Hi -- New to forum and CPTSD

[asyouwish]

Hello everyone,

I've been lurking on the forum for a little while, reading a few posts and taking in a lot of information. I'm new to the idea of having Complex PTSD. I never related much to the symptoms of PTSD, but when I came across CPTSD, it all kind of fit.

So, a little about me, I guess. (Added: Turns out, A LOT about me.  )

I'm 28 years old, and single. I work a professional job by day and write fiction by night. I have a cat, Tassy, who keeps me company.

I had a really rough childhood, filled with emotional abuse from my mother, neglect from my father, and physical and emotional abuse from my older brother. Later, as I've come to realize recently, my high school sweetheart/only relationship was emotionally abusive as well. As it seems to be a common thing on here, I'm really struggling with whether it was really "that bad." My friends and treatment team give a resounding YES to that question, but I'm still having a hard time accepting it.

I won't go into details, mostly because I don't remember much from that period in my life, but also because it seems like pretty textbook standard emotional abuse. Name-calling, gaslighting, threats of violence or of abandonment, lack of boundaries, etc. I've been made to feel worthless, unlovable, and irreparably broken. I don't trust people. I don't have the ability to love and feel loved. I have so many amazing friends now -- my found family -- who are so supportive and who, intellectually, I know love me very much and I love them. But I don't feel it. When I talk about what happened to me, it's like I'm telling a story. I'm emotionless; I don't cry or anything. My therapist finds this very concerning.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my senior year of high school. I've been working hard on getting stable, and have been since about age 26. Brand new to me is the interaction between bipolar disorder and the affects of abuse. Separating the two has been a challenge, but also enlightening. So many of my "mood swings" have been CPTSD symptoms, not a bipolar episode. It's really amazing how much this realization has completely changed my world-view.

I first heard the term "complex trauma" when I was 20 and sent to a social worker after my psychiatrist found out I'd been molested as a child. I was in the throws of a really terrible, suicidal depression. The psychiatrist wasn't convinced it was bipolar, and the social worker saw me for a handful of sessions, then told me about complex trauma. I never went back. I was still living with my parents at the time (post-college, pre-job) and I just was not ready.

Soon after, I got a job about six hours away, moved out, and immediately got better. Stop self-harming, cheered up, the whole thing. (I still struggled with bipolar, and I went off work for several weeks a year or two in, but that's a separate thing.) Anyway, I've always had trouble sleeping so my doctor finally sent me to a specialist. I had a sleep test done, and this doctor told me my profile resembled those of the PTSD combat vets he treated. That was the second time someone brought up PTSD to me, and I ignored that, too. But, out of that, I got sent to the therapist I see now. That was about five years ago. We did CBT on my insomnia, and when that started to get better, she ventured to ask if I wanted to stay and talk about all the "family stuff" that I casually brought up during our sessions. I did not, and left. Obviously, I went back, but not for another year or so.

Through all that, I was still in contact with my parents, brother, and ex-boyfriend, and they were still shoveling on a healthy dose of abuse on a regular basis. When I started seeing my therapist again, I didn't tell them because they said I didn't need it, and it was a waste of money. I cut off contact with the ex-boyfriend soon after, because I was still completely in love with him, and needed to move on. (Haven't.) Then, it took her years to convince me, even a little, that I lived through abuse. Finally, in April of this year, I cut off contact with my parents and brother. My mother has not taken it well, and continues to attempt to contact me. I had listened to her voicemails and read her emails at first, but now I know to just delete them, unread.

VERY LONG STORY SHORT, I'm just starting to live a life without my abusers. (So weird to call them that.) I'm just starting on my path of self-discovery and healing. My therapist and found family have been incredibly patient with me, letting me come to this all in my own time. From this forum, I'm mostly looking for support, validation, and a sense of not being alone. I think I got a lot of that out of reading everyone else's posts in the forum so far, so I'm looking forward to interacting.

Totally new to this. Sorry this got so long (SO LONG) but it's been quite a journey. Having a name for it is simultaneously healing and terrifying. (It really was that bad!) It's amazing looking back on my life and seeing all the people that saw it so clearly before it even occurred to me. Even my boss knew I had some form of PTSD before I did. (She brought it up when I told her about cutting out my parents. Even a two months ago, I wasn't sure about the label.)

If you've read this far, thank you for being amazing and supportive already. I look forward to returning the favour.

Cheers!

[Three Roses]

Welcome, asyouwish! Sorry you've been through so much but I'm glad you're here.

Although the DSM does not differentiate PTSD & CPTSD, they are not the same. Many health care professionals, mental and physical, see them as the same thing. You may benefit from reading our section of downloads, http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

I look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks for joining.

[asyouwish]

Thanks for the welcome, Three Roses!

I'm glad I'm here, too. As I went on and on about, it's been a long journey to even just start. I'm reading a lot of C-PTSD and how it's different from PTSD. When I researched PTSD years ago upon the suggestion I might have it, I really didn't relate to the symptoms, so I brushed it off. I didn't know C-PTSD was a thing at the time. Reading about it now, it's so obvious! But I'm a firm believer in the idea that things come into your life when you're ready. Like I mentioned, someone brought up complex trauma eight years ago and I just wouldn't listen. (Not just that, I ran as fast I could in the other direction!)

Right now, I'm very angry about not having the childhood everyone deserves. Just being so angry that I was so ill (bipolar, self-harming, the abuse) and everything was so terrible and no one did a thing. Cutting out my family is still very fresh. Today being Father's Day is difficult. Not calling on Mother's Day was a challenge, for which I have since been called cruel. But it's just more of the same!

So, I'm learning. Thank you for the link. I'll peruse with interest!

See you around.

[Kizzie]

Hello asyouwish   and a very warm welcome to OOTS.  So glad you decided to risk making a post, the first one can be a little anxiety provoking        In my case it took a couple of months to finally feel comfortable enough to just write what I was thinking/feeling, and not spend a long time picking over every sentence.  You sound like you're ready to talk about things though so reading for a bit was obviously a good strategy. 

Today is a difficult day -- as are many holidays, for so many of us.  I  used to feel a sense of dread, sadness and anger in the past so I can relate to how you're feeling as I'm sure a lot of members can.  By talking here I  have come to feel more open about not having any reason to celebrate, and that has been so validating.  It used to be I would just try and get through holidays, grit my teeth and stuff down all the inevitable emotions they raised.  Somehow acknowledging how I really feel, looking at the reasons why, and talking about it here has helped enormously.  I have enough  emotional space now to make holidays about me and my family.

I hope by being here and posting that will happen for you as well 

[asyouwish]

Hey Kizzie --

Thanks for the welcome! I feel bad about my first post. After I posted it, I found someone asking people not to make long posts, and my introduction post is very long! Oops. I'll try to keep this in mind, but I am very wordy haha

I only just discovered CPTSD, but I've been on the "emotionally abused" bandwagon for a while. My therapist and I have worked together for about five years now, and I'm only just now starting to see what my childhood for what it was. (But, still, I can't accept it was "that bad." It just seems normal.) I think I'm ready to talk about it now. I've been talking about what happened for a while, telling my friends stories like I was recounting some TV show. Not that my friends haven't been incredibly supportive and amazing, I'm just eager to talk to people who have similar experiences and who can really relate. My therapist encouraged me to find a support group.

The holidays are so hard, all of them. Now that I'm truly zero contact with my family, it's even worse. I'd like to get to the point you describe, of having no reason to celebrate and feeling validated about it. I have an amazing found family of close friends, however, I'm still single and live alone. My friends can only do so much, since they all have families of their own. I'll occasionally spend Christmas or so with them, but I feel like an intruder. The weekends and holidays are hard. It's hard coming home to an empty house every day, feeling like you deserve that and it'll never change. Anyway, that's a topic for a different post, I guess.

I've seen you post around as a moderator or so. I've been poking around the forum, reading people's posts and replies. Is it okay if I just start my own? I'm a little nervous to pop in somewhere. I cautiously read some of the Recovery Journals. Can anyone start one of those? I love to write, and my therapist says journaling is important. It might be interesting to do it a bit more publicly, with some support.

Thanks again! I'm feeling very welcome.

[woodsgnome]

 

"asyouwish", I found your story touching, well-written, and sensed a necessary compulsion to what you needed to say. So I wouldn't worry about its length at all. You felt you had to say what you did, and it was what was needed. Many times it seems this forum is the only outlet for our deepest feelings; where we can be confident there are others who've been down this long and dreary road; who can at least support, and possibly lend some help.

Sometimes we can summarize better, but other times it doesn't seem to flow right until the words add up. Posts aren't writing contests, they're more like heartfelt conversations, so their length can vary. That said, a lot of people choose to "get it out" via their recovery journals--where the focus is more of an extended one-way conversation with self; whereas the back/forth discussions relating to certain topics characterize the bulk of most day's posts. I think both can coexist on a forum whose main goal is to help people maneuver through the layers of pain and grief associated with cptsd's aftermath.

My own online journal strays a bit towards the philosophical and reflective side, I think; but it's my nature, so I feel okay with knowing it isn't how everyone would approach it. I've found that I kind of end up with 2 journals--one private with personal details sometimes too hard to explain fully; and the more overview sort I've chosen for when I venture into the recovery journal entries. Apropos, perhaps, as I regard eagles with esteem, and view the journal as a flight into the overview of where my soul and psyche are at any given point.

At any rate, I just wanted to share a little of this, as there isn't really a right/wrong way; other than the observing the practical civility rules which are worth reading in the posting guidelines. Mostly, I just wanted to welcome you aboard...and hope you'll feel free to "pop in anywhere" you feel drawn to add your voice--topics come and go, and in a community of this sort the ebb and flow can add to the healing we all need. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, asyouwish, (one of my favorite movies, by the by),

so glad you made it here.  this has been life-changing for me, finding support and kindness at every turn.  and, yes, absolutely, just go ahead and start a thread of your own, start your own recovery journal, and you're welcome to pop in on any topic that someone else started that speaks to you as well.

everyone's perspective and perception is valuable here - yours is no exception.  looking forward to hearing more from you as you feel comfortable doing so. 

[asyouwish]

Thanks for the welcome, woodsgnome and sanmagic7!

I'm glad my post wasn't too long for people to read. I just find it so interesting how long it took me to get to this point, after everyone in my post-abuse life doing everything except shaking me by the shoulders and saying, "Your childhood wasn't normal! You need help!" I just read an old post by someone asking straight out, "Was this abuse?" and I just want to hug them. I know the confusion. I'm still not convinced, but I'm choosing to believe in the people that care about me. It was bad enough. The fact I have C-PTSD is all the proof I should need, you know? But, well, you know.

Thank you both for your encouragement for me to participate. I'm encouraged and a little terrified after spending the day cruising the site. It makes me sad there are so many of us here. We all deserved so much better.

I'm going to start a Recovery Journal. I'm learning so much about C-PTSD and myself, I need a place to get all that down. I've been texting my friends furiously today with all the things I'm uncovering, but I can't burden them with everything. They're here for me always, I know, but this is heavy stuff and they're going through their own stuff as well. But I'm the kind of person that needs to just get it out, and this -- especially in a place that's mine and doesn't require response or anything -- seems like the perfect place.

So glad to have found this place! When I was first diagnosed with bipolar at 17, the first thing I did was find a forum. I outgrew it pretty quickly, but the feeling of not being alone was very helpful. I definitely read the forum etiquette posts, too, and will try to keep it on the shorter side. (Mom always said I had a mouth on me.)

Sanmagic7 -- It's my favourite movie! I watch it several times a year. Sometimes it's the only thing to make me feel better.

See you around!

[sanmagic7]

i've had that experience of watching movies over and over for soothing and comfort.  2 of my main ones were 'muriel's wedding' and 'strictly ballroom'.  both australian movies, both so cool and enjoyable.  i love movies in general, and some of my best times are watching them, either at home or the theater.  i'm looking forward to 'wonder woman' - hope to see it at a theater.  it looks like it would be great on the big screen.

funny how different types of stimulation or repetition can work on us at different times in our lives.  so glad you're here.   hugs.

[TinyRhino]

Hi, welcome.
I'm brand new to this forum as of today but I appreciate your post, especially because we have some similarities. I'm 29, F, single. My diagnosis is PTSD but I always knew that it didn't quite fit- I didn't hear of C-PTSD until today and it fits much much better. I have not added an introductory post with any background info; just browsing. But I look forward to hearing more of your story.
Thanks for sharing!

[Candid]

From one writer to another, welcome aboard asyouwish!

Your history is eerily similar to mine. Most obvious difference is in our ages; I'm more than twice as old. But I 'ignored' a whole mess of warning signs, internalised the abuse (mostly the insidious covert kind) and still at this ripe old age have trouble referring to 'abusers'. I was 26 when I met my first counsellor and she immediately saw how abusive my mother had always been. It was a helluva shock to me when this wonderful woman pointed that out to me in a way I could no longer deny it. Then my avoidance and the questions I asked my mother made my FOO blow up. I agree with you, it's downright cruel for a mother to mess up her own child emotionally.

I envy you your family of choice and the fact that you've got your eyes open when you can still do something about it and have a great life. The internet killed my career as a journalist but it's a fabulous tool and I heartily wish I'd had this level of support decades earlier. By the way, CPTSD still isn't formally recognised so you were very lucky to get a diagnosis.

TinyRhino, welcome to you, too. You're both going to love it here.

[Manda]

Hello As You Wish,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm new to all this and was very glad to read something written by someone brave enough to tell their truth. Good Luck on your path wherever it may lead.

Best Wishes,
Manda