When i feel trapped i lash out -self harm TW -

[SunBear]

I keep hurting myself in the heat of the moment recently, especially if I feel trapped, uncontrollably punching, pinching, hair pulling, and I think its me coping with not cutting. I'm feeling really down, I find myself losing the will to keep going recently. I feel like a failure and there is no point in going to the doctors, because I'm probably not going to get better. An increase in medication will probably help, but its just getting so hard to get through the day.  I've reached out to my therapist to let her know before our session tomorrow but I've not had a reply yet so I thought I'd just post, but idk why. I don't know if it helps at the minute. Sorry if I've not used the board correctly.  My therapist mentioned an attachment disorder, could be something intertwined with everything else's. every time I get a step forward I feel like i'm taking steps back. Is it always up and down with therapy, will it always be like this?

Everything just feels grey and sad. 

[Blueberry]

every time I get a step forward I feel like i'm taking steps back. Is it always up and down with therapy, will it always be like this?

SunBear, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad atm. My experience is that it's often up and down with therapy, but it has levelled out over the years. The downs aren't so low or so prolonged anymore. Maybe even just a day, whereas ten years ago they might have gone on for months.

As far as my own experience goes and what I've heard from other people, there's often a shift to other forms of self-harm and/or addiction when we stop doing one. It's hard to channel all that energy that has been going into self-destruction into something positive all the time. Also the self-destruction and feelings of self-hate are often so deeply ingrained due to what our FOO told us over the years... All I can suggest is to try and self-soothe and tell yourself more positive things. Though that can be really hard, I know. "I feel like a failure but Blueberry and other people over at OOTS say I'm not."    Other people believing in me helped me at the beginning of my healing and over and over again on the route.

  Keep going, you're definitely worth it!

[Blackbird]

I don't know if it will always be like this, I surely hope not and my doctors seem to think that it won't. I'm yet to make that assessment, the ups and downs of therapy, like in any other sort of therapy even for those who just do it for the sake of therapy without any presenting too-troubling issue, has peaks and lows. I assume that in trauma therapy is just a tiny bit more "moody".

You'll overcome this, you're strong as I've seen in your other posts. This is just a low, it will get better.

Blueberry is absolutely right, you are worth it, very much so.

[Dee]

I don't have great words of advice, I could probably use some.  This is something I struggle with as well.  There are so many forms of self harm that span into addiction as well.  Every time I get one method under control, then I seem to just replace it.  I have ran through broken bones, cut, burned, purged.....  I've got the cutting, running, and burning under control right now.

I keep stop signs (that I've made) around my house to remind me.  I also have restaurant chalk markers and this past weekend I wrote on my mirrors to help.  I wrote positive affirmations such as "I can tolerate this."  It is so hard because it does provide short term relief, only with long term shame.

[Candid]

I think attachment disorder is part of CPTSD inflicted by primary caregivers. I have it too, and it leaves me feeling very alone in the world.

No sage words from me either, Sunbear, except to say I identify with everything in your post. My self-harm runs 'only' to coffee and cigarettes, which wind me up further. I feel trapped in my present circumstances, too.