I'm New Here To The Site

[EricS]

I thought I'd just give an introductory post. I'm trying to find out which ptsd forum I should join, or is best for me. I'm going to be honest and say I'm sick to death of this stuff, I don't want it anymore. I want to get over it. Started reading about trauma a few months ago, and something suddenly it clicked somehow. This is what's going on with me - this is what's needing to be solved. It's haunted me for 18 years and I'm still seeing the effects of it in my life - everyday. I want to gather up and get over this. I know I can, now with the proper resources and materials, knowledge and willpower. Trauma is not something easily gotten over, but you can do it, and you have to really want to do it. It's not easy. There is a lot of supplementary work we have to do, just to get 'back to normal' again, back at where others are or seem to be naturally. Trauma damages the self, changes and shifts worldview, darkens your lenses and mirror, and changes your beliefs and views; it causes emotion dysregulation, distortions, all kinds of nastiness in behavior and aloneness, etc. I don't want to be this way, and I want to change.
Thanks for having me, on the forum,

I'm glad to have this place, a place like this to heal.

[Dee]

Welcome!

[Libby12]

Welcome to OOTS,  EricS.

Hopefully you will find this to be a helpful and supportive forum.  I certainly have, and have made an huge amount of progress in getting to grips with c-ptsd in the past few months,  thanks greatly to reading and posting here.

You clearly have a very good grasp of the effects of trauma,  and I imagine that you may have done a lot of reading already,  but there are lots of excellent resources on this site. 

I hope you too find the support you need here and we look forward to hearing more from you on the boards.

Your attitude of wanting to deal with this sounds very positive and we are pleased to help all we can.

Libby

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I found tons of validation and info in the book "The Body Keeps The Score", which covers the effects of trauma on the brain, and different therapies to reduce or eliminate those effects. Now, to just find a trauma-informed therapist. Thanks for joining!

[Kizzie]

Welcome Eric! 

[EricS]

Thank you very much. I'm happy to be a member. Yes, I've done quite a lot of research in the last few months, ever since I discovered or uncovered that what I am actually dealing with is/was trauma, and ptsd. It's been 18 years and I was never the same after one day.
I don't understand why I never allowed myself to . I felt that trauma was what happened to others "more deserving" of that label, than me; that's stupid, but that was my reasoning. I also had a dad who was really hard on me, he expected a lot from us, had high hopes and expectations and he was very type a driven. I don't think he knew about ptsd or that his son (me) had it, he could clearly see I was traumatized, so I wonder why he didn't let up.
Because of his pressure constantly, (I can't blame him) and mostly probably because of ptsd...unaddressed and untreated, I had developed compacted protracted c-ptsd...and later on to develop borderline traits. Once again, I wonder if there were a conceptuatlization of 'that I had ptsd' would it had been any different? I think he didn't want to know and didn't want me to be sick, or anything wrong... This is such a hard issue.  I want to hope so, but the fact that I'm asking the question has doubts in my mind. That's kind of sad, actually. He couldn't even let up to help his sons do the best that they needed, that is truly very sad. I think he thought he was doing the best thing, he let up a little - but there was always that push to be moving forward. I felt that I had constantly to hide and suppress my symptoms... I was ashamed, didn't, that's part of trauma. I just feel that I never had the care I needed. I mean... it's a self conceptualized thing, if you aren't supporting or know yourself - how can you expect that from others? I needed to give more to myself and kinder to me. It starts with me. It starts with us....my dad was military and that probably had something to do with it, but with me and my attitude toward myself - I wanted to drive right ahead, and I didn't want to have a problem or admit weaknesses of any sort... that's the problem. I shouldn't of done that, I needed to be kinder to myself..
That's my two cents for now
It would've been very hard for my dad to let up, but he would've, I'd think, as he learned more about the disorder and the condition. I think he'd understand about it, and give me time and room to cope.

The big tragedy is why didn't I know I had ptsd early on. Earlier on when I was dealing with all of this. That would've changed everything, I mean everything. Once you have a handle on something, and you know what you're dealing with - you can then go on to deal with it effectively. This saddens me and is a great source of pain and suffering for me, as I'm coming to terms with the past. I think, if I would've known about ptsd, and I would've learned and worked hard to get over and past it...things would be different. That's what I needed. I didn't get it. Instead, I had the usual runaround of doctors throwing pills saying labels. This label, that one, that one, this, that the other thing. It was confusion and incompetence. I'm so mad about this, I'm devastated. This was my life. I'm sorry I'm just venting. This is the first time I've come to really fully express these feelings, I've never had context for it.

I've always tried to push it away and just get better, snap out of it. etc. ....I wish I would've known and my family known about ptsd beforehand, so that I would be kinder to myself and gentler in healing and, understanding. A full recovery. We all need to have time and patience to ourselves, we need to be patient, practice kindness and gentle care with ourselves.
I don't know why this was so hard for me. I just didn't apply it. I was hard on myself and just wanted to push it all away. I'd wanted to not admit defeat. A little wisdom pays off.

[EricS]

Welcome! I found tons of validation and info in the book "The Body Keeps The Score", which covers the effects of trauma on the brain, and different therapies to reduce or eliminate those effects. Now, to just find a trauma-informed therapist. Thanks for joining!

I've found one. But I got mad and walked out of the room on her last time. I don't know how it'll go. Does anyone find self-destructive behavior and just throwing your life away (hiding) a big part of post traumatic experience? Just not caring about your life, having a low image of yourself, not letting anyone near. I hate this. I don't want to throw a life away, can't believe how I've slowly watched myself change in my past- how I became so jaded. I can't believe I'm getting over this. It is almost too good to be true.

That's like having a second crack at a brand new life. I simply can't believe it.. I've found dissociation to be the single most destructive thing that kept me from living my life. Makes sense, it's meant to keep you safe from harm, you don't go anywhere, you're traumatized. I think I even developed alters or splinters..they were negative obsessive thoughts that manifested into reality, somehow. It's hard to explain, and I'm just coming to understand this now.  I can't believe this has stopped me from living my life and devalued it, much less that I'm coming back around to reclaim it.... How could I have imagined any of this.

[Three Roses]

Dissociation and distancing are very familiar to me!

Here's a link to part one of the audio version of that book - https://youtu.be/EKjBM6MxTKg

I hope you check it out, it's been very helpful to me.

[Kizzie]

It sound like you are  getting in touch with the things you have avoided Eric - that's the way to recovery and healing so keep doing what you're doing 

[EricS]

I don't think I'll ever be okay, or right ever again. Too much time has passed, and I went through some horrible mind bending *, and came out haunted the other side. I didn't have the help I needed when I needed it.

I blame myself and wonder, how could I let this happen? It seemed like a small tear in the fabric of my life opened up to become all consuming, monstrosity.
I couldn't do anything..or perhaps I didn't.
What do I do now? What can I do. I am afraid of everything, girls, everything. Nothing turned out okay, minds twisted up. Life's a wreck, I'm gone somewhere and never have returned after I went through that experience, those experiences. I look completely normal, but I'm not.  There were so many of those experiences, I've never got help...and  suffered 17 long years. 17 years, its too long. I should just lay down and give up.

I'm a bombed out shelter of a human being. I can't even function, I don't see how I am ever getting better. Even if I heal, there's no way I'll get back what I lost or an uncorrupted imprint of me.

I wish I could've gotten help from trauma and stopped my mind from going into deeper and scarier things, further traumatizing me. ...how and why did that happen? If I'd had damage control, none of this would be happened. I tried

[EricS]

I don't think I'll ever be okay, or right ever again. Too much time has passed, and I went through some horrible mind bending *, and came out haunted the other side. I didn't have the help I needed when I needed it.

I blame myself and wonder, how could I let this happen? It seemed like a small tear in the fabric of my life opened up to become all consuming, monstrosity.
I couldn't do anything..or perhaps I didn't.
What do I do now? What can I do. I am afraid of everything, girls, everything. Nothing turned out okay, minds twisted up. Life's a wreck, I'm gone somewhere and never have returned after I went through that experience, those experiences. I look completely normal, but I'm not.  There were so many of those experiences, I've never got help...and  suffered 17 long years. 17 years, its too long. I should just lay down and give up.

I'm a bombed out shelter of a human being. I can't even function, I don't see how I am ever getting better. Even if I heal, there's no way I'll get back what I lost or an uncorrupted imprint of me.

I wish I could've gotten help from trauma and stopped my mind from going into deeper and scarier things, further traumatizing me. ...how and why did that happen? If I'd had damage control, none of this would be happened. I tried. I'm not the same anymore. I'm just not the same person anymore, I don't even know who I was.

What should I do.

[Candid]

I blame myself and wonder, how could I let this happen?

This is a universal reaction in PTSD-simple and CPTSD.  Something so horrifying, we go over and over how we might have contributed to it, because if we can make it our fault there's a chance we can prevent it ever happening again.  It's a healthy learning mechanism that goes haywire when it wasn't our fault, we were innocent, and there was nothing we could have done to prevent it.

Also. it's all too easy years down the track to think, I've understand now, I can see exactly what happened -- how could I have been so blind?  The answer is, we're always doing the best we know at the time.  When we know better, we do better.

The challenge now is to stop blaming yourself for what you couldn't control and didn't understand.  That's a colossal waste of energy that could be used to heal yourself.  You don't want more to regret in the future.

Welcome to our forum, Eric.  We're all helping each other along.