Where did it all come from? (TW)

[Montys]

I've been cleaning out a file cabinet I have recently. I have a tendency to hoard things, so there were plenty of things from my childhood shoved in there chaotically, and I went through and looked through every single piece of paper and journal I found (and there were literally hundreds of them).

When I was nine there was this sudden pattern of me journaling about rather depressing things. My days would be fine and normal, but something really insignificant would happpen and I'd start writing about how useless and pathetic I was, how no one liked me, how unimportant my existence was, and how I would be better off dead. And I do remember being nine and crying myself to sleep pretty frequently, but it was over the stupidest things, like this really strong conviction that my mother loved my sister more than me, and that's a sentiment that still kind of exists today. Just two days ago, for example, my sister asserted to me that she was my mom's best friend and therefore she loved her more than she loves me, and then proceeded to insult me.

What's hard about this is my sister said it in kind of a joking way, but my family does that a lot. Like growing up my dad would jokingly tell me anything that happened is my fault, and he still does, but at some point in time I started to really think that it was my fault things were going wrong. But that's just me being stupid and oversensitive, most likely.

The point is, I guess, that I can't really pin down anything in particular that would be so bad as to give me C-PTSD. I guess my experience being raised as an evangelical Christian was traumatic, as I still have nightmares about it, but so many kids grow up totally fine whereas I developed GAD and agoraphobia because of it when I was 11 and still struggle with anxiety and mood issues. And my parents are weird too; they're on the brink of divorcing right now which is doing no good for my mental well-being, but it's like both of my parents have two different personas that they flip in and out of. So they're both very loving and affectionate most of the time, but the tiniest thing will make my dad either start throwing things or stop talking to us for hours or days at a time (I still live with my parents, and I haven't seen my father in three days now because he got into a fight with my mother). My mom is a lot harder to describe, but when she gets angry she gets indignant, and I guess she's said some really bad things to me, but the problem is that it's not like a frequent thing that happens.

I wasn't really actively bullied or emotionally abused, and I was never physically or sexually abused, and I never experienced any big and real trauma, and I'm left confused about what happened to me as a child to make me want to kill myself when I was 9 years old. The only other thing I can think of was being gay & trans in an environment that can get very hostile towards LGBT individuals, but I wasn't really aware of it until I was older.

Sorry that was so long, I'm just confused and in constant need of validation. I hate saying I'm mentally ill or something when the more reasonable answer is that I'm overdramatic, ungrateful, and selfish.

[Elphanigh]

Montys,

First of all, your feelings and worries are valid. People don't create things like having GAD just for kicks. I can understand it being hard not being able to pinpoint a cause of all of those things, although I knew about mine, I can sympathize because there are pieces I still don't have. I can't completely understand but I do empathize.

I am sorry your family sounds like an unhealthy place, and I am not sure exactly what things happened as you grew up in such a religious environment, but religious abuse is a form that can affect people greatly. All this to say I believe you, and you need not feel bad for having developed these things. Like everyone else you have a process of healing to go through.

All the warm comfort and hugs to you if you want them 

[LaurelLeaves]

I guess my experience being raised as an evangelical Christian was traumatic, as I still have nightmares about it,

I second that about religious abuse.

but the tiniest thing will make my dad either start throwing things or stop talking to us for hours or days at a time

Sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies.

The only other thing I can think of was being gay & trans in an environment that can get very hostile towards LGBT individuals, but I wasn't really aware of it until I was older.

If you're trans you could have been aware of it when you were much younger, and then repressed when you got older, and don't remember the early memories.

I have memories of being trans when was 5, but by the time I was 9 I wasn't thinking about it at all, and it took it's time re-surfacing.   I believe growing up in the wrong gender was trauma. 

I do not think you're over-dramatic, ungrateful, and selfish.  I think that you were raised in an unhealthy environment, and that it's not your fault, and you just have to heal.

[sanmagic7]

montys,

there's really no definition of what's traumatic for someone and what isn't.  if you're hurting from it in any way, shape, or form, it was traumatic for you.  that's all that counts. 

not having specific incidents or experiences to point to can be extremely confusing, but the sum of all that traumatized you is real.  i believe that as you continue in recovery, you'll begin to remember and feel those bits and pieces that are elusive now and begin to put them together to make a much clearer picture for yourself.  give yourself time, patience, and care.  the trauma was real.  it was not the product of an over-dramatic mind or imagination. 

i think one of the worst parts of this beast we call c-ptsd is its insidiousness.  it causes us to believe that everything wrong was/is our fault.  attempting to renegotiate our reality is quite the opposite of selfishness.  rather, it's both self-preservation and self-care.  questioning what happened and why is a big first step to recovering from our wounds.  you'll get there.  it'll take time, it'll be bumpy and messy, but it will also be filled with realizations and celebrations.  we're on this roller coaster with you.  just keep hanging on.     

[Montys]

Thanks for your very kind words, everyone. It's very needed right now.