New Here *maybe triggering*

[expatnelson]

Hello!

Here's a bit of background on me and how I got here. I'm hoping I to find some people to talk to about possible similarities as I feel alone most days when it comes to my life experiences.

I grew up with a BPD (borderline personality disorder) mother and a narcissistic father.

My father was the only "stable" presence in my life but was very critical and explosive with his temper, impossible to please, impatient, demanding, rude, controlling, and downright mean. Though he did show short flashes of compassion and love, that almost made it worse because I knew he COULD give it, he just chose not unless it suited his needs.

My mother was in and out of mental hospitals my entire life. I was always the "bad child" who she blamed for ruining our family. She could be raging, psychopathic, verbally and physically abusive, and plain evil during her lows or she could be suicidal, self loathing, and a hypochondriac ("I'm ill and dying, take care of your mother") depending on what triggered her. During her highs she was flighty, irresponsible, childlike, and borderline sexually inappropriate and embarrassing. I never knew what to expect from her except for emotional distance and abuse either outright and straightforward or passively. On the best days, I was simply ignored.

At age 14 I was sexually assaulted by a "stranger" and shortly after that my younger brother developed a serious heart condition that nearly killed him. I watched him slowly deteriorate and my parents put the brunt of care on my shoulders - my father was too busy working and my mother was unstable. My brother is now 24 and waiting on a heart for a transplant.

I'm not sure what did me in, a combination of everything I suppose, but I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD. I understand my condition and I am functioning, self aware, and very in tune with my feelings and the root of them. However, I struggle on a daily basis with the symptoms and, most of all, I struggle expressing my stronger emotions when they bubble up every now and again.

I'm hoping to find an outlet for these feelings and to talk to people who might understand. I think it helps to relate to others. And to help others if I can.

[Three Roses]

Welcome to you! I also replied to your other post. I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi expatnelson,
My story is very similar to yours it made my eyes go wide open ..
I too have recently been diagnosed with cptsd ( although it is not officially diagnosed in uk) , I am presently functioning again due to re starting anti depressant.. it never ceases to amaze me how unwell I can get..
Expressing can be so difficult for us, i am grateful for the practice I get to open up and talk about my inner work in recovery groups but still 1-1 I can feel v uncomfortable 'showing myself- asserting myself '
I find this forum so supportive and informative and I wish you all the best on your recovery journey

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Nelson     So sorry to hear of all that you have endured and are still dealing with.      I do hope a heart becomes available soon for your brother.

Talking here is definitely helpful for many of us, we can say things we wouldn't say to anyone and people get it.  It's such a relief to be open for a change and not feel like an odd duck.  I hope you find that's the case for you as well. 

Do you have a therapist?  If not and you can afford one that might also help you in your quest to recover.