Failure or Potential?

[Contessa]

Yesterday I got he realisation that my life has been a complete failure.

I hate it. I don't like how it has gone up to this point, and I do see other people moving forward. I have seen others achieve relationships, marriage, social lives, investments, careers... all where I cannot get off the ground.

I never felt like a failure in this way before. I thought my path was just my path, different to others. But it does seem like others do achieve good things from an opportunity, and it appears to lead them somewhere. I just seem to experience an opportunity. And that's it. A blip. Then back to the everyday norm.

This has been my lot in life. Is it still? Or is my mind finally clearing enough to be able to think about these things? Are the blocks both externally (invalidating family support) and internally (being disappointed, hurt, struggling to be heard) finally being moved out of the way so that I maybe able to achieve something in my life?

This is weird. I usually see things as opportunities by forward thinking, but right now just feel loss for what I have not experienced. Perhaps this isn't so bad. I just have the headspace and strength and clarity to pick up the coin and take a peek on the other side. Take it all in.

[radical]

Hi Contessa,

I'm pretty sure everyone feels their life is a "failure" every now and then.  When you describe your's as a "complete" failure, I wonder if there is some reason you are feeling so bad right now because you do have a career, a social life, I think possibly parenthood, which when you are doing a great job is huge, enormous strength, intelligence and ability etc.  I'm not saying that to make you feel better, it's just what I know from what you've written here.  There are probably many more items for the list that I don't know about.  Also,  I don't know if it might be considered one of the usual indicators of success, but being a good, warm, kind, mature, ever-learning and self-reflective human-being is a big deal to me.

External success is at least as much (more imo) about luck as ability, hard work, etc.  The idea that it reflects personal 'merit' is complete ****** imo, and part of the 'just world fallacy'. 

You have achieved a lot by external standards.  I know we don't live in the same country, but I'm guessing where you are, your career choice is also more of a vocation and labour of love than a path to wealth.  It is grossly underpaid here, compared to the skills and qualifications required.

More than anything, I'm wondering what would lead you to make these kinds of unfair (to you) comparisons with a very privileged fraction of people, and downgrade your worth in doing so? 

I hope you're more able to appreciate yourself by the time you read this.  I know how awful this state of mind feels.

edited to add - it's not a bad thing to look at the other side of the coin.  I didn't want to imply that you need to be upbeat and positive all the time. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, contessa,

maybe you're onto something there about your mind clearing, your recovery moving to a place where you are able to think about some of these other things now.  i know that's happened to me.  some of the crapola gets cleaned out which leaves room for a different kind of life inspection, as it were. 

we sure can't do all things all the time.  i agree with radical that i don't see your life as a total failure.  one thing i have noticed along the way is that when i've compared myself to others, it's usually been to the ones who 'look' successful in the areas i'm concerned about in my own life.  for example, when i've struggled with being overweight, i'd only see the people who 'look' like they've got it all together in that department.

it was a way to put myself down, i realize that now.  to make myself feel bad.  i didn't compare myself to people who looked like they're struggling even more than me to make myself feel better.  it was always a one-way street.

i do hope that by turning that coin over, you can see a different perspective on all this.  in a sea of nasty, mean, hurtful, deceitful people, you still stand out as someone caring, kind, and loving.  personally, i think that negates the idea of 'total failure' for your life.    big hug to you.  you'll make it through this. 

[woodsgnome]

There isn't a day I don't wonder if I've failed at something concerning my life's path. My biggest failures always seem to involve an inability to feel okay with life, especially social interactions, or lack of same. While I had friends at one point, I have none now; and it's like I plant wishes for friends to materialize, but subconsciously know I'll probably fail, and am too scared to figure a way to climb out of my isolation.

Then I realize that instead of failure, that lack of social skills--despite lifelong people-oriented jobs and what others would view as creative success--isn't really right or wrong, though they are reflective of my struggle to ever trust anyone again. It's hard not to pile on feelings of failure from that, but in my better moods I just figure that, given the odds stemming from some pretty deep trauma, I was lucky to have survived, let alone fall into the success/failure comparisons.

It's almost like having experienced cptsd, one lands in a different category--not measured by the usual standards. Given that, I'm no longer certain of what constitutes failure or success. Just an even keel might feel nice, though; but these wild swings in emotion seem to be what sets in instead. Then it's a matter of learning to ride the waves.

One thing I sense is that I'm turning away from feeling guilty about what I haven't done in life (e.g. make true lasting friendships). I'm still here, reasonably comfy about what I could/couldn't have done differently.  Trying to understand--oh man, that's so full of disappointment I'm trying to lessen that, too. All this fretting can make one's life into a maze with no exit.

So, to answer your question per "failure or potential" I'd probably come down in favour of cautious potential; that opens up the territory a bit. Then we can learn to discard the tags and try as best we can to move in the direction of potential. Doing that, we can breathe some sanity into all this seemingly confused mess. Then, whether it's called failure or progress/potential there'll at least be satisfaction, knowing we tried and were able to work with what we had, then rebuild from there, without guilt from an assumption of failure. In other words, staying away from the labeled behaviour, finding one's own way given some challenging circumstances hard enough to get a grip on.

[Candid]

Hoo boy. I have major regrets about all the most significant things in life. Enormous, life-changing losses brought about by my own errors of judgment, fantastic opportunities passed up. Life was never going to be good while I was so very self-punishing and in the FOG.

But the show's not over yet. It's like I've just birthed myself, welcomed Little Candid into the world for the first time, six decades too late but better late than never. Knowledge is power, Contessa. Growth (and indeed birth) is messy and painful.

Best not to compare ourselves to the 'successful' people around us. We're taking the road less travelled... and that will make all the difference.

[Contessa]

I suppose "complete failure" was an extreme thing to say. I hope it was just for this little bit, haven't actually felt that way for many many years.

It feels like the battle has lifted finally, and now I can recall the things that I wanted to have achieved by now, and I'm nowhere close. Too busy fighting for myself to live.

I do appreciate every response, and I know that what I said is what a lot of people feel at times. What I like about this place is that none of you have given fluffy answers. It is clear to see how sincerely considered each post is. Thank you all dearly for giving real perspective to challenge that negative thought.

I do hope that his is a sign of things to come, I'm feeling little bouts of boredom rather than exhaustion from fighting for myself. Perhaps I'll find something much more constructive to do with my time