Apologies

[joyful]

Yesterday I was effectively disowned from my family. Because I stood up for myself against abuse FINALLY. F told me his love for me ended when I stood up for myself and my right to make my own decisions, told me to get out of his house now. So i said fine, I'll go then. I was serious and wanted to show him that. Lots of terrible things were said, and it was horrible. literally SO awful and painful. So I went to church (i go to a different one than the rest of my fam) and then all during it, he was blowing up my phone telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me  I'm still mad though. He said  A LOT of very very hurtful things to me. I'm afraid that if i "forgive" and go back to normal, it will eventually be me relinquishing my boundaries, and I can't do that. I really need to leave and get out, but now that he has taken back kicking me out i feel guilty about it again. (saturday I was close to flat out running away). I went over to a friends house all afternoon yesterday. I didn't ask permission, just said I was going and would be back later. Which was good, i really needed to be out. But I had to go back of course. I don't want to be there anymore. his yelling and hurtful words are still ringing in my ears. I'm getting shamed by other members of my family to forgive him, he didn't mean it...whatever.
So I'm very confused...how do i take his apologies? He's apologized before, but it always happens again. how do I hold a boundary without being cruel? I don't want to punish him. But I also can't go back..something has to change.
I'm sorry, this is confusing... I don't know what to think. I'm completely drained.
Thanks for reading 

[WeFallToRiseAgain]

First things first, I would like to say- you are allowed to your boundaries. Having them does not make you cruel. If someone trespasses them, they don't get to tell you they didn't. You have a right to your hurt, and he can't tell you any different. Something my therapist and I have been discussing is your internal hoola hoop. There are things inside of us that no one ever touches, things that are sacred to us, but often times people, especially those who contribute to our inner turmoil and abuse, have a habit of trying to force their way into your hoola hoop. You can't hoola hoop with two people in the middle, unless you're mega talented and coordinated

I hear you, and sympathize, my mother had intermittent bouts of anger, one episode of rage could wipe out a year of goodness; we have since learned this is because she also suffers from PTSD from an event we were both present for, but it's your parent, you want to believe they mean it when they apologize. That's what makes it so hard, I think. The best apology someone can make is acknowledging their behavior and trying their best to change it. I can't tell you what to do, no one can. However I can tell you, its okay to feel whatever your feeling, and no feeling is permanent.
Best of Luck.

[Candid]

Some things are unforgivable, joyful, especially when they keep recurring. We may very well still love significant people in our lives -- impossible to turn that off like a tap -- but our first duty is to ourselves. That's what personal boundaries are for.

Only you can decide whether or how much you want to see your father again. Stay safe!

[sanmagic7]

hey, joyful,

true apologies are an acknowledgment of what the person did that was wrong, admitting they were wrong for doing it, sincerely apologizing, and stating that it won't happen again.   a bunch of 'i'm sorry's' or 'i didn't mean it's' are words often used to maneuver us back into their firing line again.  if this has happened before, you probably have a good idea about what is really going on with his apologies.

when i finally left the madness behind, quite a few people were mad about it for various reasons.  the ones who truly cared about me as a person worked it out with me without name-calling or putdowns.   having boundaries is part of our self-care - we're the only ones who truly know what and where our boundaries belong.  standing up to abuse is, to my mind, not cruel, but part of self-care. 

you deserve to take care of yourself - no one else can.  best to you with such a discordant situation.     

[joyful]

Thank you everyone

you are allowed to your boundaries. Having them does not make you cruel.

our first duty is to ourselves. That's what personal boundaries are for.

having boundaries is part of our self-care - we're the only ones who truly know what and where our boundaries belong.  standing up to abuse is, to my mind, not cruel, but part of self-care.

These things made a lot of sense to me and were what I needed to hear.
thank you again