he was just a family friend, whenever there was chaos, drama, or I was scared I always asked him for help. When my parents got married, he made the wedding about us being a family, and not him marrying my Mom. He came in, stepped up to the plate, and really hit a grand slam. He was my "good enough" parent. I was really blessed to have him come into our lives.

As a typical narc, my Mom has always been incredibly jealous of our relationship. My Mom has implied to us both that she thinks we have a sexual relationship. First, we don't. That's sick. Secondly, she would think this of her daughter? Of her husband? My Mom was such a master manipulator, my Dad never saw the abuse. He didn't always believe me when I was still living in their home as a child, but when I moved out and he became the target of her abuse he not only believed me, but felt incredibly guilty about not believing me. He is the only person in my family who has wanted me to educate him on CPTSD and my healing process so he can help me become the person I strive to be.

For years he has been dealing with emotional and physical abuse. I've told him for years to get divorced because he deserved to be happy, healthy, and treated with respect. He tried to get my Mom to go to counseling with him. He really tried. He said when he filed the divorce papers my Mom didn't even try to fight him. Not surprising. She's getting money for a lawyer from some other man that she will probably make her new target. She also hasn't told my siblings, which I find incredibly unfair... but I don't want to tell them because I don't want to get involved in the upcoming whirlwind of chaos.

I'm afraid. My Dad will always be my Dad. I will never not have a relationship with him. I'm afraid that my Mom is going to start taking her abuse out on me again. I live far enough away right now, but this man friend of hers lives only about 10 minutes away from me. I'm going to start going LC now because she doesn't know that I know about the divorce. My boyfriend said he's not going to let her do anything. He's always been extremely supportive and always stands up to my Mom and calls her out on her abuse.

I'm also afraid that this is going to effect my relationship with my siblings. My master manipulator Mom (new acronym? MMM) will probably turn them against me since I am going to continue to have a relationship with my Dad. She has already convinced them that he abuses her (oh, projection...) and that he is selfish and has never kept any of his promises in their marriage. Last time extreme drama happened my Mom convinced my siblings not to talk to me for months. It was heartbreaking. I don't understand how they can't see how sick she truly is. They enable her behavior.

It's weird being an adult and in this situation. My biological Dad and Mom got divorced when I was 5. I was definitely parentalized and cared for my younger sister mostly. I'm sure this situation is triggering the 5-year-old me. This was the time I started having panic attacks. It feels like I'm in a boat on the ocean waiting for a storm that I know is coming. I don't know how to prepare for it.

I don't know if anyone has had any experience with a similar situation. If anyone has advice I would surely take it. It feels like a confusing and unpredictable time. I want to make sure that I continue to put my health first. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[schrödinger's cat]

No advice, sadly. I've never been in a similar situation, and I have only the tiniest bit of experience with narcissists. That little bit was enough, though. The sheer thought of even just meeting that person again triggers this itch to reach for the garlic and the holy water. I have a lot of respect for you and all the others here who survived being parented by a narcissist. I can't even imagine the burden this must place on you.

I'd imagine that it's difficult for you to foresee your Dad's struggles to break free... I mean, if we like someone and feel close to them, in a way it becomes VERY difficult to dis-identify from their problems. It's like they get a cold and you begin to shiver, too. At least that's what it's like for me. But even without that, this must be such a difficult time. I wish you and your Dad all the best. I'll be thinking of you. 

[keepfighting]

Good for your step dad to get rid of her! I wish him healing and happiness - sounds like he deserves it! 

Sounds like you were lucky to have your step dad in your life as you grew up - and now he is the lucky one to have you in his life for support through the - undoubtedly ugly if I know anything about the drama Ns can and will create in such situations - divorce proceedings. I like how you say that you are the only other adult in this FOO (it's probably sad but true - in my FOO I often am the only 'adult'), so my advice is to stick to him, support him as much as he supports you and endure the ST that your NM and siblings will undoubtedly give you (again). ST is intended by the N to cause maximum hurt - but you can look at it as a welcome opportunity to breathe and take good care of yourself - and maybe rethink your toxic relationship(s) within your FOO in the meantime (your NM will only look for you for supply if you make yourself available - otherwise she'll stick to your  siblings, is my guess. MC and no JADEing should go a long way to ensure you won't be her target!).

Concentrate on the good and supportive relationships you've got going in your life (bf, stepdad....) and devote your time and energy to yourself and to the reciprocating friendships. Let the PDs and enmeshed people stew in their own juice and don't get involved - if you're the SG of your family, they'll blame you for anything and everything no matter what you do or how you actually behave.....

I have an overt NPDf and a covert NPDm as well as a PDsis. I've been NC with my Narents for almost 14 years and my PDsis has been giving me the ST since last May. Now I'm enjoying the silence from PDsis so much that I am considering letting the ST silently flow into NC (we were LC before). After a while, you stop missing the drama and start enjoying the freedom from it.

Follow your own heart and conscience. You are a grown up now and you are able to protect your IC as well as your grown up self from further harm! (Write down a reminder for yourself if necessary - I still need it sometimes and it really helps to write positive messages to yourself which you can fall back on in times of crisis).

Many  and best wishes to you! I'll be rooting for you and your step dad - you both deserve peace and freedom from the crazy. 

[alovelycreature]

Thanks for your replies. It's funny to see the difference in replies from here and OOTF. You all have a good supportive presence

Someone on OOTF suggested that this might be a good opportunity to go NC with narent (I love this word). I'm currently going to think about my boundaries I want to set up with her especially.

Over the past couple months I feel like I've kind of been depressed, but definitely in a grief way and not a chemical depression kind of way. Just doing a lot of grief work. I think my inner child was really always in my preconscious, but I didn't realize it. This grief work has helped me feel like I am an adult! I'm hitting 30 and I can make my life whatever I want it to be. It's been a new sort of confidence I haven't had before. I feel like lately I've been stepping back from my FOO and look at it as a thing, with parts, and connections.

I think the feeling of "Where am I in this?" or "Am I in this?" is going to change with the divorce. Just feels like a lot more grief work that I wasn't expecting! I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today that this could be a positive change. That I can set boundaries and not be involved. That I can build my own "family."

[Kizzie]

Hi Lovely - unfortunately I have a lot of experience with an NDPM and you are probably bang on in your forecasting about what is to come. 

I second what KF suggested about not giving your M any N supply whether that's MC, LC or NC, and instead working on your recovery and building your own FOC. Your SD and BF are definite keepers!! The rest you might do well to distance and disengage from, at least for now until the upcoming drama unfolds and subsides.

Here's to better days ahead with your loving, supportive FOC