Triggering "friends"

[Blackbird]

Hey guys 

So, for the last 16 years or so I haven't been able to form real friendships, I moved a lot and that hindered my ability to solidify relationships. Then my Bipolar symtpoms started to show up, a lot of reckless behaviour and alcohol and drugs and nasty people around me with lack of empathy.

Fast forward, after my hospitalization and consequencial to losing everyone around me besides M and sisters, I became incrinsingly isolated. I shut down, dealt with it by eating and watching TV, until a person I met a few years back called me up to join this self defense class. I was in an abusive relationship before, knew I had trauma from it, and decided to give it a go. That person became my friend, and I started hanging out with more people again. Besides her, who is genuinely a good friend, everyone else seems to lack empathy to my mental health, not understanding why I can't go out at night or to concerts because it harms my mental health.

Lately, though, some people from my past started ressurfacing. I was cordial to most of them, my abusive ex I simply ignored, and started reconnecting with one friend who used to be my best friend for a lot of years. We met once for coffee, for me to test the waters and see if I could let him into my life again, he seemed fine. Until recently he started sending me emails every day talking about satanism and the occult, I try to change the subject and talk in scientific terms with him, but he keeps going back to the same pattern. It was a pattern I used to, emphasis on the used to part, be very keen to in the past, when I was 'out of it'.

The thing is, he is still friends with a guy that broke my heart and his girlfriend, my ex very good friend that later humiliated me because I have a mental disorder, and a lot of other insane characters from my past... It's been a * of a trigger to go back to that. I was free from it and now I feel I've opened the door for them to come back into my life.

The thing is, he doesn't consider my mental issues relevant, keeps saying I'm the sanest person he knows and that even when I was psychotic that the only thing I did wrong was do a lot of drugs and hang out the with wrong people.

Yesterday he sent me a huge email talking about the "importance of family" and that set me off. I was strong though, and replied that that's not true for a lot of us, that have more than what is the so called 'normal dysfunction' in most families, that some of us were abused and carry a lot of pain from that abuse. He thinks the tales of abuse are all a conspiracy to diminish family values.  Talk about being protected from reality, right?

Well, I didn't reply. Thought it was unnecessary, he will keep having his opinion and I can't change that. He, like most my friends who met M think she's great for me, super supportive and caring. Doens't believe me when I say things aren't the way they seem. The only person who believed me back then is no longer in my life and broke my heart.

Well, this is a vent/asking for opinions.

I have another friend who also suffered from severe neglect when she was a child, but refuses to aknowledge her problems and has a lot of stigma towards mental disorders. I backed away from her...

So my only friend is one person. It's so sad isn't it? How do I meet new people though? I want to go back to college and finish a degree but I'm not yet stable from Bipolar, so I'll wait another year until I'm more prepared to handle it. Maybe then I'll meet new people.

I have such a hard time learning how to trust, to be open with people, to let them see behind the "everything is alright" mask.

Well, thanks for reading. 

[Three Roses]

I'm not sure if I should answer this as I have no idea of the challenges you face because of having bipolar.

But...with regard to anyone who doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated, I'm afraid it's the door for them. Goodbye, good wishes, best of luck. This includes people who seem to be treating me well but refuse to recognize that I am different; if they want to squeeze me into the same generic mold as everyone who's never been thru the things I have...well, I'm sorry I just don't squeeze that way anymore.

Hang in there! 

[Blackbird]

You're right Three Roses. Regarding Bipolar or C-PTSD, it's similar, the triggers are similar.

I just have this submissive quality in me that renders me unable to say a straighforward goodbye, I never left anyone, everyone else left me. I feel a bit stupid about it, I should be able to say "no, you don't fit in my life" but I can't.

I may write him an email, but it will take a while in drafts for me to have the courage to send it.

[Three Roses]

Or, you can say nothing, and just 

[Blackbird]

  Eheheh it's always a possibility.

[SunBear]

Hi Blackbird,

Thank you for sharing this, I note the same as three roses  however it resonated with me in regards to saying goodbye to people who are unable to empathise or take in to account how certain situations may make you feel, especially after being open with them and trying to build trust which is repetitively broken. In a lot of ways people have always left me too and not the other way around.

I was initially in a horrid cycle of ignoring the toxic qualities and going back to these 'friends', when speaking with my counsellor she asked me why I was going back, in phrase that makes me chuckle 'why do you keep eating liver if you don't like liver?' cant remember the context but it always makes me chuckle. I then realised that I don't owe them an explanation and even though this person had done a great deal for me (which I was using as an excuse for their behaviour) it was okay to let go. For me starting to get to grips with the above became such an empowering movement for me.

I was scared it would be confrontational saying good bye but with one friend, I just stopped messaging, visiting and stopped taking phone calls, and although I was anxious about letting them go I now feel free to start to making healthy relationships and friendships where support and trust are big values.

I hope you don't mind me posting, I think what I was trying to say is that let them go however you feel is best for you whatever works for you!

I wish you all the best with your future, cheering you all the way! 

I'm not sure if I should answer this as I have no idea of the challenges you face because of having bipolar.

But...with regard to anyone who doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated, I'm afraid it's the door for them. Goodbye, good wishes, best of luck. This includes people who seem to be treating me well but refuse to recognize that I am different; if they want to squeeze me into the same generic mold as everyone who's never been thru the things I have...well, I'm sorry I just don't squeeze that way anymore.

Hang in there! 

- I absolutely love that line about 'squeezing' Three Roses! 

[Blackbird]

It's been hard to just let go, SunBear. I tried and failed and now I'm back to ignoring them again. I even deleted my facebook account, not to fall into temptation of the "feeling lonely, lets see what's up with their lives" thing.   

I just need peace of mind, they can't provide that than so be it and bye bye! 

I like that metaphor, and I really don't like liver.