Introduction *trigger warning*

[yellowgirl]

I'm new here.    I ran across complex PTSD a few months ago and did some research on it and thought it fit me.  Recently, I've had some issues with my mom that have been very triggering and I re-discovered complex PTSD.  I'm reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.  My parents don't fit perfectly in any category, and I don't either.  I've had a lot of trouble figuring out which of the 4F's is dominant in me.  I'm a freezer, and co-dependent, and a fighter (angry, judgmental).  I guess I should give trigger warning starting here, or is that assumed on this forum?

My parents are intelligent, but emotionally unintelligent.  They divorced when I was about 12 but fought fairly violently (screaming, plate throwing, hitting each other closer to and during divorce) in front of me and my sister for about 3 years before the divorce.  My mom screamed for as long as I can remember, at us and my dad.  My older sister and I lived with my mom after the divorce.  Before the divorce our house was considered messy, with dishes undone and trash on the floors in all rooms, except my sisters, which she controlled.  My mom stayed at home but there is something wrong with her which I've never been able to identify, ADHD and some kind of scarring from her dad dying when she was 8.  She didn't clean and ignored my sister and I by staying on the computer in the basement playing Everquest or WoW or whatever fantasy video game was popular at the time.  And I'm only 31 so she was a very early adopter of these games.  My dad worked full time and commuted far so wasn't home that much, and he was mostly depressed and emotionally unavailable.  He's very intelligent but has next to no emotional intelligence, at times when he's depressed he's very robotic.  He's probably on the autism spectrum somewhere.  He's also very critical of everything and everyone.  At points I was a daddy's girl because my mom was screaming or ignoring me.  When he started checking out to robotville a few years before they got divorced that ended.   

I was the underachiever of the family and I think I reminded my dad of his brother who he didn't get along with because I'm more social like him, although still introverted.  I just come from such a weird family that being somewhat social made me the black sheep.  My mom told me once he thought I had a "look in my eye" or something.  Like I'm evil?  Great.  My sister was an extremely high achiever, in gifted classes, went to a gifted high school, scored whatever high on the SATs in 9th grade and all that jazz.  Expectations were completely impossible for me.  I'm not dumb, my intelligence is a little above average, but no where near my dad or sister.  Conversations around the dinner table always seemed to be about math or physics or something of the sort.  I was 4 years younger.  I had no chance of ever keeping up unless I was one of those wizkids, and I wasn't at all.  So, I was a C student starting around 3rd grade lasting until I got to college. 

It's hard to describe my moms anger.  She cannot regulate her emotions at all.  Any discomfort leads to empty threats.  There were lots of "I'm going to kill myself" thrown around by my mom and my dad less often.  My mom still to this day says these threats and that is why I am here, she recently triggered me with her empty threats because she's having issues with her landlord.  It's a long story, but the latest was "I'm going to buy a gun and shoot the person at the front desk of my building". 

After my parents divorced, my mom progressively got worse.  More retreat to the basement, less cleaning, more yelling.  Her and my sister fought all the time because my sister required her to drive her places and to school sometimes.  My sister got hit once and I saw it.  I'm pretty sure it was only once though.  She didn't hit me.  I guess neither of us told anyone.  I hid in my room, pretty much since childhood, or was out of the house with friends as much as possible. 

My sister left the house for college within 2 or so years of my parents divorce and I was stuck alone with my mom.  She got worse.  My mom certainly tried to parentify me.  In some ways she did I guess, like by complaining to me constantly about my dad and anything else wrong with her life, whining that she "wanted her mommy" and spewing the empty threats.  Since my mom didn't clean there was always expectation for someone else to do it, "do the dishes or I'll put them on your bed", but I generally resisted like the underachiever I am.  Sometimes I did clean the whole living room or something.  That involved many bags of trash.  The house grew more and more disgusting and completely roach infested.  You could hear them.  I wasn't good about cleaning my room.  I didn't really learn to clean until I moved to the dorms.  I now consider myself pretty damn normal in the way of cleanliness.  I've had times of being more anal about it, but have lowered my expectations.  There is a point when my house is starting to go below my expectations that I start having dreams of having to clean my childhood home for one reason or another.  So overwhelming.

My dad didn't do *.  I saw him, he "came and took me out to dinner" every Wednesday.  When my sister was still around he took us for some weekends.  I didn't give a *.  I felt guilty for how I treated him, but he would always say things like "oh I messed up".  Like I needed the burden of his emotions too.  Looking back, he deserved to be treated as an afterthought.  He was awkward, sad, and unavailable and still completely does not understand what he left us with.  He recently told me, "at least your mom was home to raise you".  Yeah, great.   My sister technically "choose" to live with my mom for us and testified at the divorce.  Honestly, I wouldn't have wanted to live with my dad either.  I got away with a lot with my mom.  Sneaking out, drinking, smoking weed, harder drugs, typical teenage antics.  I was also able to steal her pain killers so I could sleep through any time I was at home.  I self harmed by hitting my fingers with a rock since I was in like 3rd grade or so and started trying to alter my mind as soon as I realized that was something I could do summer after middle school. 

If I lived with my dad, I would have had different but equal or worse problems from his criticizing. 

The funny thing is through all this my parents had me in therapy and on psychiatric drugs.  We also went to family therapy.  I guess therapy helped me some individually in high school and some of the drugs helped some.  I still don't understand how I wasn't removed from the home.  The cops even came to my house once to take my mom away for taking a bottle of Tylenol (my aunt who was on the phone with her called the cops).  They saw the house and asked if she did it, we said no, its just like that.  They did nothing.  No one did anything.

So, that's the gist of it I guess.  Sorry it's so long.  There is more of course.  I don't know how I am going to heal from all this.  My inner and outer critic are me.  I'm confused about emotional flashbacks and think maybe that's because I'm in one most of the time.  I'm diagnosed bipolar 2 but have only had any sort of hypomania/mania when I took SSRIs.  Otherwise, I'm just anxious, depressed or normal.  Now I'm wondering if it's just that I'm usually in an anxious or depressed flash back most of the time in between short normal periods.  Is it possible to just live most of your life in an emotional flash back?  Thanks for reading if you get here.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, yellowgirl! 

I'm sorry that you experienced such horrendous neglect and abuse.

Yes, it is possible to be in one or more EFs most the time. That has been my experience. I also had some hypomania/mania for a while when I took SSRIs. I've since learned that it happens to a lot of people.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I'm so sorry to hear the horrendous neglect you went through. You should have been nurtured, protected and cared for! Your parents were not capable of caring for children.

It's also possible you are not bipolar, as that's one of the things CPTSD is misdiagnosed as.

I don't know how I am going to heal from all this.  My inner and outer critic are me.  I'm confused about emotional flashbacks and think maybe that's because I'm in one most of the time.

These voices are not you, they are a dysfunctional response to being in an abusive environment. https://www.psychalive.org/critical-inner-voice/ says:

These inner voices usually come from early life experiences that are internalized and taken in as ways we think about ourselves. Often, many of these negative voices come from our parents or primary care takers, as children we pick up on the negative attitudes that parents not only have towards their children but also toward themselves.  Our voices can also come from interactions with peers and siblings, or influential adults.

Healing is achievable. We have downloads available to print in our Resources section, http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads, so you can give them to doctors, therapists etc. as you pursue your individual healing.

We'll be here to cheer you on every step of the way. Thanks for joining! 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome Yellowgirl     You've gone through and are going through a lot     I do hope it helps to post and read here 

You may be triggering into almost constant EFs or in one that is lasting for a long period of time. I don't know if you are interested/able to go back into therapy but a  trauma therapist might help you figure that and a lot else out. As Three Roses suggested, there are some forms to help with that and also searchable databases here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=881.0.

[yellowgirl]

Thanks for the replies everyone.  I really appreciate your support!  I do see a therapist but she's more of a casual talk therapist than a trauma therapist.  I'm considering trauma therapy.  I tend to drop out of therapy though, it's been easier for me to stay in a casual therapy situation than one that digs into me.  I've done some deeper dives in therapy in the past.  My psychiatrist has suggested CBT and suggested a CBT workbook to me which I went ahead and bought.  I think I am going to try to bring it to my therapist and work with her on it.  Thanks again!