Intro to Me (May be a trigger)

[LindseyK1994]

Hello all,

So I find this very difficult to do, but I figured this has a lot more likely of a chance to help me as well as one day helping others.

My name is Lindsey. I was born in 1994. My mother was 21 with two sons already 3 and 1. My father was 37 and had an older daughter that lived full-time with her mother. (She moved out at 10 to be with her mom.)
My mother had grown up in a stressful household (her father absent, her mother bipolar and who is no longer alive due to her own decision).

My parents divorced when I was 5. My oldest brother went with my mother since my father was not biologically his, but my brother and I stayed. Before their divorce I witnessed my father physically abuse my mother. I remember telling him to stop when I was 3 or 4.
I lived with my father for 9 years after that, being physically, mentally, and sexually abused. I saw my mother every other weekend excluding 2 years when she was in the military. I never spoke of my abuse as I was ashamed and felt I was to blame.
When I was 14 I moved to my mother's house. My second oldest brother stayed (as far as I am aware he was only mentally abused.) My father tried to manipulate me due to my brother still living with him by refusing to let me communicate with him only if I communicated with my father and saw him.
This went on for a year before I could no longer bring myself to see or hear from him. After that any contact would cause panic attacks. He still tried to contact me until about a year ago.

Living in my mother's house was difficult. My stepfather had anger issues as well and was a very big trigger for me. We fought a lot and he and my mother fought a lot about me. I felt I was to blame for their unhappiness. They were trying to have another child and my mom blamed me at one point for causing too much stress and preventing her from becoming pregnant (she had her tubed untied, but they eventually closed back up from scaring.
So I also endured mental abuse living in my mother's house and found myself having panic attacks, nightmares, having extreme difficulty coping with daily struggles. When I was 15 I started seeing a therapist and got a psychiatrist. I was on various antidepressants until I was put on Lamictal and Trazadone(this was for my insomnia). I have difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep (often waking between 3am-5am and not being able to fall back asleep. I have night sweats at times as well.
I was believed to have bipolar disorder type lV(unspecified) but I have now come to know it is CPTSD.

I still have panic attacks, insomnia, anxiety, depression, and difficulty coping amount other things. My hope is to get help learning how to manage my CPTSD so I can have a happy life with my husband. Thank you for listening.
                                     Lindsey

[Dee]

Welcome, I think you will find a home here with people who understand.

Dee