Shame - a few questions

[sigiriuk]

Hi everyone
Shame seems an umbrella term for lots of feelings.
I originally thought shame was like "hanging my head in shame". But now it seems much much more to me.
I wondered if other people were able to share their thoughts and experiences.

To me shame is chaos at the centre of my being. A type of poison.
It is the feeling of unworthiness, self-hatred, and undeservedness.
It is also that desire to push away healing, hope, love, fortune, intimacy and  happiness.

Heavy stuff, I know...but I hope to find out if I have got it wrong:  is it one feeling, or a group of feelings?
Just dont trust my own judgement

Slim

[asyouwish]

Hey Slim --

I think it's a group of feelings for sure.

Have you heard of Brené Brown? She's literally a shame researcher. She's done some pretty powerful TED Talks on the power of vulnerability and the dangers of shame. It's really worth watching, especially if shame is something you're interested in/feeling/wanting to conquer. (I'm going to see if I can find some links, if work will let me.)

https://www.ted.com/speakers/brene_brown

That's her link on the TEDTalks website. Her two talks are: The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame. They're excellent. I've listened to the vulnerability one several times, as I struggle really hard with that one. She also has a book DARING GREATLY that I haven't read but has been on my list forever.

Anyway, I hope that helps you with your questions, or at least lets you know you are 100% not alone in any of this.

[sigiriuk]

Thank you asyouwish
I have now watched one of Brene Brown's ted talks, and she explains it really clearly. I liked the distinction between vulnerability and weakness - it resonated with me.
I find managing my shame to be the hardest, most bleak thing I have had to do in my recovery so far, so getting as much feedback from yourself, and others who share, helps me to make sense of it. In a simple and clear way.
Slim 

[writetolife]

My T told me to watch those ted talks and I totally forgot.  Well, it's not going to happen tonight; I'm way too emotionally fragile after therapy today.

For me, Shame is a sense of having to hide myself because others might not like what they see.  It's a sense of isolation.  I'm different than other people or unacceptable in my true form, so I have to cover something up before people abandon me.  And yes, I think it often comes down to abandonment for me.  I feel shame over anything that could even remotely contribute to being emotionally or physically abandoned. 

[Dee]

Shame has been debilitating to me.  It prevents me from talking about things that would help if I could talk about.  On the few occasions I have shared I am unable to look at anyone for the rest of the day.  Shame has kept me locked in a prison of secrets.  It has kept me from opening up to my kids and standing up for myself.  I am working on seeing and being seen.  On putting shame where it belongs.  I am just starting to read Brene Brown's book, I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't).

I have felt shame wash over me, hit like a truck.  I was asked a question once and before I knew what was happening my head went down and eyes hit the floor.  It just flooded me.  After a situation like that it takes everything I have to look up.  I think shame is a core feeling.

[sigiriuk]

I agree, Dee - Shame definitely comes in waves.

Shame is like a poisonous person  who turns my normal feelings backwards -
Isolates me
Makes me keep quiet.
Makes me I am different and weird (like writetolife described)
Tells me i dont deserve/ haven't earned mastery over shame.
Tells me I am worthless, and undeserving.
Makes me feel uncomfortable around healing, love, intimacy, and kindness.
Makes me hate myself, and reject good caring feelings.
Makes me feel tingly down below (for those who don't know - being physically aroused is a out of conscious control) - a serious effect of my preverbal childhood sexual abuse.
Leaves me angry and confused.
Slim