Longtime Survivor, New to C-PTSD (TW: sexual assault)

[PDXKana]

Man, I haven't used Forums in years since I started using FB and all. But here I am.

My name is A***** (due to a stalker mentioned below), but refer to me as Kana from my username, that's fine. There's a story behind using her name. The short version is that she's the main character in one of my manuscripts and the one that helped me realize I needed to make a major shift in how I dealt with the cause of my C-PTSD.

I don't know if I can explain everything, but the quick breakdown is this:
I was sexually assaulted by four different men, one at 17, two at 19, and then repeated assaults by my [unmentionable words] ex boyfriend at 21. I went through therapy several rounds and dealt with the assaults, but it never sunk in that I had a form of PTSD until last November. A male friend of mine and I were have a private conversation that turned a little uncomfortable (which, if you knew me, takes a lot to accomplish), and then a physical touch that, while not inherently sexual between us, gave me flashbacks to when I was 21... now nearly 23 years ago.

I'm looking at starting a local support group, with the encouragement of both my primary doctor and my therapist. Actually starting one. From nothing. I tend to hesitate taking on leadership roles unless others around me flake out and I just naturally end up there.

Setting that aside, I'm still trying to grapple how to deal with my C-PTSD. While I'm sort of an "old hat" at all the crud my ex has put me through (starting in 1998, he has been cyberstalking me, still doing searches for my name even this calendar year, despite being married with a family... don't ask how I know he is... I just know he is), dealing with C-PTSD is a whole different ballgame. The only thing I've been able to accomplish is setting boundaries for my male friends (and even some female) when it comes to any sort of touch, even hugging. They must ask permission. There's only maybe two or three who get a pass, as I can sense their energy is calming and compassionate. (I'm also an Empath, so I sense a lot of emotions.)

I'm struggling to finish grad school. The trigger event last November shoved me down a rabbit hole of severe depression and feeling immobile. I've since lost my apartment, one of my two cats, am staying with friends, have re-injured my back, etc, etc. School is on hold until I can figure some financial things out. And this rabbit hole really grabbed me that weekend with the triggering event. I don't blame that friend at all.

In other things, I am a writer, web geek, archives and history nut, costumer/cosplayer, photographer.... lots and lots of things.

My hope is that I can find some guidance in my own process as well as figuring out the whole "establishing a local support group" thing.

Thanks,
Kana

[Dee]

Welcome.  Being on the forum is very much like being in a support group.  I feel the added benefit is sometimes it is easier to write things then speak them.  I hope you find this place as safe, validating, and supporting as I do. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Kana, welcome to OOTS. 

You are welcome to use your real first name, but given you do have a stalker it might be an idea to keep things anonymous.  If you want to take out your name just click on the blue "Actions" button top right and then use the "Modify" button. There are some other suggestions regarding safety/privacy in our Member Guidelines here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0.

I would love to hear if you do start a support group.  There are some materials here if you're interested - http://www.ascasupport.org/. 

Kizzie

[PDXKana]

Thank you both for the welcome.

He typically searches for my full legal name, but I've removed my first name anyway. I use aliases everywhere online because of him. Even my FB.

I normally prefer online interaction more, but sometimes the personal connection face to face is also helpful. It would be strictly non-clinical as I do not have the training, but both my MD and my therapist are encouraging me. If I have to take a step back at some point, my hope is that I'll have someone there I trust enough to take over the reins.

I'm at a point where contact from him, or the knowledge that he's trying, doesn't cripple me. That's because of the character of Kana in my manuscript. She was angry at having to constantly look over her shoulder and live in fear. Her transformation from that angry young woman at the start to the confident, feisty woman who handles anything and everything put in her path gave me that courage to take control. It's no longer HIS game and HIS rules... it's MY game and MY rules. If he makes contact, I refuse to back down. I still look, but I'm no longer that angry, fearful person.

I think because I'm at that point in dealing with him, that's why my therapist and others are encouraging me to form a support group. I've gone through so many stages. I'm no longer afraid. If I were, I wouldn't be able to stand up for myself and do something like form a support group.

Kana

[Kizzie]

   that you have taken your anger and turned it into self-protection and strong boundaries Kana. 

[Dee]

I was really impressed how you wrote you are in control and it is no longer his game, his rules.

That is so much easier said than done.  I can appreciate the courage that takes.