This is horrible and frightening #TW re ideation

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi
I got triggered last week after my year trauma therapy ended. Since then I'm flashing in and out of flashback symptoms. I don't cry due to being on anti dep so I can't truly grieve the abandonment. I'm experiencing really intense suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts. I can pretty much cope with the ideation as I know that is a way I fix on as an escape for feeling low. But the self harm thoughts I really struggle with. I've never been a self harmer in the way my mind flashes to (cutting wrists) and I find it so so distressing.. This afternoon it was so intense and just kept going on and on until I felt physically sick and was  panicking horribly. I couldn't wait to get home and lay on the bed talking to myself to self soothe and block the thoughts by saying gently but firmly 'no more'.
I feel these thoughts come as a way to punish myself a product of  extreme self hatred. I also felt some feelings of anger towards my dad.
I never used to have these thoughts they started happening couple of years ago when I stopped food bingeing. I would like to have some more psychological coping techniques. I use one where I imagine I'm wearing soft bandages it helps a little bit.
Any experience /insights I'd greatly appreciate..
I can't see anything about this in the literature to relate to..

[Deep Blue]

Sometimes I color myself with a red marker.  Sometimes I wear a rubber band and snap it.  Sometimes I hold tight to an ice cube. Sometimes I go for a run or some difficult exercise.

Hang in there boats, it sucks but the feeling does pass.  Keep reaching out and I hope one of those things help you.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful with this. I remember how frightening it ws for me too when SH images used to drift through my mind out of the blue.

You mention nothing like this in the literature to relate to. Have you tried these websites Kizzie linked to (Safe Haven and the other one) http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=5897.0 ? I haven't and my Internet not connecting rn. Apologies if you've checked and there's nothing.

It sounds as if you know fairly well what's going on in your own case and you have some coping mechanisms already I'm trying to remember what I used to do... I think just looking at my Little Furries helped - also a grounding mechanism - because I would never, ever physically harm them. Sometimes also looking at cute photos of myself as a tiny child helped, though if that type of photo is triggering for you, then probably wouldn't help.

Wearing socks on my hands or cuddling a huge teddy bear helped. I know people who are helped by squeezing a prickly massage ball. Working with plasticine/play dough sometimes helped especially red colour for the anger. Sometimes also scribbling really quickly page upon page with colour and whatever symbolism occurred to me. I had symbols for feeling sick e.g.   I tried not to stick with an individual feeling but keep churning them out instead. Sort of the way they recommend meditation - let whatever pass like clouds in the sky, don't get drawn into the individual feelings. Except I was allowing my hands to work through it instead of 'normal' meditation.

Hope something I or Deep blue suggested helps. Hang in there and keep reaching out to us when you need to. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks deep blue for sharing what helps you..
The thing is I have no feeling to dsh none at all it's just intrusive thinking flashing over and over nd I can find any literature on it because all the resources talk. Of strategies to not carry out the behaviour. I can't see anything on just having the thoughts

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank you blueberry just going to.do a meditation now

[Deep Blue]

Hey boats,
The flashes can be debilitating for sure.  Unfortunately I get flashes in the form of flashbacks and also ideation. 

If I try to do something I enjoy, that tends to calm the flashes down but I have yet to find something that makes them go away completely.

[Kizzie]

Boats, have you talked to your T about the intense in and out EFs you're having?  If not it might be an idea to phone or make an appt and get his/her input and suggestions. 

I feel these thoughts come as a way to punish myself a product of  extreme self hatred. I also felt some feelings of anger towards my dad.

Maybe being angry at your F has always been dangerous and your reaction is about wanting/needing to shut those feelings down while at the same time wanting to have them, see them, feel them finally? Maybe that's what saying "No more" to yourself over and over is all about - you are no longer prepared to live with suppressing the memories?   

I can relate - I went through much the same thing a few years ago and it's like being in a bad storm and never knowing when the next wave will hit.  With help I made it out the other end Boats so please let your T help you through this.

[Contessa]

Boats, I am so very sorry that you are feeling this way. I can relate to the intensity and longevity of these feelings, as I was where you are only a couple of weeks ago.

Still looking for coping mechanisms for this as well. Deep Blue's ideas - rubber band, ice cube - seem like good examples of shocking (for want of a better word) your body and mind out of it. Coupled with gentle self care strategies afterwards I've been thinking might be a good way to go.

Have yet to try anything, and am not particularly looking forward to either. But at present, I'm with you figuring it out too.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thanks contessa they are horrible I'm going to try the rubber band technique. Also in my meditation I've been visualising wrapping myself in think bandaging to give protection. That feels a v nurturing thing to do

[Contessa]

Good luck!
Lately i've been finding temperature changes very grounding. It was winter here so a hot bath was wonderful. I've found a sauna followed by cold shower so exhilerating (if I can do it of course).
But the rubber band is great when you're out and about in society.
Hope you're finding success so far xo

[Boatsetsailrose]

Ah thanks for the reminder love saunas and haven't had a hot bath in ages
I've been stable the past wk and so grateful... Feeling normal is good

[Contessa]

Glad to hear you're coming out the other side boats
Keep doing what you're doing xox

[Boatsetsailrose]

Thank u contessa