Feeling more relaxed

[Blackbird]

Hey guys!

Had my therapist's appointment today and he made sure to tell me he also specialized in trauma, that we can get through this. We are going to have more appointments now, at least twice a week. I feel so relieved to have the support!

My friend was with me yesterday and I told her about my concerns with CPTSD and she said she suffered some abuses herself, so it was good to cry a bit in a good shoulder, with a sense of trust, it's so rare, isn't it?

Anyway, my therapist says I'm doing everything right regarding my mother, that I should keep the dialogue open and, since she's in therapy now, allow her some room to grow too. If she already realizes she perpetuated the abuses she endured it's a good sign that we don't have to live a life of anger between each other. Some anger I have towards her is the feeling that she didn't protect me from my father, and I've told her that and she says she understands that now. She also told me that's she's still processing the memories that came to me, that in her mind is hard to understand how my father could've done that to me. Some progress, I suppose. Maybe what we both need is to be mutually understood right now. She's doing her part, I'm also trying to do mine. I don't need to not feel the anger, just to not let it out in stupid things, and to be able to explain myself in the most calm and self preserving way possible.

I have this feeling of relief and sorrow at the same time, like I'm finally being listened to after years and years of anger for not being understood. The sorrow comes from the inner child that still doesn't know how to process what happened when I was a child.

My therapist said that what I in fact remember regarding my father is considered a form of mild abuse, but enough, coupled with the other stuff I had to deal from him, to devastate my teenage and young adult life. He also said that the parts I don't remember will probably come up, eventually. But that the important part now is that I'm now facing it, instead of running away from it through drugs or alcohol or sex. That I already know how to form healthy coping mechanisms, that I just need to heal from now on, that I'm already on the right path. 

This is liberating, I don't feel trapped anymore. Let the healing begin.

[joyful]

That's awesome. Blackbird! Feeling so happy for you! That's great that you are going to see a trauma therapist  and I'm glad you have a friend that understands. That trust and understanding IS rare. I'm so glad you're getting that support and validation from your friend and your therapist.

I have this feeling of relief and sorrow at the same time, like I'm finally being listened to after years and years of anger for not being understood. The sorrow comes from the inner child that still doesn't know how to process what happened when I was a child.

This really spoke to me. I get that sorrow too, whenever someone listens to me or is validating. I just want to cry and ask them to take care of me and never leave me...which i know isn't gonna work, but like you said it's little joyful crying for the attention and listening she never got.

[Blackbird]

I know! It's so hard for me to express emotions, like I always put this mask on that I can deal with whatever life throws at me, then I lay awake at night wondering why I feel so alone. It's like my inner child protects itself from showing emotions, otherwise it would get worse. There's always the fear of retraumatizing.

I revictimized a lot, I was sexually abused in my teens and later again in my adulthood, both again with people that I trusted. And, unstable me that I was, instead of standing my ground, I accepted it and became their doormats, girlfriend, partner. Paying for them to live well, to score drugs, whatever it was they needed.

Now, I wouldn't even tolerate one inch of that. It's good to know that I'm protective of my inner child.