hi everyone

[romo]

I appear to have PTSD. I have suffered on and off with depression for many years. Physically I am in good health, I can run 10 kilometres and swim 4 kilometres.

Mentally and emotionally I feel as if I am irrevocably broken. As if my inner world has been destroyed by past abuses in young adulthood from family and friends.

It becomes worse when my girlfriend is away. We have a strong relationship, we kiss and cuddle and are physically affectionate often. The sex is pretty good and I feel comfortable. She can be rude sometimes, but so can I. We always make up quickly. She is very supportive (so am I), and I have not suffered any abuse since being in this relationship. In many ways, she is much stronger than me.

But the moment she leaves for work I become deeply unhappy, suicidal, and want to end the relationship and return to my home country. My partner never sees these behaviours as I keep them hidden.

I message my mother or sister and tell them these feelings but they don't appear to understand.
I think they just want to keep me alive.

I am in near constant emotional distress when alone. Which means every day.

I find myself dwelling on seriously distressing thoughts, so upsetting that I become overwhelmed and cry 'no' until the thought goes away.
I want to die, but have never made a committed attempt on my life in all these years.

I recognise the need to let go of this thinking emotionally and physically, but I can't.
I don't understand what I need to move to the next step in this process.
I don't understand why my body/mind are behaving like this.
Can a trigger in the environment cause this, like watching a violent movie?
How do I stop this?

Help, anyone??

[radical]

Welcome Romo,
It sound like you are in a lot of distress.  I have experienced being overwhelmed by distressing thoughts and feelings and not being able to find a way through.  For the meantime, have a look around and read some of the threads to see where we are coming from with these problems.

You are not alone

[Three Roses]

Hello, a big hug and a hearty welcome to you, romo.

See if any of this rings true for you:
http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-c-ptsd

PTSD can come in a couple of flavors, PTSD-Simple and -Complex. These labels don't try to qualify the complexity of the disorders, but whether they originate from a single trauma (Simple) or repeated, inescapable traumas (Complex). There is still much disagreement and misinformation about the two.

You sound like you are in a lot of pain. I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you're in, that sounds terrifying.  The good news is you are not alone - and in this forum have found a lot of people who will be able to relate to your symptoms and empathize with you.

I definitely think your panic and hopelessness when you're alone could be a symptom of complex PTSD. The only one who can say for sure is you.

I recognise the need to let go of this thinking emotionally and physically, but I can't.

It may not be your thinking, maybe it's an emotional flashback or amygdala hijacking - sorry, don't mean to throw too much at you right off the bat - http://www.gostrengths.com/what-is-an-amygdala-hijack/

I hope you find some answers soon, thanks for joining! I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

[Candid]

It becomes worse when my girlfriend is away.
[...]

But the moment she leaves for work I become deeply unhappy, suicidal, and want to end the relationship and return to my home country. 

I message my mother or sister and tell them these feelings but they don't appear to understand.

I am in near constant emotional distress when alone. Which means every day.

This all sounds like abandonment depression, http://www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm

I get it too, although for me it's more like anxiety, so I head for the junk food, cigarettes, or booze.

Welcome aboard! You'll find good company here.