Finding closure without justice (Trigger Warning)

[SoulSurvivor76]

Trigger Warning - Sexual Abuse

I am 41 and although my nightmare of a childhood was made somewhat more livable when I was placed into states custody at age 14, I still experience intense feelings of betrayal, loss, anger and injustice. After I pressed formal charges against 2 of my abusers at age 27; only to be denied justice because one was terminally ill; the other a juvenile at the time of the abuse, I have found it harder and harder to let go of my hurt and move past it. 

I've been on medication off & on for 25+ years, regularly for 5, and I manage to be a good mother to my teenage daughter.  Lately, however, I find myself reliving the abuse, in flashbacks caused by countless triggers and I harbor a deep seeded, almost fanatical belief that I have been victimized repeatedly, not only my abusers; but by the courts, society & my own mother & sisters. I strongly feel that in the case of one abuser, my former step-brother (2 years older), justice was denied to me and I cannot accept it. Knowing that he claims innocence, and tells people that the rapes he forced on me from age 11-14 were 'consentual' (he cites the fact that he was never prosecuted for the charges i filed against him, even though he was also told it was because he was a minor at the time of the abuses) truly sparks a rage inside of my very core that cannot be put into words.

I have worked diligently to overcome the physical acts themselves, to empower myself and learned to control my emotions for the most parts....But I really cannot let this go.  I have closure in regards to the sex abuse against me by my former step-father; he died of testicular cancer soon after I pressed criminal charges against him. The uncle who molested me when I was 9 admitted to it, repented and still attends groups for offenders some 30 years after the abuse occured------again, I have closure.

In the case of my former step- brother however; I not only fear that I will never have closure & therefore, I will never heal from the abuse I suffered at his hands but I also feel as if he is victimizing me again, every time he denies it and says I was a willing participant.... I think this is what disgusts and angers me the most.  Its not just the injustice of it that eats at me constantly; its the fact that i have never been allowed to confront him in person and call him the lying, sadistic pervert rapist that he is to his face.  As trivial as that may seem, I truly believe that confronted & calling him out would give me the closure & healing I want & need so deeply within my spirit. But since I dont trust myself to do it on my own, in this one case of my stolen innocence I am stuck.  If anyone has any feedback that may he helpful, please feel free to share....Thank you in advance.

[Dee]

Closure works in different ways for different people.  My dad was prosecuted and served his time.  I never felt closure.  I felt persecuted by my family.  My dad confessed and pled guilty.  I never had my day in court, maybe that would have made a difference?  I never even talked about what happened.  When my dad confessed I just verified his confession.  I am just now starting to talk about it, at 43.  My dad confessed when I was 17; I was 18 by the time he went to prison.  I hope that maybe speaking it, trying to get out from under the weighted blanket of shame, placing guilt where it belongs will bring me closure.  I for one know I have been victimized by my sister and mother.  If there is some recipe for closure I would love to know it.

Have you ever wrote letters that you don't intend to send?  Or maybe even decide to send them?  Just a thought, that I feel you have probably considered this.  I am sorry that I don't have more to offer.  Just that I understand the feeling of not having closure.

[sanmagic7]

i, also, know the feeling of not having closure, and as far as i'm concerned, it sucks.  however, i don't know that any confrontation i might participate in would give me the kind of closure i want.

i say this because when i have attempted to confront, i've been argued down, and i couldn't think of a response that would feel good and right.  the others are too quick-minded for me, always have had a rebuttal or defense that i couldn't keep up with.  i always felt like i came out on the short end, again.

i've given up the idea of closure.  those people have torn my life apart, both physically and emotionally, and there's nothing that could be said or done now that would give me satisfaction or contentment.  i've thought about all the victims of abuse who have never gotten closure and have lived through that, and decided that it's something i will just have to power through.  that's the best i can do.  i wish i could be of more help. 

[radical]

I'm so sorry all of this happened to you.  I know the torment of burning up with the injustice of meeting further abuse through trying to get justice and acknowledgement of the harm done.  I know about the flashbacks that go with it, and not being able to let it go.  I felt that the harder I tried to do the right thing the more harm was done to me, I was severely punished for speaking out, I found that the hardest thing to bear.

I have found it valuable to dig into my anger and find the sorrow, not because anger isn't justified, but because there is usually a mountain of pain below that is trying to find a voice, that needs to be acknowledged.  It hurts like *, but there is a degree of peace to be found in that pain.

Know that every person who speaks helps every other former and current victim, and that the community-wide denial is chipped away at collectively over time, and doing the work matters because nothing will ever change if we all stay silent.  I thank you for what you've done, and I can only acknowledge the injustice of the price you been made to pay in doing so. It makes you doubly heroic, in my book.