PTSD and screaming

[Blueskies]

Hi, I'm new. I just wondered if anyone's panic attacks sometimes build to uncontrollable screaming. I had one last night where I ended up screaming into a pillow for ages. I always feel much better after, like a huge about of terror has gone.

I'm dealing with an uBPM, and she is the only trigger. Without her in my life I am hapy and calm. Yesterday she flying monkeyed other close family members, who then started normalising her abusive behaviour. I feel so trapped and helpless when that happens. I am trying to go NC, but her partner is apparently dying, and she is using it to try to control and manipulate me. Now she has hoovered in my close family, and they are no longer supporting my NC as they say she 'needs support' and 'doesn't know what she's doing'.

[Candid]

I ended up screaming into a pillow for ages. I always feel much better after, like a huge about of terror has gone.

This sounds good, Blueskies. I'm envious of people who can be so expressive, being a 'freezer' myself.

It's up to you, but you don't have to break NC that's clearly working for you just because uBPM's circumstances change. That way you could be hoovered back in indefinitely and to your own detriment.

You could try explaining to your close family members that you need NC with uBPM, and why, and that you too need support. A caveat here, if NC is relatively new to you: it tends to have a ripple effect. You have to weigh up whether NC is worthwhile if it means other people turn their backs.

NC, particularly with parents, isn't something anyone takes on lightly. We do it because we've tried everything else. and we're forced to protect ourselves from an abuser.

Good luck! 

[Blueskies]

Thank you Candid. It takes me days and days of terror to get to that point. I wish I could get it out sooner but am grateful that I can sometimes. I tend to freeze for a long time first. It's so visceral isn't it? I have been trying EFT and meditation but sometimes I just feel like my nervous system has a mind of its own.

The situation with my uBPM has been going on for over a decade. I've gone LC so many times but she always hoovers me back with medical emergencies. I am sending a letter with terms and conditions for my continued LC - trying to put up some boundaries! If that fails it will have to be NC.  My uBPM has already seen to it that I've lost a lot of people in my life - she even tried to enlist my boyfriend in her flying monkey army but it didn't work. I am trying to keep my other relatives on board but it is a constant battle...she know how to trigger their protective side.

[Candid]

I am sending a letter with terms and conditions for my continued LC - trying to put up some boundaries! If that fails it will have to be NC. 

How awful that we have to set out these things as if we were lawyers!

My uBPM has already seen to it that I've lost a lot of people in my life

Mine has, too. It would be a miracle to me if just one relative saw through her.

I hope your letter works. It'll be up to you to enforce boundaries, you know. 

[woodsgnome]

Blueskies wrote: "I just wondered if anyone's panic attacks sometimes build to uncontrollable screaming. I had one last night where I ended up screaming into a pillow for ages. I always feel much better after..."

Yes, despite my being a 'freezer' I've accepted and acted on the urge I've always had to talk back to what I call 'the voices' or 'the furies'; the inner critic that seems to raid my attempts at sleep almost nightly. While I've always had the urge, and I'd silently do that sort of thing, with my T's encouragement I recently started putting some vocalization to the silent witness style, and it is better...after; it just feels horrible during.

Huge advantage, though--I live in an isolated area and the odds of any humans ever hearing are close to nil, but not impossible. Scared the cat's slumber at first, but he soon realized I'm not directing anything his direction; "it's just the human again" is his reaction.

So yes, after it feels good and I can usually get some sleep in. I know, this is all close to an imaginary realm, but sometimes I definitely sense 'the voices/furies' (mostly triggers from my distant childhood, but not all) die down sooner, too.

[shoshannah]

YES oh my goodness yes.

It is relieving to even hear you say that. I was neglected by my father and my older sister has borderline PD so I grew up in a toxic home. Just this past year I get out of a horribly abusive relationship too which caused even more trauma.

I have been doing a lot better, but just last month I was having a panic attack at home in my room and it turned into a screaming fit. Like bloody murderish sounding screaming. It was scary, but afterwards I felt so much better.

I told myself "That will be the last time you cry so hard about all this"

It was almost empowering because I felt like I let out my rage in a positive way.

Youre not alone. You have been through trauma. It is healthier to cry and scream than hold it all in. Allow your body to do its thing.

xx

[Blueskies]

Thanks Candid. The letter hasn't worked...she went into a rage and sees my boundaries as an attack and as me being nasty. She tried to publicly shame me by telling relatives and is now accusing me of affecting his treatment outcome.

Woodsgnome, are 'the voices' like your self doubt or your M's voice...I think I have that, though I've never thought about it before. I lie awake having argments with my uBPM for hours. What do you mean by the 'silent witness'? I'm really new to reading about trauma.

Shoshannah, your account is exactly like my panic attacks/screaming fits...you described the screaming perfectly. And yes it is scary! But the peace after...it's like vomiting up loads of pain and fear.

Do you guys think that the screaming is just the trauma being retriggered or do you think it's actually a way of processing the original trauma? I feel so much calmer since it happened...even though my M has escalated. But I have had 3 or 4 screaming fits over the past few years. In one I was shaking and trembling - I've heard that's something animals do to release trauma after freezing. Since I put the boundaries down I feel safer...even though she is painting me as the meanest most horrible person ever and she is the victim.

[Candid]

she went into a rage and sees my boundaries as an attack and as me being nasty. She tried to publicly shame me by telling relatives and is now accusing me of affecting his treatment outcome.

I don't doubt you could have predicted all that, if you'd thought about how she always reacted in the past. What troubles me is the loving hearts we have that keep us trying. I realise we're hard-wired as a species to stick with our own, and it takes a great deal of distress to make us walk away.

I really do believe that if you want to have a relationship with her, you have to do so on her terms. That doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself as and when the need arises, only that you have to drop the idea of setting boundaries. You accept her as she is or you walk.

For me, the urge to scream is due to frustration. I envy you the space to do it without having people rush in to see what's wrong with you. I've been holding back a scream for decades. Great to know it gives you some relief!

Since I put the boundaries down I feel safer...even though she is painting me as the meanest most horrible person ever and she is the victim.

That's probably as good as it's ever going to get. Can you accept that now?

[woodsgnome]

Blueskies wondered:


"Woodsgnome, are 'the voices' like your self doubt or your M's voice...I think I have that, though I've never thought about it before. I lie awake having argments with my uBPM for hours. What do you mean by the 'silent witness'? I'm really new to reading about trauma."

My response: The voices tend to start as the f, as the m's 'voice' was viciously silent, even though her abusive actions most definitely weren't--they, sadly, were often her only voice; it seemed even more brutal that way. The f 'voice' tends to feed on my own self-doubt ('it's your fault, and you hurt your m/blame the victim, scapegoating, etc.) ... soon a whole outburst of voices join in from the many teachers (private school) who heaped on top of that. One voice is bad enough, but to hear a chorus is maddening. First reaction--dive deep under the pillows.

The 'silent witness' is all the held-in, boiling inside commentary flooding my interior self. It took forever to feel bold enough to vocalize/talk back to the voices. It would have been dangerous to react vocally when in person back then; I still retained all that fear about it that stifled me and kept my anger and grief from showing. Now that I've started to shed the added fear of actually reacting vocally, via screaming sometimes, it's provided some needed relief, and those other voices recede, then disappear. I've come to accept they'll try again, as they always have...but learning to respond, where I couldn't before, has felt good.

[Blueberry]

Once I screamed myself awake in the night during a nightmare involving Chief Abuser. I was in a room with 4 or 5 other women on a 4day therapy stint. Fortunately only one of them woke up.

Other than that I've done a lot T involving emotional expression, mostly in groups, and of course screaming in anger comes. If your throat was sore afterwards it meant that the scream wasn't coming from deep enough in your feelings. It was very important to have support - somebody there for you. It's somewhat similar to attachment T, but not for autism and not for children. Going off into the forest to scream, which I've tried too, didn't work so cathartically. May not be bad, but not half the same effect.

Interestingly enough, if you were screaming out your baby or small child pain, there was an audible change in the pitch of your voice. You even heard it yourself sometimes. Although if somebody were to have said to me outwith this setting: cry using baby voice pitch, I couldn't have done it.

[Blueberry]

panic attacks sometimes build to uncontrollable screaming. ... I always feel much better after, like a huge about of terror has gone.

I'm dealing with an uBPM, .. Without her in my life I am hapy and calm. Yesterday she flying monkeyed other close family members, who then started normalising her abusive behaviour. I feel so trapped and helpless when that happens.

Blueskies, even though you feel much better after, it does sound as if dealing with uBPDM is giving rise to the panic attacks, so I wish you whatever-it-takes to protect yourself more and more from her. I'm still working on removing myself from FOO's sphere of influence too, so I'm not the best one to ask for advice 

[Blueskies]

Candid, I know what you mean...I don't seem to be able to emotionally detach, I just keep trying to get through to her.There's no way I would ever have a relationship on her terms with no boundaries..I did that in the past. I have been trying to walk away for years but there's always a medical emergency...I guess I may have to walk away in the middle of one. With the screaming, I really recommend screaming into a pillow, it muffles the sound but you still get it out.

Woodsgnome, your self awareness is amazing. I can really relate to the self doubting voices. I also relate to not being able to be vocal around the abuser...I still can't speak up for myself in person although I have started to in writing. For a long time I realised that my inner voice was incredibly quiet and I would ignore it and listen to her. I think so much of recovery is about finding your voice inside and out. I guess a lot of us have internalised those toxic outer voices of our family or others. It sounds like you've come a long way with dialoguing with yours.

Blueberry, really interesting about the throat...when I tried to let it all out years ago I used to get a sore throat...now I just let it come from that deep place. I sometimes feel dizzy after. Fascinating that the child pain has a different pitch. I'm never sure whether I'm dealing with adult or child/baby trauma. It's so hard to protect myself...my boyfriend is helping. My self protective instincts are not as strong as my people pleasing instincts.