My story. long text

[mourningdove]

You are right to be skeptical of what unknown people tell you online. We could have some kind of hidden agenda. But what if we don't? What if we are just telling you what we believe to be true, based on what you have written? What if you haven't done anything wrong and you deserve to live?

Worried about you, lizardguy.

[radical]

Lizardguy,

You don't need to be flawless, to deserve love and to be treated with respect, or to be entitled to protest and refuse to accept unfair or abusive behaviour from others, which is lucky because no-one is anywhere near flawless.  Equally, the person who has hurt you doesn't need to be endlessly bad.  To have boundaries we don't need to make judgements about the character or motives of those who offend us, in fact it's better not to, otherwise we end up tying ourselves in knots about whether we have a right to enforce a boundary.  If someone is standing on my foot I can require them to remove it, end of.

You are not doomed to a miserable future,  no matter your talents and abilities, and I don't accept your current assesment of those, based on what you've written here alone.  But even if you were as you feel yourself to be, that wouldn't doom you to unhappiness.  Happiness isn't just for the most talented or smart, or owners of any quality or qualities.

You don't have to worry about dragging people down.  If we are in danger of being badly affected by what we might read here, we can stop reading.  There have been times I've stayed away from this board because I felt that I couldn't handle reading it at that time.

I'm glad you have posted about how bad you are feeling.  I wish there was a way I could take the horrible feelings away, but I can't.  I can tell you that I've felt my situation was completely hopeless, but that I don't feel that way now.

Take care.  A cyber-hug if you want to accept one.

[lizardguy]

I wanted to make an update in this thread so that it's known that I'm not in any danger anymore. My outlook is much better now and I'm not fantasizing or concidering suicide as an option anymore. I'm much more hopeful and I don't think I'll slip out of that easily as it's clear its more in line with reality and my actual options.

I care far too much about my family to concider it ever an option now when I'm able to think a bit more. Me and mother had a long conversation and time I feel I do care about her alot and she for me. But she's a person with many flaws, and impulsive and somewhat clueless, but I think I can forgive her. Maybe she didn't know better and didn't think things through. A huge relief was that she said that aside from dyscalculia I have never shown signs of other issues. I'm still depressed and anxious and struggle with alot of existantial thoughts and depersonalization, and feeling pretty shut down as a person, but atleast I'm better. 

Thanks to everyone who commented and cared to listen and help. I'm so happy for everyone here that there's people like you.

[Wife#2]

I am so glad you came back to talk with us again!

Sincerely, I hope your mother means what she's saying and that you are safe. If there is any way to pursue therapy online or via phone - or even in person - that may still be a good idea. If nothing else, this website and some good therapy could give you the tools to recognize when you're headed down the dark road again and get you out of 'that place' more easily.

Thank you, again, for returning to us and giving us an update!

[Three Roses]

Yes, thank you! You give us all hope. ♡

[sanmagic7]

just glad you're feeling better, lizardguy.  this stuff is so sinister.  i remember once hearing that addiction is an illness that tells us we're ok and everyone else is wrong.  i see c-ptsd as just the opposite - everyone else was right, and i'm all wrong.  untangling ourselves from all that is quite the task.  i think you've got a good start on it.  keep taking care of you. 

[lizardguy]

Thank you.

I'm a bit more hopeful now but worried about some symptoms. Back when I was in therapy, that doctor who offered to give me some sessions said he believed I'm mildly bipolar becouse I mentioned having a few up's now and then when generally very depressed, and he put me on a children's dosage of bipolar meds which had little effect on me. The times I wondered about if I had been mildly manic lasted usually a few hours where my thoughts rushed, I often had trouble sleeping before getting up (high pulse even if I really felt I was tired) and felt hyper, had rushing thoughts but only felt somewhat positive (I could only feel "happy" if I'd read or watched some vid about recovery from trauma for example and felt in the moment I can actually get better) before crashing later in exhaustion. This stopped when I stopped my bulimic eating pattern. I can't remember clearly but I suspect this always happened when I'd been without food over 24 h. I'd also drink coffee or cal-free energy drinks then. I wonder also if ketosis (when body enters the fat burning stage) could also have been a cause becouse I read about how it can cause sleeping problems. I always had head aches, especially if I had just come off a huge sugar binge and began fasting.

These days I have a few days now and then when I feel a bit more energy but nothing like having thoughts rushing and that. My energy still seem to go a bit up and down. I also change between total numbness and getting very easily emotional by movies or music. My pulse feels constantly slightly higher no matter how exhausted I feel. I have alot of pains in my body, most from being so stiff and unfit but I have a weird pain in my chest with tingling sensations.

Lately I've had like milder hallucinations of those flashes when being tired and drifting asleep. It looks like when I have my eyes closed there's a small flash in my vision and I immediatelly understand I've had a hallucination. My sight is weird aside from this, everything looks flat, a bit like a tv with no channel on, sometimes a bit doubled and it's hard to read etc. I'm sure I have depersonalization becouse I sure relate to those symptoms.

[abcdefghijohnnyz]

Hi, lizardguy.

First of all you are definitely in the right place. You belong here.

Regarding bipolar-- therapists who don't know better often mistake PTSD and C-PTSD symptoms for bipolar! I almost got misdiagnosed with bipolar because I had a few hallucinations, but then my therapist found out that PTSD/C-PTSD can actually cause hallucinations by itself. (Even depression alone can have hallucinations as a feature.)

Regarding sleep problems-- that's also a huge part of PTSD/C-PTSD. Feeling keyed up and unable to sleep is very common.

[sanmagic7]

the connection you mentioned between what and how we eat and how our minds/bodies respond is very important.  when we don't give ourselves the right kinds and amounts of fuel, it can really wreak havoc with how we're feeling.

hopefully, you'll discover the source of these other bothersome symptoms you're having, and they will be resolved.  keep on keepin' on, lizardguy.  i do believe you're making progress.  hugs to you!

[CloudDodger]

 Hi, I'm new asof tonight and so happy to be here. OMG! I could be the image you see in the mirror with  tweeks in the story line. I'm 54 years old and only now grasping for answers. I need to get some sleep but want to share some of my story tomorrow. It's 2:30 am and I should have been asleep hours ago. I really need people to talk to!

[Three Roses]

Welcome, cloud dodger! I look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks for joining!

[CloudDodger]

I'm just so confused I don't know were to start but at the beginning of my trauma which is pretty much the beginning of my life at 5 1/2. I grew up on a farm with 4 siblings, 3 brothers and a sister and both parents as I was the youngest. Sibling #1 was 10 yrs older than I then was my sister 9 yrs older. The first traumatic event was witnessing the oldest throw a hammer at my brother of 2 yrs older than me from a shed he was building because of a bad temper. The hammer bounced of of the ground striking sibling number #4 behind the ear causing profuse bleeding, ( He lived.) this happened 1968.
    Same year brother number #4 and I taking a bath together submerged a lamp under the water with our faces submerged to see what light looked like under water. Parents were out and sibling #3 was home babysitting us at age 13. Needless to say we were being electrocuted the very minute our parents decided to stop by the house. Trauma #3 same year...I come down stairs one morning to find out that my mother is gone and they are getting divorced and were moving to another farm and different school. (Didn't see her for six months) and when I did she was remarried.
   So we were living with our father with a short fuse. My sister was my surrogate mother. I slept in her room from crib till I was old enough to sleep in her bed with her for the lack of rooms until age six when she and four of her friends died on new years eve plowing into a train that drug them 1/2 mile until it stopped.  I was left to sleep in the same bed afterwards which found me waking up screaming from shock.
   I'm sorry don't mean to drag this out but the rest of my life was met with 8 different women to bond with from four to truly bonding with just to be abandoned from dad chasing them off. I've never known anything different than depression loneliness and all the other symptoms like self harm, anger
narcissistic behavior. I also suffer from dyscalculia and all of this has gone undiagnosed to this day. No one even shows any concern for validation. I have went three different times to get help throughout my life. I have a daughter in-law that is a social worker that scolded me for trying to self diagnose and a twelve step therapy councilor telling me I need to see a therapist. I have isolated myself to the point that there is no body I can talk to that will try to understand.
   I just want it to end!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry.

[Three Roses]

Don't be sorry! Telling our stories has been a healing experience for many of us here.

I read every word and am very sorry to hear everything you've been through. Especially sorry to hear about the loss of your sister, my heart goes out to you. How terrifying that must have been for you at such a tender age! You certainly should have been shielded from the details.

As far as self-diagnosing, sometimes that's all we have! There is a great shortage of counselors and therapists who are adequately prepared to help us or even give us a correct diagnosis. I was diagnosed in '12 with PTSD but after doing some research, I also self-diagnosed with complex ptsd. I have just recently returned to therapy, and it is helping just to talk about things, even tho my therapist didn't know the difference between the two disorders or even what cptsd was! (He does now.  )

It seems that with awareness about cptsd spreading, our options for help are growing. I hope you poke around here on this site and find more info that can start you off in the right direction. It can be overwhelming, I know, so take your time. In the meantime, feel free to jump into other threads to make comments or ask questions. We value your input. Thanks for joining!

(P.s. I added "TW" at the beginning of your post - it means Trigger Warning and helps people avoid reading things they're not prepared for.  )

[CloudDodger]

Thank you Three Roses for your kindness.

[hurtbeat]

Lizardguy: I recognize many of the things you wrote in myself.
I also have dyscalculia and was always told that I probably have ADHD though I didn't score high enough on when they ran the ADHD test on me (another failure on my part I thought).
I used to bite my nails everyday at school and my nose was always running when I became nervous and people became annoyed with my tedious sniffing. (I refused to blow my nose because I thought that it was gross).
It still happens to me sometimes when I get nervous.
I also used to have weird itchy rashes on my fingers that I would scratch and bite along with my nails.
It's like I was this high strung bundle of nerves just vibrating with anxiety and not being able to focus on school yet not wanting to ask for help since I was ashamed that I would look stupid.
My mother used to tease me about knowing simple math problems or being able to tell the time on a clock as well.

I used to wet the bed in my sleep and was in my teens last time it happened.
Though I read somewhere that the body is missing a hormone of sort if that is happening.
In your case I picture a child that was too scared to move because he didn't want to stir up the aggressions that was floating around in the air, leaving you paralysed and out of control, even of your own body functions.
How terrifying it must have been!

My mother was also a specialised child psychologist, sort of, she used to evaluate children with learning difficulties and wanted to evaluate me into having ADHD because of my bad grades.
I can relate to not feeling able to criticize her because she's the 'well educated professional who knew more', even though I remember bringing up some really valid critique against her methods. (which was immediately shot down of course)

I've also dealt a lot with feeling stupid and not accepted for who I am and feeling like a child on the inside.
Also kind of an artist, I used to draw a lot but my mother would stifle my inspiration by trying to steer me into doing art that she liked and could show off to her friends.

I can see why you felt weird about your mothers inappropriate touching and I am so sorry that she invalidated you when you tried to set boundaries.
She should have respected you instead of focusing on feeling blamed and wrongfully accused as if your feelings was an active insult towards her.

I've dealt with a lot of shame myself, the same as you I suppose.
And for the most part living in a fantasy world to cheer me up.
Have you looked up "derealisation"?
That is what the "spacing out" is called, it can happen to you when you live with a constant amount of stress even if it's a low level kind of stress like always being vigilant.

Oh, and I went on medication for ADHD one time and also saw light flashes before sleeping.
(It seemed so weird how a lot of the things you mentioned also applies to me)
And sometimes seeing things at the corner of my eye when stressed.

I guess I am trying to say that you're not the only weird person out there who is full of self doubt, self blame and feeling heavily exhaustingly ashamed of yourself every god damned day.  (volontary hug if you want)

I don't really have any good advice right now.
I'm planning on joining aca- groups to get in touch with people who are like me and maybe try and feel a little bit less ashamed of my inherited anxiety.
Main focus will be to not assume blame for everything and not attack myself for not being perfect in an imperfect world.. or something like that.

I suppose both you and I carry all of the responsibility for all the hurt in our families on our shoulders as if that is the natural state of things.
Oh, what a dream it would be to maybe one day start to question that it might not really be fair for us to harbour all the blame and pain that ever happened. You know?
May we ever dare be so narcissistic that we can truly believe that we don't have any reason to feel ashamed today?