Elphanigh's journey

[Elphanigh]

That is such a large amount of reading to do. It amazes me you read through all of that stuff. Thank you for taking time, and caring to do that.

It is a comfort to not be alone, although I always wish it was just me so no one else had to deal with it. Sadly there is more to my experience than even this journal shows. I am constantly learning more about it.
Thank you for calling me tough, I am trying to be. I feel very weak at times because this stuff can knock me down a lot. My T is fantastic, I will get to see her weekly soon which will be a tremendous thing.

I don't know your story, but I will read your journal as well. I know you are not alone now matter what it holds. I love you too. I am right there with you

[carnation]

Yeah, no one wants anyone to have to go through anything like that.  It happens more often than people know.  My mom was a psychiatrist and (super inappropriately) shared stories of patients she'd have over the years; I myself have two friends whose stories are sadly similar to yours; and lately as I've been reading about early brain development and how childhood experience effects brain development I've come across too many stories and numbers.   Have you read anything by Bruce Perry?

And um yeah, the fact that you are functioning at all is freaking amazing.  You are a warrior.  You went through an extended period of trauma on par with... I don't even want to come up with something.  My therapist tells me 'it's amazing that you're functioning at all' and if that's true of me than girl it is definitely true of you!

[Elphanigh]

Yeah, no one could ever wish to go through this. I would go through it again to save other people though if I could. It is sad to hear you know people's whose stories are similar. It always hurts me to see people go through any trauma... I know I went through an extensive amount but try not to compare at all. It is bad of your mom to have done that, but it would give you a view of what happens in the world.

I haven't read anything by Bruce Perry, but I have read a lot. It is both truly difficult to accept and helpful to know that trauma like mine really does affect brain development. It explains parts of me that I otherwise have no explanation for, but it also is hard to admit my brain functions differently that "normal" people.

Thank you, my Therapist has told me that as well. She is impressed by the fact I am functioning and hold jobs etc... She is not sure how I lived, let alone how I managed all that I have without anyone. That is again both a comfort and terrifying for me. It puts in perspective all that I have been through for me.. I am really bad about minimizing my abuse.

I like to think of myself as a warrior but it is hard to remember when I feel like running away or falling apart. You too are a warrior. I did read your journal this morning and had forgotten (see memory problems for that brain development issue)

I am not sure what I would put it on par with... I left all of that abuse only to end up in abusive relationships in High school. and one with a narcissistic teach in college.. so idk. Most of my life has been abusive.. I am not sure I want to figure out what is on par with that. It is a reality that scares me. I don't have all my memories (they are coming back).. and even without them I don't yet have the ability to accept it all as a whole.

[Wife#2]

I haven't read anything by Bruce Perry, but I have read a lot. It is both truly difficult to accept and helpful to know that trauma like mine really does affect brain development. It explains parts of me that I otherwise have no explanation for, but it also is hard to admit my brain functions differently that "normal" people.

Huge, huge hugs, Elphanigh! I'm quoting this to make the point - different, not defective, not wrong, just different. And, the best part - the brain is a lot more flexible than previously understood! So, your difference could be what makes you an emotional genius - in my opinion.

For someone who suffered and survived what you did, you are amazing to function at all, I wholeheartedly agree. I'd go one further, there is some part of you that you were able to protect and keep pure, your heart. This is why I say you are an emotional genius.

If you look at most geniuses, they had serious to profound struggles early in life. The fact that their brains became wired differently than others is what also gave birth to their genius, in my opinion.

I don't know what you do in your life or what struggles you face day-to-day. I do know that, in this time I've got to know you on this forum, I have seen true emotional genius. Making the simple connection that escaped the rest of us (Three good things). Opening up your heart to so many of us fellow travelers. Supporting others as a way to shore up your own world. To me, that is emotional genius.

I'm not saying this to blow sunshine up your skirt or to inflate your ego. I'm calling what I see as what I see. You walk among the giants, my friend. Even though your name may not ever be a household name, you are well suited to the calling. I am honored to be able to call you friend. You are teaching me so much about what it is to be a friend. Thank you.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, that was so amazing to read. I read it a few times just to absorb it. I can't imagine being able to teach you anything. You have always been a wonderful friend, and such a light on this forum. I know a little of what you do day to day but not a ton. Here you are such a helping hand and a beautiful friend  I am so grateful to call you a friend as well.

Emotional genius, that is one I have never heard before. I do all those things you stated but just naturally so. I never think much of being supportive of others, it just is for me. I love the reminder that it is different not wrong. To hear you say such high praise of my ability is amazing. I do truly think I saved my heart somehow.

I am still so amazed that the Three Good Things thread has done so much here... I really expected it to be a bit of a dud.

Daily I am working a property tax job for now. It is temporary until I go to grad school next year hopefully. I face a lot of day to day challenges that are normal to most people that have lots of student debt, and troubled families. I research a lot, because I am working on a huge paper on German philosophical aesthetics so I can get into a masters and eventually phd for philosophy. I want to teach new thinkers through that. This world needs open minded problem solvers. I am a musician and artist so to teach aesthetics and give it more light in the world is so important to me. I feel like good thinkers and the arts go hand in hand. I wish I could be a more outspoken advocate for people with Cptsd and other abusive pasts and such... I don't fully have it in me. So I find a way to affect the world for better while I am here.

Sorry I get excited on that subject. My research is kind of like a kid for me... along with my cat haha

Thank you for such your kindness. I will come back to your post to remind myself of what you call genius. That was very heart felt, and I believe you when you say you are just calling it as you see it. Thank you for seeing such great things in me. Know that I am learning a lot from you as well .

[sanmagic7]

i echo wife2's sentiments and thoughts.  there she is, again, with another brilliant catch phrase for us to wallow in and enjoy - emotional genius.  good one, wife2!!!  you're not so bad yourself!

elphanigh, your heartfelt goals for the future speak so highly of you and that great heart wife2 talked about.    that reminds me of harry potter (one of my favorite stories), how dumbledore told him that with all the horrors he had in the past, it was the love he kept in his heart that would allow him to be the leader he was meant to be. 

i see the same for you, sweetie.  love and hugs, always!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for echoing her thoughts. It is so heart warming to hear from you two. I do really just wish to have the wisdom and caring that you both have shown me.

Also Harry Potter reference is perfect, I love that story too. I do love that you think that phrase rings true for me.

Much love and hugs for you too  Let me know how your appointment goes today

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, you already have the caring - it's very apparent.

as for wisdom, well, i don't know how wise i am.  i draw from experiences i've had over time.  since i've had a lot more of both than you, i've managed to have some different perspectives on things at times.  yours will come as you keep moving forward, learning, seeing what's around you, formulating opinions, changing them and yourself as you get older.  there's no magic formula, that's for sure.  just one foot in front of the other.

you'll get to exactly where you want to go, of that i have no doubt.  you are very special.   big hug!

[Elphanigh]

Awe, thank you. For what it is worth, I think you are wise in the way you have learned to react to things. You do have many years on me to have learned that. I am working on it as I go certainly.

You are sweet to have so much faith in me, and think me so special. It is nice to hear that. I am trying to learn to see in me, what you and other people like Wife#2 do