loss of identity!?

[esthergrace]

i wasn't sure where to post this, but I was wondering if anyone else can shed some light on this.

I have been living in my own place for about a year now, and its the 1st year in my whole life (that i'm consciously aware of) that I have been free from abuse. I thought things would get better and in some respects they have. I have more control over my anxiety and depression etc and now I can focus more of my energies on dealing with the C-PTSD and stuff.

the struggle I have is that I feel like some of the time I feel like i'm able to be the person I want to be, but I feel at a loss of identity. I feel that as I the dust has settled and the anxiety has quietened, I can see that the two or more versions of myself are very clearly different. It's so hard to explain, because it's not like i'm experiencing emotions in this one version of myself. for example, the person I choose to be every day is kind, loving and caring. I try to be patient. and I understand that i will feel negative emotions but they are sooo far in the other direction that i feel as though that side of me is a different person entirely. i am either one person (kind, loving, patient caring.) or i lose my rag and i'm a completely different person (aggressive, angry, hateful, almost borderline abusive.. i feel like i have become the person who abused me for all of those years).
OR i'm like a child - vulnerable, afraid, disconnected, confused, i don't understand.

When people rattle the cage (ie touch a nerve/'trigger' the ptsd) its like i flip from being the person i choose to be, and uncontrollably switch between the other two, back and forth for what seems like a lifetime until i tire myself out and fall asleep.

And i can go for a really long time being the positive version of myself that i choose to be, but as soon as stress comes my way or someone tries to dig around in that emotional lockbox (that i know is there and i know it exists i just don't know how to access it without becoming these two other versions of myself) that's when i flip out.

but like i said, as time has gone by and i have dealt with certain aspects of this issue, it's become clearer that i don't experience these emotions as one whole person but as different versions of myself. I feel at a loss of identity because the other two emotions don't feel like me - or i don't WANT them to be me, but at the same time, when i start experiencing them again, i start to question my positive identity and if that is really me...
which then makes it harder for me to physically identify as myself, because i look in the mirror and i don't recognise who i am, and it doesn't matter what i do to my physical image, i don't identify as anyone...

does this even make sense? can someone please help! thanks in advance :/

[Dee]

It makes sense, and I get it.  I can't explain it either.  However, I totally get it.  I hope that offers something.  I think it is different ego states, which I have been told I have.

[sanmagic7]

it makes sense to me, too,  maybe from a different angle, as i haven't experienced it myself to any great degree.  i can only give you my thoughts on this.

you have a year of no abuse under your belt now.  what a difference that must be, and is, from all that has gone before.  during this time, you have had the opportunity to become yourself on different levels, something that was not allowed before.  during the abusive times, all you could do was react in the manner best suited for the occasion in order to survive physically, mentally, and emotionally.  you were in a constant battle for your life.

during this battle, parts of you had to be tamped down because they could put you in danger.  we all have those parts of us, the bright parts, the light parts, and the dark and mysterious parts.  humans are complex beings - we aren't all one way or another.  yet, we couldn't be who we truly were, with all our parts at hand, because of our situations or circumstances. 

my guess is that, during this time of relative peace, your total you is beginning to show itself.  i think it was always there, but just not allowed to come out from hiding.  i don't think it's unusual to be physically different when a different part shows up.  i know that when i'm very happy or excited about something, my eyes twinkle.  my face looks very different then than when i'm extremely angry.  my body take a different form as well, with muscles and tendons bunched and tensed. 

many times i've seen people look completely different when changed by emotions or, for instance, when under the influence.  they act differently, they can look smaller or larger, they walk differently, all kinds of things are different.  i think what you're experiencing is simply (or complexly) all your parts being able to show themselves, finally and at last. 

i also think that as you continue in a non-abusive environment, these parts will integrate themselves more efficiently, and you will see that they are all parts of you.  usually, we don't want to have that dark side of ourselves show, nor do we want to be that vulnerable child-person, and often we don't even want to admit that we are like that sometimes.  i know i don't.

during this move i've made, i've gone through these 3 parts at different times.  i didn't like the raging part of me when it showed itself, but i do believe it was necessary because it was a protective device that i hadn't really had access to in my past (it, too, was in response to a trigger).  feeling so vulnerable and helpless, wanting to be taken care of has also been with me as i'm settling into my new role after my move. 

of course, this is just my opinion, and i hope it makes some sense.  it's what makes sense to me as i continue on this journey to who knows what and where.  i do hope, esthergrace, that you can continue to be kind to yourself, no matter what part is showing or acting out.  all your parts deserve kindness and care and love and acceptance.  big hug to you.

[Dee]

SM, thanks for that. 

[esthergrace]

Thanks for replying. I feel that both of your responses have been helpful. I guess my fear is that, whilst I know all of these emotions need to come out and not be stifled, I'm in danger of becoming abusive myself; so I stifle the anger more because I haven't found a way in which to deal with it, then it only takes one person to say the wrong thing for me to suddenly explode.
The irony is that whilst the childlike vulnerability does come out when I feel attacked, it's usually my own angry outburst that takes me into the childlike state - which I then start the process of self soothing and jumping back and forth between self soothing and angry.

But in some ways this is progress, because I couldn't quite put into words what this was before, because its like there is a clear cut line between every grouping of emotions/identity and i couldn't explain it. But i spoke to my OT straight away when i realised this whole thing and he took note of it and said it would be good to mention to my psychologist when i start trauma therapy in a couple of weeks.

i'm forever grateful for this explanation though. it really makes me feel a bit more sane knowing that it is literally just part of the process. i hope you both find healing in your journeys too and thank you so much for the support. honestly, no-one in my life quite understands and I've been so desperate for someone to really know , so that when i struggle communicating it they just get it. thanks again <3

[stephernovasx]

You have a situation similar to mine. I have only been about 6 months in my own place now, and I'm not formally diagnosed with C-PTSD.

Throughout my life, I have bene judged everytime I was vulnerable and let a piece of me be shown. For example, aside from when I was really young, and plastered magazine cut outs of the backstreet boys all over my bedroom walls, I was never truly allowed to embrace who I am, and have it nurtured. I don't know why, but my mother did not seem to like who I was internally. If I were to describe myself right now, while ignoring the serious self-defeating thoughts implanted in my brain, I would tell you I am a healer. I embrace kindness, acceptance and spend my days encouraging other people to uncover their hidden potentials - I'm also a social worker by trade. I would give you the shirt off my back if the situation required it. In saying that, my mom thought that was dumb. For whatever reason, she preferred judging people and reveling in who was right or wrong in any given situation - and if you can guess, the majority of the time she would proclaim she had been wronged. Anyways, back to my apartment - here, I struggled to have anything in here but the bare minimum - bed, couches, tv, coffee table..you know, the basics. People asked me to put pictures of friends up..I didn't know how to tell them I didn't have any. That I didn't feel safe enough to expose myself like that yet. I had a really good friend who tried to help me out and understand my struggles, but since I didn't know what was happening with me (I didn't realize how bad I was suffering yet), she ended our friendship (at least for now). She was the first person who I was sharing the DEEPLY buried stuff with, so you can guess that hurts a lot. However, now I'm here. Alone - can be very isolating. In this apartment, with not a single soul telling me what I need to be doing, thinking, feeling, saying, breathing, living, nothing. Sometimes it's isolating, and other times it's freeing. I too have looked in the mirror wondering who that person was staring back at me. Part of it is because you've moved out on your own - that's a natural thing to happen, to grow into a new sense of identity. But, the rest of the stuff is the garbage you have to go through and ask yourself why you packed it and brought it to your new place. This time, YOU get to decide what and who you want in YOUR home. You don't have to put up with anyone's crap. But as we all do, it sounds like you took baggage with you that you'd rather have left behind. That's what I'm working on.

Everything you described is exactly what I was feeling, am/have gone through. Practice self-care and slowing down to ask yourself what will make this home feel safe for you. This is your opportunity to break free and change your life to how it should've been in your youth. It took a while, but now you're finally able to let yourself grow up in a safe and nurturing environment. Hope you can learn to enjoy it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, esthergrace, i'm really glad for you that you can recognize even the messiness of not quite knowing as progress.  i totally agree.  any change from what we were toward what we want to become is some sort of progress.  well done!

have you tried any exercises to let some of that residual anger out so it doesn't explode out so bluntly when triggered?  thinking of something or someone who i'm angry at and then pounding my bed, yelling, cussing, just making a lot of noise has been very helpful to me.  it gets the anger out physically from where it's been stored in your body, and it also gives you a feeling of empowerment knowing that it's ok to let it out.  believe me, i know from experience how important it is to get it out.

this way, you will be letting the anger out in a safe way instead of an abusive way to someone else.  writing and drawing angry words, thoughts, feelings, and pictures of situations and people i'm angry about has also helped me.  when i've finished a notebook or a drawing, i always used to take it out to the trash to get that angry energy out of my surroundings.

stephanvovasx, i agree with you about we all bring baggage with us, especially when we make our first big move out of an abusive environment.  we do, eventually, need to sort through it, decide what needs to go more quickly, making priorities, and what we can keep around for awhile because it's not as harmful to us or anyone else at the moment.

it is a process, and we will be messy at times as we go through it, unsure, confused, doubtful about our decisions, but, in the end, we will get where we want to go.  of that i have no doubt.  best to both of you with all this.  it's a handful at times.  hugs all around.