Dear Uncle

[paul72]

It was 3 years ago today that you died. I'll never forget the call and the collapse of my soul.
You were my hero and the only person who really understood my mom, at least that ever talked to me about it.

I was barely a teenager when you introduced me to fantasy baseball.. a game we played together for over 30 years. You always told me to stop looking at young prospects, that life was short... you should play to win now. I never could though.
I'm back playing now after taking 2 years off. I've named my team after your old team name.
You were my first baseball coach. You'd tell me.. don't call me uncle, just call me L*... but I couldn't. The whole team started calling you uncle- it became a thing for years lol.
When I was finished high school , I had a half-year off before college. You invited me to play poker pool with your work friends. I met you guys every day for 4-5 hours in the morning when you were on night shift weeks and learned the game from masters. I was a kid among men... I was privileged to be there.
You'd always say "second best I ever saw", when I'd make a tough shot.
You made me feel loved always.

My mother said such horrible things about you. I'm sorry for believing some of them.
If I ever believed in a prodigal son story, it was when I wrote you that I was sorry and you were so excited to get together with me again.
It changed my life.
You took my kids in like they were your grandkids. You loved my wife. We went to games together... and we talked and talked.
You suffered so much pain in your life but always laughed about it and found the joy in it somehow.
I wish I could do that too. You were a real inspiration to me.

The day before you died, I shared with you that I had emailed my parents for the first time in 5-6 years.
They told me to never email them again. You told me to stop trying. That they'd only ever hurt me.
My mother hurt you a lot.... you knew what she was capable of.

When you died I feel apart. I am still not together, not even close.
The day after your funeral, I was at work and I started shaking violently. It was about the scariest thing ever.
And then it came to me, like a final gift from you.... that what happened to me was my FOO's big secret.

Trigger Warning
You see, I knew my mom tried to kill me. She told me once. But I kinda thought it wasn't that big of a deal. My mom was mentally ill... that made it ok.
At that moment, it hit me that they hid this. My dad snuck my mom away to a psychiatric hospital and pretended it never happened. (side note- I believe the stories they had to make up at the time became my mother's truth)
I was shaking so bad as it became so clear that she tried to murder me and cover it up with lies,., and then spent the next 40 years gaslighting me, trying to convince me and everyone else what I liar I was.
End TW

I credit you for that final gift of some clarity. Though I sure wish I had you to help me pick up the pieces.
You will always be my hero for the joy you always had in the darkest times.
I love you and miss you every single day.
I honour you today for the man you were. You were and always will be a legend.