in the past and present

[Blueberry]

All the realisations I've been having today about work are bringing things up... I know the theory is you should try and work and earn your keep even if you have C-PTSD and the theory is you shouldn't remain dependent - financially or otherwise -  on your parents or any other FOO members, and I also know that comparing ourselves is not generally helpful. But still I'm thinking about it today.

In retrospect I have always thought it's a good thing my parents didn't throw me out once I left high school, I stayed at home with them and went to uni. I have been told that had they said: "Move out", I would've managed somehow. But even in the years immediately following, I didn't think so. I think I would've thrown in the towel, completely and utterly. Or gone crazy. Or had a complete breakdown.

The realisations coming today make me want to eat, which I have been doing, and self-injure which I've managed not to do. The self-injure impulse is pretty strong though. It's as if I can see my M going ballistic and I'm turning her rage inwards on me. There is no rational reason for her to go ballistic, nor was there in the past, but she did.

So if I manage another post this evening and mention that it's difficult or put an asterix, this is what I'll be referring to: self-injury / throwing in the towel life-wise rather than work-wise. Sometimes there's a voice in me that says, translated: "The best thing for you would be to kill yourself." I don't know whose voice it is, apart from mine. It's not even in my native language, which makes me think it's not actual words from FOO but what my present day adult has surmised from the memories that have been re-surfacing over the last 12-13 years.  A lot of the memories have been non-verbal, and when i've been asked to express what's going on, often I've been speechless and could only scream / feel an internal scream. Whether or not I expressed it that way.

P.S. I'm not in any danger of suicide, not even when I get the 'voice'. It's not a pleasant state to be in, putting it mildly, but I can manage it in a number of ways from pretty unhealthy like eating, to pretty depressive like disappearing under the covers and sleeping, or dissociating.

[Dee]

I get all of these things.  I also have that screaming in my head.

Is there an inpatient program for you?  I'm not talking just the psych ward for a couple of days.  I'm talking about an actual program.  It made such a difference for me.  I would tell myself I should die.  Now I try to challenge that with I deserve to live.

[Blueberry]

Thanks, Dee, so much. I mean, I'm sorry you have these things too. But it's helpful to hear I'm not the only one.

I've been in extended inpatient treatment about 8 times, and none of that was normal psych ward. The last two inpatient programs were both Trauma Stations but I was majorly re-triggered by a therapist: about 15 topics came up in the space of 10 minutes. Even though according to other patients I was telling him to stop because it was too much, he kept going. I didn't know it any more afterwards, so I must've dissociated. I left the treatment in a worse state than I went in. Now for about 2 years I've had regular outpatient trauma therapy, and I prefer it that way.

Inpatient treatment has never made a big difference to my problems working. Actually outpatient treatment making a difference is only beginning to come now. So that means that before was too early. Sometimes hard to remain patient with myself when I've been not-functioning-really since the year 2001.

[Dee]

For me I got more out of the program than the therapist.  I was also fortunate to be in one of the top programs in the US. 

I am glad that knowing you are not alone is helpful.  Just be open with your therapist.  I wasn't as open as I should of been.

[Blackbird]

You're definitely not alone.. I go through periods of it as well. That "voice" sometimes it's pretty strong.

I first thought it had a connection to my Bipolar but then realized it was there when I'm stable too... With my T I've learned to let it speak and answer accordingly... "Not today", "Life will take me" (or if you prefer, God), "In the future, I'm alive"... things like that. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Blackbird. "Not today" is good. Your post reminds me that I've sometimes said "We've got other options now" which I didn't feel I had as a child. Well, obviously I did or I wouldn't still be alive, but those options weren't very healthy either, if you know what I mean. 

[Blackbird]

"We've got better options now" is excellent. Will use it too   

[Dee]

I agree, the best thing I learned to do is to challenge the negative thoughts with positive ones.  That really does help.  We have three seconds to change a thought so I have positive ones written down all over my house. 

[Lingurine]

Blueberry, it feels good to read that I'm not the only one with this voice in my head. It is truly exhausting sometimes to fight this thought. I noticed that when I'm tired, it gets worse.
Response this thought by saying: 'Not today...' or 'We have other options now...' is a great idea and wants me to explore the subject a little more.

More sleep or be less afraid of this thought and wait until it passes is usually what I tend to do. Have to think about these affirmations. For me, it is a frightening thought and it seems something I can't control. I have to think about this some more.   

Lingurine

[Candid]

It's as if I can see my M going ballistic and I'm turning her rage inwards on me.

I have a lot of anger myself: anger at myself for being so blind for so long, and total outrage at my FOO for ostracising me when all I did was plead with them to accept me as one of them. I don't know what to do with that rage but it frequently makes me want to ... you know. I read somewhere that if we can't express the anger towards the people who caused it, we have no choice but to take it out on ourselves. What are we supposed to do about that? I lost the will to live when I found out Dad had died and no **** had told me.

So last week I ended up banging on the door of the local nuthouse, and had an appointment with a psychiatrist yesterday. I really don't like psychiatrists. This one started out: "I've read all your medical notes and I see you have schizoaffective disorder." I said okay, this isn't going to work, picked up my bag and tried to leave, only to find it was a lock-in.

He told me I had to do 10 minutes of cardio first thing every morning, get a voluntary job, and have my doctor check my thyroid levels. I will probably see the doctor but the other things are beyond me.  It's all I can do to get out of bed, and people keep telling me to get voluntary work as if all you have to do is pick up the phone. I'm seeing unpaid workers being sought, with qualifications, references and long-term commitment, for the kind of job people usually get well paid for. Apart from anything else I haven't had a penny come in for eight months and my 'retirement savings' are looking pale.

The only good thing about him was that by the end of it he said he didn't know how the treating hospital (for my head injury) had got it so wrong. He talked over me a lot, asking questions then interrupting my answers. Oh, and at one point he said: "If you do what I tell you, I can get you well. But if you want to go on doing it your way, you're on your own."

Sorry for the rant on your thread, Blueberry. You are certainly not alone. For now I'm in a holding pattern, a "not today" mode.