To be Candid...

[Blueberry]

  while you're going through this. I hope sometime soon a doc who knows what s/he is doing comes up with a lasting solution to the problem.

[Candid]

Thanks Three Roses, sanmagic7 and Blueberry.    I wasn't aware of it (or anything else) at the time, but I definitely must have had the Team with me while crossing the road. 

The waiting room was packed and the surgery a shambles, as always.  Their computer was down, which meant everyone had to check in at reception, no one seemed to have a clue who was waiting or what order we came in, and no one's patient notes would be available to the doctors. Having pointed out to the receptionist that no one can get through on the phone and that the online booking 'service' doesn't work at all, I realised I was... um, disinhibited.  For me this has always been the result of severe sleep deprivation, as far back as I can remember. So there was a part-time Aussie in a room packed with stoic Brits for two hours.  I laughed out loud several times, checked "recommended" on a feedback form and wrote under "comments" that it was better than Monty Python.

On balance, I don't think it was worth dragging myself there so a doctor who doesn't know me from Adam could see a Day One.  The point was to get it on record. I had the six-page list of Pill C adverse side-effects, on which I had underlined everything that's also a symptom of severe sleep deprivation.  I made it clear I'd taken one of them almost a week ago and nothing since.  I told her about Day One and Day Two. I opened my diary at random and read out a Day One. (It's an A7 page a day, so that took about 10 seconds.)

She consulted the bible then handed it to me with her finger on Pill B side-effects: agitation, memory loss, confusion, disorientation, irritability, irrational thoughts, etc.  (I was double-dosing on those at the end.)

I pointed out that these were also the symptoms of severe sleep deprivation, ie. the very thing the blasted pills are supposed to fix.  I certainly had all the above before I took any pills. Is this a homoeopathic kind of deal?  It gets a whole lot worse and then it gets better?  Because I'll admit I blanch at long lead-in times.  I imagine Big Pharma rubbing its hands, here's another one about to take the bait that leads to lifelong legal addiction.  Being addicted to anything is a health-wrecking nuisance.  And in the meantime, it's an accurate perception that things are getting worse, plus nothing's been done about the cause.

I wondered why I'd gone beyond the standard 10 minutes with her until she said she couldn't let me out while I was talking about lethal doses and walking out in traffic.  I was gobsmacked.  Had she heard me at all?  I had to repeat that I'd thrown out Pill C and that four or five hours' sleep out of every 48 regularly has me going about in a trance.

If she's able to put anything on record, what with the computer system being down and all, I doubt it will be sympathetic,  Lesson learned: Day Ones are for staying in the attic.

Thought I'd drop last night and was surprised to be awake long after lights-out downstairs.  I woke at 3am and have been up since 6.

[Three Roses]

 

I'm so sorry! I do hope you get some sleep soon. Words fail me, I'm so sorry you're going thru this and wish I could do something to help you, my friend.

[sanmagic7]

o sweetie, another horrible doc experience.  dang, will they never stop?  my heart is with you, i hope you know that.  standing right beside you.  sending angel wings to embrace you with gentle, soothing calm and care, hoping you can sleep the sleep of the righteous.  at least for one night. 

i sure do hope this gets fixed and quickly.   sleep deprivation is so dangerous, so mind-messing.  please take care of yourself as best you can.   love and hugs always.

[Blueberry]

Having pointed out to the receptionist that no one can get through on the phone and that the online booking 'service' doesn't work at all, I realised I was... um, disinhibited.  For me this has always been the result of severe sleep deprivation, as far back as I can remember. So there was a part-time Aussie in a room packed with stoic Brits for two hours.  I laughed out loud several times, checked "recommended" on a feedback form and wrote under "comments" that it was better than Monty Python.

Nothing like a healthy dose of disinhibition.

The point was to get it on record.

I hope very much for you that getting it on record will help in some way. For me in a social services kind of setting (rather than the doc's) it was actually helpful that I got a bit 'loud' even though they made remarks like 'this is not the loony bin here', but they still had it on record that although I was a young woman who didn't look as if she had a problem, I actually did seem to have one, and they supported my application for a disability permit, which meant that the place who decides on disability permits would be more likely to accept the application right away. They did too.

As for the rest of your post, I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. I don't understand much about medication, purely because I'm lucky in that I haven't had to take that much over the years.

But I do have experience in not being heard / listened to.  Mind-messing, more especially so with our backgrounds.

and angel wings (good idea, san!) to wrap around you, soothe you for the night and help you sleep.

[Candid]

Three Roses, 'mere' acknowledgment does help -- as we here all know, especially when we're not getting it. Thank you.

sanmagic7, I am taking care of myself as best I can, and I know you are too. 

Blueberry, I was registered disabled in Oz (on grounds of CPTSD), got a good pension, and the government actually housed me at one stage.  That all stopped when I left the country, and I'm not entitled to age pension for another five years.  In England I'm not entitled to anything until I've been here two years.  One down, one to go...

However, I do have a bus pass.  H insisted I apply on the grounds of disability, so on the form I wrote about the 2015 knock on the head.  When we were at the surgery, H neglected to mention that I couldn't drive before that, never have driven. Same surgery, so the doctor was delighted to stamp the form, put his squiggle on it, and see us out.

Well, I didn't sleep Thursday night, either, so I don't think I was on line Friday morning.  Spent the day in the attic reading, and writing by hand. I'd arranged to meet an old friend after work, and decided it would be better to walk into town than to get the bus.  We had a lovely evening in a pub, a bit noisy but I was able to focus and we talked up a storm.  When we parted outside I think it was about 9.30.  He had to go in the opposite direction to get his bus, so I drifted through the town centre and texted H that I was at the bus stop.  While on the bus I got a text from my friend saying he'd had a good time and was home.  That was quick, I thought.  My next text to H was something akin to Houston, we've got a problem.  He immediately called asking where I was, and I said I don't know.  He said I'll come and get you and I didn't think to enquire how.  There was just me and the driver and one other male passenger.  The driver confirmed that I'd missed my stop (by miles) and said I'm not happy to let you off here, we're nearly at the end of the run so I'll let you know when we get back to it.

Meanwhile the other passenger was asking where I wanted to go, and said: "I know where you need to come out: opposite the George & Dragon."  Bingo!  So we were talking about the general area, then he got off wishing me well.  Another call from H: get off the bus at Sainsbury's. Me; Where's Sainsbury's?  Him: This isn't *expletive* funny, Candid. Ring the bell now and get MOFO BATTERY DIES.

So I approached the driver again and he said: "I told you when we were back at your stop.  We'll be back in the town centre soon." Lots of people got on, and after a while it was just me and the driver again until eventually he said, with some emphasis: THIS is your stop.  I told him thanks mate, your reward is in heaven and he asked if I knew where I was going.  I think he would have driven me to MIL's front door if I'd pushed it.

I don't recall seeing the George and Dragon. By the time I let myself in, H had gone to his friend's house for the regular Friday night sit-up-to-3am thing they do.  I plugged the phone in the charger and texted him that I was in the attic.  Got up around 4am and got through yesterday somehow. In the afternoon we went to my birth town, round the childhood haunts and ending with dinner at the favourite restaurant of our dating days.  Turns out he'd been pursuing the bus when my phone conked out. 
Why didn't you SAY so instead of wittering on about Sainsbury's?
I thought you'd hung up on me, so I went to (friend)'s.

Got good boundaries, my H. 

When we got 'home' I put my jammies on, took just one Pill B (it had been a week; enough is enough) and descended to H's room.  Woke bang on 3am in pitch darkness; groped for my bedside lamp and was groping for quite a while before I realised I was in H's bed instead of on a foam mattress in the attic.  That must be where he is. I don't remember him removing my glasses and manoeuvering me under the quilt.  Have been creeping about here ever since, although it's daylight again now.

NTS: One Pill B gets me about five hours, if it's Saturday night and I haven't slept since Tuesday.

Sorry for the tome.  I get garrulous in writing when I'm like this.  Actual talking is too hard.  Theoretically nothing to do until trauma therapy assessment on Tuesday afternoon.

[Blueberry]

Candid, you make me laugh, but your situation really shouldn't make people laugh atm. It's just the way you write, like to top it all off, MOFO battery dies.

Once  in inpatient setting when a patient said something and everybody laughed including me, the T remarked that people sometimes laugh when really they should be crying. The room went very quiet... I'm thinking of that now.

I of course hadn't realised that you're not entitled to anything for another year. That is hard, awful... So that means you might even have to wait that long for therapy?!

You can be as garrulous as you like in your Journal, methinks. Especially so if it does you good.
Wishing you all the best atm and doubley thanks for your support when you're in a bad way.

[sanmagic7]

o my dearest candid,

you dear sweet sister of my heart, i'm just glad you got home and are safe.  getting turned around like that is a nightmare, indeed.  5 hrs. of sleep in a week is wreaking havoc with your life.  i wish there was something i could do to help you with this.  all i can do is send you loads of love and support.  the angel wings are forever there to embrace you and help you get some needed sleep.   a caring and concerned hug coming your way. 

[Candid]

Candid, you make me laugh...

Yeah, it was funny.  I was laughing, too.  More poignant, to me, is H (for Hero) chasing the number 26 all over town. Someone came looking for me, and it's not the first time he's done similar.  It's highly illegal to use a mobile phone while driving and he NEVER does it; that's why it didn't occur to me he could be right behind the bus AND talking to me.  In hot pursuit of his little goat -- that's what he calls me on occasions like this. 

That brings tears to my eyes.  Not one of my FOO members (or anyone else) has ever come to my rescue in the way H does.  Now I get the reminder about dear old Dad, who in 2002 sent me money to get myself out of a tight situation (understatement) in Wales.  I'd called around 3am, just before lunchtime in Australia.  Mother answered the phone, told me they had guests, and hung up on me.  A few minutes later Dad called from another room.  He told me he'd worked out the time in Wales (family grapevine in good order) and he knew his namesake was in trouble.

He hoped I'd go back to Melbourne. Of course he did.  I said I needed to get to England and he sent the money anyway.

How could I have told him?  He adored her, could see no fault in her, believed everything she said about me and probably everything else.  But he did what he could when he could.  Always.  Lots of times.

And how could They have told me?  They all knew my cellphone and email. I couldn't have expected it from Mother or YoungerSis. ElderSis maybe....  No.  Of course not.  Lost to the world.  But GCbro... He only had to text two words: Dad's dead, so I didn't have to find the death and funeral notices on line at 2am when there was no one to call.  Six weeks after the event.

My bestie last week: "Surely she must think about it... three ++++ed-up daughters?"  Bestie's very perceptive for someone whose two parents loved her, and who's a terrific mother herself.

BIG TRIGGER HERE
I always balked at the idea that everyone who marries marries their opposite-sex parent. END BIG TRIGGER It's taken me 15 years to realise in what way H is like my dad.  It's easy to see in what way I'm like MIL, who frazzles herself worrying about everyone else.

T remarked that people sometimes laugh when really they should be crying. The room went very quiet... I'm thinking of that now.

Blueberry, I retired to the attic to cry over whatever-post-it-was.  You wrote something like: "They feel braver when I'm there." That was the sentence that opened the floodgates.  Now you've taken that bravery back, because you need it and because you know the rescue organisation will do the right thing.

So that means you might even have to wait that long for therapy?!

For some reason, no.  Well, the good old NHS doesn't want even foreigners Doing Themselves In or clogging up the nuthouses.  My long-awaited intake interview is... tomorrow!

5 hrs. of sleep in a week is wreaking havoc with your life.

It's been pretty wild, san.  ONE Pill B Saturday night, about five hours.  Second one last night, H this morning: "There's no point putting an episode of Jeeves and Wooster on for you. You just fall asleep." But last night when he decided to intervene I made it up to the attic.  He says that was around 9pm.  I woke around 3am but didn't get up (and on line) until 5am. 

The doctor I saw Thursday told me to take ONE Pill B for seven nights.  I now think she was right, so that's what I'm going to do.  They're not intended for long-term use.

wish there was something i could do to help you with this.

You do and you already have. 

[sanmagic7]

best to you with the assessment, candid.  i'll be right beside you absolutely. 

so glad your h came after you.  it is a special feeling to have someone come for us.  my hub did that for me, which caused me to know that he was worth my time and effort.  haven't had too much of that in my life, either.   very grateful to experience it, tho, at least once.

hope those pills will help settle your system somewhat and you can get back on some type of sane sleep schedule.  fingers crossed and prayers flyin', doll.   big hug to you.

[Blueberry]

So that means you might even have to wait that long for therapy?!

For some reason, no.  Well, the good old NHS doesn't want even foreigners Doing Themselves In or clogging up the nuthouses.  My long-awaited intake interview is... tomorrow!

I hope so much for you that your intake interview will lead to some help and support, soon. 

[Blueberry]

Candid, how's it going? I hope you're just busy and tired, maybe even 
I tried to PM but it doesn't work. So made me wonder. I just hope everything's OK, or as OK as it ever is with this Beast. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Candid, how's it going? I hope you're just busy and tired, maybe even 
I tried to PM but it doesn't work. So made me wonder. I just hope everything's OK, or as OK as it ever is with this Beast. 

Hope things are alright, Candid.