Severe Panic Attacks

[IFeelSoAlone]

When I was around 13 I had my first ever Panic attack.  I was at a skating rink with my local church youth group ( haven't attended that church in YEARS), and while I was skating for some reason I started thinking about my past and I freaked out.  I couldn't catch my breath and I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest at any moment.  I got so dizzy and so pale that they ended up calling an ambulance on me.  On the way to the hospital they had an oxygen mask on me, and kept telling me that I had to calm down.  Well, I was in a vehicle with two men that I didn't know so that didn't help.  Logically I understood that they were not going to hurt me, and that they were there to help, but my head wouldn't slow down or calm down.  The panic attack got worse and worse until I thought I was going to pass out.  Finally arriving at the hospital they gave me a shot in my arm and I fell asleep.  When I woke up my dad was there and boy was he pissed. He said that I was making it all up and just trying to get attention.  After several hours, and tons of tests to make sure nothing else was going on they released me.  The whole was home he yelled at me, belittled me.

Due to the severe sexual abuse that I endured for 14+ years I have these panic attacks all the time.  Thinking about my past sets them off, or seeing someone that looks like one of my abusers, or hearing someone talk that sounds like one of them. I feel so stupid that this happens and I feel like I should be able to control it, but I can't.  I can't even drive by places that remind me of them, because I freak out.  When I am in the middle of a panic attack nothing else exists.  I feel like I am back to being younger and I am going through the abuse all over again.  I am on medication to help ease them when they happen (actually 2 things, one stronger than the other in case the more mild one doesn't work).Sometimes even after I take both meds I still have troubles calming down and have to resort to taking my night meds in the middle of the day just to knock myself out.  There are times where literally nothing else works other than making myself go to sleep.

What is wrong with me?

[woodsgnome]

You wrote "what is wrong with me?" Everything is right, and no, I don't say that to be hip to what's going on. I'm anything but hip, it just aches to feel this with you.

I'm on enough asthma meds (albeit mostly "natural") that I don't want to risk interactions with others, but sleeplessness often hits me as hard as I hit the bed, exhausted. Exhausted but I can't sleep 'cause the stuff invades my memory or something and haunts my every movement.

So what's right with what's going on with you? First thing for sure--the only "wrongness" is the property of your abusers--they're the wrong part of what you related.   

But now it's about you--and your strength to overcome is something you've just shown here by your sharing. It's the most beautiful kind of strength--it's not about power, or control, or putting others in their place. It's only about your true strength, even if it seems there's no "why" to explain anything that matters.

I'm way too wordy...but let me leave you with a word-picture I kind of tuck in my heart somewhere for when I need a little boost. Okay? So I've camped a bit, and used to have a candle lantern, it's called. It's tin, with a door in which you place the candle. There's tiny piercings all around, so even when the door is shut and the wind is howling outside, air can get in to keep the candle going. So when you need it, and open the door, you've got light.

Please, light your candle, tuck it inside, and know it's always there, as in fact you are that candle. 

[IFeelSoAlone]

Thanks woodsgnome, I love that imagery.  My abusers to this day do not see that they did anything wrong.  For me that is not a shock, because they saw nothing wrong with what they did years ago in the midst of the abuse.  I still have troubles stomaching what happened to me and who did it.  I mean I understand that it has been years since the abuse ended, but for me for some reason I feel like it is still going on.  I am sure the flashbacks are not helping any.  I have them all the time and I feel like every time that it happens I am going through it all over again at that very moment.  I feel like no matter how much progress I make, I have a flashback and then I feel like all the progress I made meant nothing. 

[Kizzie]

I would echo Woodsgnome in saying that there is nothing at all wrong with you, what is wrong is the abuse you endured.  I am so sorry to hear you are having panic attacks/EFs so frequently, they are hard to endure as most of here know only too well. 

I was having so many about two years ago I resorted to drinking (I never drank much at all) just to numb myself and then of course the drinking became a problem.  I finally reached out for help and among other things (new meds therapy, going no/low contact with abusers, and moving so I was not triggered all the time), I held onto something I read in Pete Walker's book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving; that the EFs were my IC struggling to be heard, sending a message from deep within that I must pay attention to her instead of stuffing her down.

When I looked at it that way it was like, "Well alright I need something so much she is yelling at me and I need to pay attention." Little by little I was able to get (very) angry when I saw what she had been through and then to grieve her losses and my losses into adulthood.

I don't know if this will help but it was one thing that really worked for me so wanted to share it with you. I haven't had any panic attacks and only a few mild EFs for over a year now. 

I hope you don't feel so alone now

[arpy1]

yeh, echoing that too, IFeelsoalone, panic attacks are the pits, but they are actually normal brain responses in human beings. Given what you shared, i reckon it would probly be more odd if you never got them.

i love what Kizzie just said about listening to them and hearing what they're trying to say. this is a totally novel concept to me, having spent decades trying to shut them out. but it is a lovely image, isn't it? i think i mite just try and learn how to do that too.

all the best ,Ifeelsoalone,i hope you can find a way to soothe all the pain this stuff gives you. supporting you