Husband sexually abused by brother

[Sigga]

I married to a good man.

He comes from a very dysfunctional family. Father was narcissist (pacing my husband as his Golden Child, being unbearable), his mother was emotionally/verbally abused by father (sometimes physical) and enabling and then there is the older brother; 5 years older than my husband.

He sexually abused my husband when they were 12 and 17 twice. Basically he came into the shower where my husband was when they were home alone, tried to rape him, forced him to give him oral sex etc. Got my husband to "believe" they both wanted it...or at least it was their common secret.

I am the only one who knows this, my husband confined in me years ago but at that time he said it was buried inside him and he was doing ok just not thinking about it.

A few years later my husband who ran his own business (paced by his N father) got a burnout and was on sick leave with stress related illness for 8 months. N father went mental, trying to hide it from others (not to place shame on the family that my husband was so weak), never had any understanding and was acting horribly. N father past away 2 years later.

Since then (this all happened around 4 years ago) my husband has been on medication and is back to work. He is though just the shadow of his former self. Fighting not to become depressed again, trying to take care of his now widowed mother who uses him to service her but never is interested in him. She prefers the abusive brother who has always been very dysfunctional (very asocial, rude, ungrateful etc. ) and still playing his role as the family fixer.

However, my husband seems to be exploiting on the inside. If he hears news about child sexual abuse he rages on the inside (he tells me this), he has nightmares about me or our two girls being raped or violated in other ways, he ruminates about all the bad things that can happen to us.

Yesterday he told me he had this longing of telling his mother about what his brother did to him. I asked him why (not that I don't get it, just to better understand his though process) and he wanted her to sympathize. To see that he has been an offer. I felt like I saw his inner child in his eyes when he told me this.
He doesn´t want to tell her though, because he is sure that if this comes to the surface his brother will kill himself and his mother will die of sorrow.
I would personally guess that his brother would deny the complete thing and my husband would end up being the crazy one being kicked out of the family....

My husband has once confronted his brother about the abuse but all he got back was a casual "we don´t talk about this".

Personally I hate his brother. I think he is a sick man. He now has a new girlfriend and they´re trying to conceive. He is 45, she is 7 years younger. She doesn´t seem to see that he is weird. MIL loves his new girlfriend and says he is so happy and sweet....it´s like being in a theater play. We have two daughters and I will not have them close to this *. Happily the brother lives abroad so we only see them 1-2 times a year under controlled conditions. Brother never contacts us but my husband fulfills his role of keeping the family together by calling him and acting like they´re good brothers every now and then.

So, my question is. What are your thoughts? Should he tell his mother? How can I help him? We live in Europe and trauma therapy is non-existing. My husband eats more and more medication.

I hate to see him suffer. Any words of advice would be appreciated.

[Three Roses]

I am very sorry to hear what your H went thru as a child. He was innocent and his brother took advantage of him.

It is very difficult, if not impossible, to tell someone else how best to care for themselves. If he wants to tell his mother and it's hurting him to not tell, he should do what he thinks is best. Maybe you could show him some information here, or maybe get him a book to start with. If he had more knowledge about it, it will help him make a decision.

Some of us have written letters but not to send - just to feel the feeling of telling the story. After, H can destroy the letter or do whatever he wants with it.

Please tell him he is not alone, there are people who have been thru the same as him and who care about him, because we know how it feels.

[Dee]

He should only confront if he is doing it for himself with absolutely no expectations.  He is likely to be blamed and rejected, but you would know better.  If he is in a place where getting it off his chest is a relief, then great.  If he hopes to hear some type of compassion he will likely be hurt even more.

I am at the point where I realize that contact with my family keeps me down.  I have been blamed over and over again.  When I feel like we have moved on some, I get a snide remark.  The last month has been a hard lesson realizing I am better off alone than with this.  I have been in a really bad place lately.  However, for the last two weeks I've had little contact with my sister.  It has only been a few texts and no one on one time.  I realized this morning how much better I have felt in the last couple of days.  I limited contact at my therapist request, it has helped significantly. 

[Wife#2]

Sigga,

Our husbands went through slightly similar situations, both older brother abusers, abusers golden child of mother. Big difference was that my FIL died when DH was only 4-6 years old (a little unclear there, curiously).

Anyway, my hubby's survival method has been to be very tough. And to be no contact with any of his birth family. They have not shown him love, he has chosen to not waste his time.

Your hubby has his reasons of why he bothers with those people, but the other posters are right on this one fact: If they cared, they wouldn't have made him the victim in the first place. So, he's trying to get validation and love and respect from people who will not offer it to him. The harder he chases them, hoping, the more likely they will allow him to do the work, but won't meet him half-way and won't ever offer those things HE needs to feel whole.

Telling his mother at this stage of the game would come across as weak, petty and troublesome. NOT as something that needs to be discussed, dealt with and validated.

I can say that the few times I've known adults to confront siblings about abuse that happened in the home as children has usually either been to blame the victim or total invalidation like 'What? You're still holding on to that? God, that was years ago. Let it go, already.' No acceptance of responsibility, apology (yes, we're more likely to go deaf, blind and crippled before we'll hear an abusing sibling give an apology) or anything healthy.

I say don't encourage your husband to tell his mother. It is more likely to kill that relationship than it is to bring any healing or recognition as a healing victim of abuse.

I'm sorry there aren't better mental health resources for you or your husband in your country. Maybe you can access some of the resources available through the internet? It's a possibility, perhaps.

Peace to you and your husband. I do hope you are able to find some peace.

[Blueberry]

Sigga,
If he were to confront, he would need to plan it properly in advance. Don't just go and blurt it out. As others have written, the danger is very great that he would be hurt again, but if he really wants to do it, then make sure he's got a lot of support to fall back on afterwards. I've had read somewhere how to confront, but I don't remember where.
I did a blurt- out once and when it was denied I dissociated for 3 weeks and things like that. Not pretty.

But I and others here really understand the overwhelming need to say what happened and have it believed.   I'm here and I believe you. I can't speak for others. I'm sure most us know the blind rage too.

Good luck to you and your husband, especially since mental health services are lacking in your country. That's really hard to deal with.