Complex ptsd and working

[Annarae12]

I have always had such a hard time working and never knew why. I dissociate the whole time and always feel so physically and mentally sick and exhausted after only a few hours. I get very anxious and it feels like a dream. Working causes me so much discomfort and i was curious if this happens for anyone else?

[Three Roses]

I'm on my way to bed after a long day or this reply would be longer - you are definitely not alone! After a few short hours or a triggering interaction, the rest of the day I feel like I'm in a movie. Or that's how it felt when I was working. Can't work now due to anxiety.

[Annarae12]

Yeah exactly. I definitely feel like I'm in a movie while working or a very foggy dream. I cant work now due to that as well. Thanks for replying, its good to know im not alone. Ive always felt like something was wrong with me because i always feel so crappy especially when working.

[Blueberry]

You are definitely not alone. Working is one of my biggest problems. Always has been. It took a long time till I found other people with a similar problem. I have some posts under C-PTSD and Others / Employment if you're interested.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Anna Rae
Me too .. I haven't worked since January
I can't work full time esp
I'm learning that mental and emotional responses lead so quickly to physical exhaustion... and why not it would make sense with complex ptsd

[Blackbird]

I can't work as well, not in an office or restaurant or in my field of studies, too stressful environments and I don't deal well with people that aren't so nice.

I'm working currently on being a co-host at an airbnb apartment, doing the cleaning and receiving the guests. I work alone and it doesn't take that much time, so it's relaxing.

[Wife#2]

I've had to work my entire adult life. Some jobs were horribly triggering, others not so bad. For a long time, though, the longest I could work was 2-3 years at a place before it just got overwhelming and I'd either set myself up to be fired or I'd just quit. I wouldn't set myself up consciously, but looking back on those times, it was me more than it was the bosses being 'out to get me'.

Right now, the job I currently have is only mildly triggering. Generally, I have an office to myself with doors I can shut if I need to. I can somewhat control the need to 'perform' all day.

It's tiring. Something my disabled, retired husband doesn't get. He worked in a factory. I work in the office at a factory. To him, I have no excuse to be tired, because he doesn't accept that I have cPTSD or that putting on the show at work for 8 hours is so exhausting.

I actually enjoy this job. I work with numbers. Numbers don't judge me. Numbers are either right or wrong, there is no ambiguity. I like that. The cleanliness of it. Still, I do have to deal with other people every day. Some I deal with easily, others it takes all I have to stay present and not scream. Others trigger me without meaning to and I have to work past that and stay in forgiveness mode. Yes, it's tiring, but it's the best job I've had for dealing with my 'issues' and keeping a paycheck coming in. For that I am very thankful. Still, yes, I am very tired of all the effort to appear 'normal' 8 hours a day.

[Blueberry]

I've just written a longish post on employment here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=5963.0 (in my own Journal)

Working in general triggers me. Even housework or looking after my pets, changing the vacuum cleaner bag, sticking a poster on the wall...  Activities that either involve my body, esp. my hands or thinking, making judgements, and explaining them (which sometimes is not JADEing but just part of the work), and then wanting pay on top of it all.... Trigger Trigger Trigger.

[Whobuddy]

I have worked most of my adult life. Wife#2, your job sounds like the one that I dreamed of, being able to shut a door and work alone with numbers. But I have ended up with a very complicated job where I encounter about 100 people a day. Until recently, I only got through by dissociating. It helped me greatly to watch others and imitate them because within my own damaged mind, I didn't have the resources to deal with any of it.

What I notice the most is how much more complicated things are for me than my coworkers. I have to go through many hurdles in my brain while making each decision even something seemingly simple like where to file a paper. Then there is the second guessing and the assuming I have done it wrong. Hence, the exhaustion.

Working a job when you have c-ptsd is a major challenge.

[Candid]

I'm another one who had trouble in the world of work. It was always a struggle to be among people who had good-enough parents, families, normal relationships everywhere. I saw it and still see it as Mainstream vs the Dark Side. We know where they're coming from because we see it shown in movies, but they can never know where we're coming from because they simply don't understand the concept of abusive parents. What's galling is that if we attempt to speak, they want to know why we don't just get over it. They have no thoughts about their own childhoods because good memories don't need management. Bad memories do. So we get told over and over in a hundred different ways to grow up and get over it; 'it' being something they've never faced and never will have to face.

So all the time I was in the workforce I used to get up every so often, go to the ladies', lock myself in a cubicle and have a good cry.

Then came early, forced retirement. I was unprepared financially and I was nowhere near prepared emotionally. I hadn't realised how much it buoyed me to be working among friendly souls, even though Mainstream was something from which I was forever excluded. Without the discipline of getting up and trudging on five days a week no matter what, I became prey to all the pain of my past. It came up like a tsunami and engulfed me. Work had given me a sense of belonging, a better reflected self. Obviously I never internalised that better view of me, because when the people contact stopped it all just went away.

[Wife#2]

Big hugs, Candid. Of course it was hard to keep that going. You've struggled to understand your place in this world. Work gave you an answer. Limited as it may have been, it was an answer - I'm here to do this job and get this pay. When I get home, I can do 'A' and 'B' with my earnings.

And, there is a psychic slam when an employer forcibly retires you. My husband was forcibly retired for his vision, not for his CPTSD. Though, with all he had going on at the time, they were concerned for his physical and mental health. That's for another thread. He laughs about it, but I've been around him long enough now to see the brief shadow pass across his eyes as well. It felt like another rejection. I'm so sorry you had to experience that!

[ricepen22]

Hay good luck with working.
Like a previous reply I've always had to work. I have been in some horrible states at work trying desperately to hide tiers and panic attacks. This has helped me out in the long run. It has helped me control my emotions and in turn helped me have more control over my life.
Work has also been a haven for me. When I split with an ex people were so supportive. Bringing me coffee etc.
Maybe its worth looking at your options. Maybe working with people isn't for you. Which is a pain as its hard to find single work. Book keeping is apparently well paid and can be done from home.

[Rainydaze]

Work's hard for me and full of triggers. I work in a male dominated office where 'weakness' is frowned upon and ridiculed. I'm trying to set up on my own at home selling things online but finding the energy during and after emotional flashbacks is so hard. Hoping to find some part time work outdoors (dog walking perhaps) which might be less of a drain.

[Babysister]

 
I still have days, which follow nightmares about my abuser, where i am exhausted and my creativity is low. I find swimming helps me and purifies my energy anx then i feel re-energized and am able to complete my tasks. But i must take time for the pool on days like that. Pay attention to your dreams some days are exhausting due to our quality of dreams/ sleep the night before.

[cosmo79]

Thank you for this topic, Annarae! I've been finding that I have particular with being or feeling responsible for someone else's work. Anyone else struggle with middle-management stuff like that?