Help!

[toddwebley]

Hi folks
I'm new here. So excuse my ignorance of what has gone before.
I believe I have C-PTSD.
Long story short, I had an aggressive narcissistic parent who taught me to be a victim. I was bullied at school and bullied at home. Up to the age of about 14 I was in fear. But I didn't know that wasn't normal. I thought all kids had to do that. In my 20s I was good. Happy actually as I spent most of that decade drunk. But after that I married a borderline personality disorder. She good now but was real bad for about 10 years. I have avoidant personality disorder and have suffered anxiety attacks since late teens. But they were different to other peoples attacks. Anxiety is fear of the future, all my attacks were relating to my past. I am 50 now and have only just began to understand them. I think I have C-PTSD.

I went to the doc about 7 years ago. He sent me to a psychologist. Who was dangerously bad. I saw him for over a year and got more and more angry and confused. Then he lied to me and threw me out.

The doc gave me zoloft. Which works very well. For two weeks. I need a much higher dose but he wont give it to me. Says I have to see a specialist first, but I refuse to see another one after the last disaster.

So... I guess I'm just looking for advice. What do I do?

Todd

[Candid]

Hello, there!    I'm glad you've found our forum.

First things first.  If that's your real name, you may want to consider changing it.  This forum is open to the world.  My H isn't signed up but he can easily access all my posts by clicking on my name -- which is okay, but you never know who else might stumble across you.

I believe I have C-PTSD.

I believe you do, too.

I wouldn't be so quick with the personality disorder.  Avoidance of other people is part and parcel of CPTSD.  You were bullied at school and at home, which was your whole world at the time.  It's natural (and almost universal in CPTSD) to extrapolate from that into believing nobody is safe company for us.

I married a borderline personality disorder. She good now but was real bad for about 10 years.

Again, was that an official diagnosis?  And if it was, is it to be trusted? We have a great mentor here in a cove called Pete Walker.  His book is called CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.  Here's what he has to say:
Renowned traumatologist, John Briere, is said to have quipped that if Complex PTSD were ever given its due – that is, if the role of dysfunctional parenting in adult psychological disorders was ever fully recognized, the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by all mental health professionals) would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet.

~ http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

IOW, CPTSD is very commonly misdiagnosed.  It isn't even formally recognised as distinct from PTSD-simple, although I understand DSM amendment is on its way.  It's my understanding that people with any kind of PD can't and/or don't change -- not a diagnosis I would accept for myself.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with the psychologist. Again, that seems to be a common experience on our forum.  I wonder what your doc means by "a specialist"?  Sounds like a psychiatrist, if it's someone who can write a prescription.  May I ask how much Zoloft you've been taking?

Stay with us, my friend.  You have lots of company here. 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Todd!

In addition to what Candid has said, we have a Downloads section so that you can print info to take with you to health care appointments. The best way to get trauma-informed care is to have accurate, up to date info yourself.
http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Thanks for joining!

[toddwebley]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it as I cant talk to anyone else about this stuff.

My name is untraceable. But good call

With regards to mine and my wife's personality disorders, I have been studying psychology in an amateur way for about 10 years. My useless psychologist told me I had a personality disorder but when i asked for more info he refused to tell me. He believed in a sort of Buddhist karma kind of treatment where if I completely accepted my problems they would go away, and my interest in learning about them was stopping that working. I told him I was an engineer, I need to know how everything works. You can only fix something if you know how it works. That's how I work. But he didn't.

I may be many things (worthless, a disappointment, an embarrassment etc etc) but I am not stupid. I can read research and understand. I spent a lot of time researching personality disorders and I have no doubt that I have avoidant personality disorder. Maybe it is caused or exacerbated by other things, but it is still present none the less. And my wifes borderline PD is also very obvious. But she has got that under control in recently. We haven't had a aggressive outburst for 3 years. Which is great, but the stress of dealing with that has obviously worsened my C-PTSD.

I was on 100mg seretraline. It works for a couple of weeks and then stops. Others I have read about with similar symptoms take 200 to 250mg a day.  Its fantastic when it works. Not only do I become normal. I actually forget that I was ever any other way. Memory is part of your mind after all and mind altering drugs alter memories as well.

Memory is a big thing to me. My short term memory is terrible and on zoloft it improves noticeably. Zoloft also allows me to pick and chose my memories. At the moment I deliberately don't try to remember anything about my past as it leads me to remember something I did or said that I regret and that triggers anxiety attacks. If anxiety is the correct word for them. They are more physical that psychological. On zoloft I can remember the good things that happened and laugh. It gives me back my past.

anyhow, enough of my waffle. thanks for reading.

[mimi26]

I am new here as well.    You are not worthless, a disappointment, an embarrassment, or any of those other horrible things you have been told that you are.    We are all worthy.     Someone just hurt you in a way that was not okay.    But know you are not alone, and you are worthy.   

[Candid]