Should I say something?

[songbirdrosa]

For most of my life, and still to this day, I've been a very private person. Keeping my struggles to myself and trying to maintain the illusion of strength and resilience. But now, having dived back into the long buried horrors of my past, I'm seeing just how isolated all this nondisclosure has made me. Not a single person among my family or friends knows everything that I've been through, and it's making it increasingly difficult to communicate my needs and recovery. Especially to my mother. She is very derisive of me and scoffs when I try to explain things while still dodging uncomfortable topics. I know now that she doesn't have the right to know everything, but it almost seems like that's the only way to make her see. Worse still, she's always bringing up the subject of my eldest brother, and asking if I've been talking to him at all.

I suppose what I'm getting at is this: I don't know if I should address these concerns with her or not. I've even considered the possibility of getting her to come to one of my therapy sessions, but I'm sure that my psych would say that's just me infantilising myself by trying to change her to protect me. And then there's my brother. She doesn't know what he did to me, and I know that telling her would completely shatter everything. But I'm getting closer to feeling that I need to, in order to truly be free of it. I don't want to be the source of a cataclysm like that, but I can't see a way around it. I kept it a secret because of my own shame, and to protect him. Now I see that the shame isn't mine to bear, and he doesn't deserve my protection.

So the summarised version is this. I want to talk to my mother about her own poor behaviour towards me, and about the crimes perpetrated against me by my brother, but I'm scared to make waves. This is going to be harder than I thought.

[Blueberry]

Been there, done that, and it didn't help me. Sad to say, our FOOs would have noticed years ago, if they'd wanted to. Or if they did notice, then change that to: they would've helped us then, if they'd wanted to / seen a need to.

For a long time I even believed my FOO was different, didn't fit the norm, but it does unfortunately. Very painful realisation that was, twice actually. Yes, I really was that hopeful.

I've been helped on here by others saying: "Don't send that letter, you are going to get hurt again." It's better to get rid of our feelings by writing them out here, where we do get validation generally from at least one or two people, maybe even from a whole lot more. Instead of a bunch of denial and / or recriminations from FOO: you are too sensitive, it was all your fault anyway, you are so stupid... Whatever. They have their excuses.

[clarity]

Songbird this is tough... the urge to share and be validated and connect and be honest and be on the same page.. even if the page is a big dirty smudge...these are our strengths, our true selves of courage wanting to express....but these are the Wrong People to do it with, despite what our social conditioning tells us about 'famileee'.... we are lumbered with that fairytale bullpoop and it pulls us towards them like moths to a flame.

So I agree with blueberry on this... turn away from that flame!  and try to see it for what it is...just a source of more ouch. It sucks but there is your real tribe waiting both here and out there somewhere, when you turn around... with their open hearts and non judgemental supportive minds.  Rooting for you even though we never met....and this is surely the long lost true template of our soul family...

Hugs to you 

[songbirdrosa]

Thanks for you words, it definitely helped with seeing things a little clearer. I hand wrote a really long letter last night, just to purge all the anger that was building up. I'll probably just keep it for myself, though. Might show my psychologist at some stage.

[Candid]

Sounds like you've arrived at a solution, but I wanted to point out that your feelings are your best guide. I can understand wanting to express your anger to your mother, but if you have to soften it because you're afraid of the consequences, it's more likely to cause more harm than make you feel better.

Perhaps you can role-play it with your T and have her validate your anger. Mother is far more likely to come up with excuses or outright gaslighting.

[Dee]

I too have kept secrets and they are a huge burden.  In therapy we have been addressing the issue of secrets.  To be sure they are like a prison.  Secrets keep me trapped in shame and keep me isolated.  They keep me feeling like that child that cannot tell. 

If confronting your mom will help you, then make a plan.  Talk about it with your T and do it well thought out.  Just manage your expectations.  It is unlikely she will change or even support you.  Be prepared to be blamed (in an effort to protect herself).  If you know that and are ready it could be a really healthy step.  Still, I would strongly urge that you do this carefully and with the support of a therapist.

When I was inpatient one of the T said "secrets kill."  I totally, totally understood that.  They are a darkness that keeps the light from coming through.