hi, wanted to introduce myself (TRIGGER)

[shellbe]

Hi,
My name is Shellbe and I've been diagnosed with CPTSD, DID since about age 20. When diagnosed, I was still in the wraps of continuing trauma. I have been off and on in therapy since age 20 and still find myself "trying to figure all this out" even though my wise mind tells me that I will never understand. I am functioning, working, but otherwise alone. I have depleted myself trying to prove to myself that I measure up or that I am worthy of mattering and being treated kindly but I find that, although those who harmed me are deceased, I still miss them, love them, need them. And my twisted brain turns their abandonment of me into further proof that I have no place in this world. I have not a soul i feel i can talk to, and the times that I've tried, I have been verbally and nonverbally "told" that my story is too much to hear. That rejection hurts so much and makes me feel so ashamed that i've basically quit trying. It feels terrible to be ignored, even at times by my therapist. Sometimes I wonder if I might die soon though my body is early 40s. I fantasize about burning myself to the ground and all those "adults who didn't believe me" pointing at me and laughing as I burn, screaming, "I told you so. Crazy; crazy." It hurts. Sometimes when I reach out to my therapist, i am not responded to. Sometimes I think everyone is right; Im just nuts. But it hurts. I cry out loud when I am alone. I love good people, animals, nature, reading, writing, music. But I am so low today. My thoughts are dark and unsafe. Not a very positive introduction but this is me as of right now. Thanks for listening to me. I like this forum. I hope I can offer support and gain support. Take good care, Shellbe

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, shellbe! Honestly I think it's pretty cool that you felt safe enough to post an honest intro!

I have not a soul i feel i can talk to, and the times that I've tried, I have been verbally and nonverbally "told" that my story is too much to hear. That rejection hurts so much and makes me feel so ashamed that i've basically quit trying.

I've seen so many posts saying the same thing - and I feel that way too. You're definitely not alone here. 

Glad you're here, thanks for joining.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Shellbe!   

Whatever is real for you is welcome here. I could have written much of your post; that's how much I relate to it.

Sorry you are feeling so isolated and down. I'm glad that you are here.

[Candid]

  shellbe!

I'm another one who can feel the pain in your words, and I just want to give you a

[shellbe]

Thank you for listening. I'm sorry any of you can relate but its good there is some safe place like here to say it. Be well.