Bad Dreams

[LittleBirdy]

These past few weeks I've had bad dreams every night, some worse than others. Last week I had a dream where my boyfriend was telling me that I shouldn't complain about my childhood because his was worst than mine. Now this is something he wouldn't ever even think of saying to me! He even apologized when I told him about it! That is how caring he is towards me that he feels guilty that the dream version of him said something mean. With this being said, I think the dream has two meanings that I am aware of. He too was abused in his childhood, but he was physically abused mostly while I was mostly emotionally abused. I know you can't compare two situations, and consciously I make an effort not to. But whenever I complained about things that bothered me as a child, I was invalidated. I was told that I had a good life and that other children had it worst and was shut down, so I feel as though I do that to myself now. Also, I have this fear that someday he won't be nice to me anymore and he'll abuse me too and I'll be trapped in a lifetime of abuse. Does anyone have any advice on how I can overcome these feelings?

[Three Roses]

First of all, welcome to the forum! I'm glad you're here.

You're right - it is pointless to compare the two, but I think it's just in our nature as humans to do so.

Abuse is sometimes less what happens, and more what doesn't happen. Children need to be nurtured and loved, knowing they have value and are an integral part of the family. If they live without a sense of safety, belonging, and importance, that is neglect. According to the American Psychological Association's website:

Children who are emotionally abused and neglected face similar and sometimes worse mental health problems as children who are physically or sexually abused, yet psychological abuse is rarely addressed in prevention programs or in treating victims, according to a new study published by the American Psychological Association.
http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/10/psychological-abuse.aspx

As for overcoming this, perhaps do some reading here on this site and elsewhere on our "Inner Critics" and their effects on our thinking. Overcoming these vicious inner voices is one of the common problems discussed here. Self-affirmations, writing letters to our inner children, and other approaches are all valid and helpful, but each of us need to find what works best for us.

I'm sorry that you went through all that pain as a child! You deserve to be valued, and to be important - most of all by and to yourself. Being convinced that you were neglected & thus harmed - and worthy of healing - may be your first hurdle. Thanks for posting!