Question

[Annegirl]

How can I move to a safe place when Im angry, how can I think about it while I'm triggered and step back, I always plan to do this when Im angry but I think maybe I was in a flashback but I smashed a window with my hand yesterday and i never want to do anything like that ever again.

[Rain]

Hi again, Annegirl.  I wrote a response on another post of yours.   Likely a Somatic Experiencing professional would have an answer on that.   

Is there someone that can help you out during this period of time?   

A friend that is there with you, that can brainstorm with you what you need, and how to have that happen?

[Annegirl]

Thank you so much again Rain, I wasn't sure where to post  My husband is being supportive now, but not until he'd totally ripped me apart with words, then he tried to make up for it. Thank G-d he's genuine and being loving now and apologised on his own accord.

[schrödinger's cat]

Yay!    I take back all the swearwords I thought about him.

This reminds me of something. It's a dynamic that happened in my own marriage: I was rather co-dependent at first, since I'm raised to be supportive and quiet even when my parents are being very difficult (let's leave it at that), and it's like that kind of behaviour encouraged my husband to behave in increasingly difficult ways. (And if I'm honest, so many books on marriages almost teach the wife to be co-dependent.) I've since stumbled upon websites about narcissists (a recurring theme on this forum), and apparently, if you grew up with PD parents, you may end up behaving in ways that almost make your SO or best friend behave in increasingly narcissist ways. Other people here will probably know more about this. But in my case, that kind of thing stopped when I told my husband he was being a jerk. So I'm now suspecting that he never even truly knew how upset I was?

[Annegirl]

First I laughed at you taking back your swear word thoughts, cracked me up a lot!
Wow SC once again so insightful!! you hit the nail on the head I remember one of the first times I rang my therapist I told her my husband was forcing me to do something, she said how is he forcing you? I said he will yell if i don't, she said, I am forcing myself by letting myself be forced (something like that) so I never 'allowed' him to force me anything ever again. And he tells me sometimes, since I met that therapist I changed and stopped respecting him, I said I still respect you even when I don't do as you say whenever it doesn't suit. Respecting and loving have nothing to do with obeying despite what our crazy parents told us.

[schrödinger's cat]

So he routinely yells at you? And thinks obedience = respect? Wow. I'd find that very difficult to live with. Honestly, I'm beginning to think you have to have a lot of self-control that it took you so long to smash anything. Not that smashing things is a good way of coping with stress, but... given those circumstances, a certain amount of tetchiness looks entirely justified.

[Annegirl]

Thanks so much for that, yes well, he does yell routinely, if not at me, then at the children, something I always stick up for them and make sure they see he shouldn't be yelling at them which usually makes him more mad.
i have never outright asked him if he believes respect= obedience, i will ask him tonight.
your english is excellent by the way, ausgezeichnet!