i KNEW i wasn't crazy...

[reverie]

hey, what's up.....not sure what to say, never was one for first posts on things.  I guess, what would be really awesome is if you guys told me that this is actually happening.  that lady IS that horrible, she really DOES like it when i'm sad or upset or angry.  if i make her angry, she really DOES punish me for it somehow.  she actually has made everyone in my immediate family think i am so crazy and that the terrible tension that permeates this house is MY fault, so now none of them talk to me.  at family functions, i am literally ignored, its like i'm not there...unless i go off somewhere, being of course hurt and mystified by this treatment.  then from where ever i've escaped to, i hear "where's katie?" "where's katie?" and then i sigh and wipe my tears and go back to where everyone else is.  they will just come looking for me if i don't go back.  "oh there she is"...i become furniture again. 

i feel like i can't do anything right.  i feel like i literally can't DO anything.  "you're an unfit mother" "you're useless"  "you can't do anything"  [incerpt  anything bad a person could possibly feel]

i am not an adult.  i am not a person.  i am not really allowed to parent my own children.  i have to do what that lady says literally "or else".  i am always wrong.  she is always right.  blah blah blah...you guys know this whole deal i'm sure.

i've just started to realize that i am NOT in fact crazy.  what occurs around me and to me SOUND insane when i write them down but its still actually happening.  its really happening,  guys.  but it doesn't matter that i realize this.  no one else in my family would believe me, ever.  no one else at all would believe me, ever.

sorry, my thoughts are never very focused but i try.  i am 35 years old.  i have two of the best children there could ever be.  i had to move back in with my parents ten years ago when i was pregnant with my son.  i don't know why, but i thought it would be good.  wouldn't be for long.  i'd save money and move out....okay i'm not doing the back story thing lol, its too much.  lemme try to use short sentences so that i can't ramble.

nevermind, i feel stupid now anyway...i know that i don't have to, but i do.  if someone could just talk to me...about anything really, but this specifically would be nice lol....i know i am not crazy but i still feel like i am.  i know i need to get away from this house but it seems impossible right now...if it were just me, i already gave up, wouldn't be here, etc. melodrama etc....but i have to save my babies.  i refuse to let that lady or my sister get them.

yeah, i'm gonna stop talking now.  advice?  secret coping skills?  a joke that makes me laugh?  hit me back!

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! I'm glad you're here.

Everything you said makes perfect sense. There's a name for the symptoms you're having, a name for the feelings, and for that type of abuse.

Don't feel like you have to give us any details that you don't want to - "Back stories" are 100% voluntary.

There is a ton of advice, coping skills, lots of little and big things that can be done to make your life better. Stick around, jump into threads and ask questions. We'll help the best we can. Thanks for joining!

[Candid]

no one else in my family would believe me, ever.  no one else at all would believe me, ever.

We'll believe you here, reverie.

i know i need to get away from this house but it seems impossible right now...if it were just me, i already gave up, wouldn't be here, etc. melodrama etc....but i have to save my babies.

I hear you on the need to get out. Day by day doing the best we can, right? 

i refuse to let that lady or my sister get them.

Not to be flippant, but "that's no lady, that's your mother" (or possibly step-?). I have one of those too, as well as an... err,
untrustworthy sister.

secret coping skills?  a joke that makes me laugh? 

All in good time, fellow traveller. You're going to love it here.

Just a thought, in case your technology is any way vulnerable to cohabitants of malicious intent: you can edit your post to remove your real name if you want to. Actions/modify.

[Kat]

Hey, Reverie!  Welcome.  I've got a "lady" like yours--my biological mom--but we do not speak any longer.  For me, I've got older sisters who can corroborate her crazy behaviors, but somehow still fail to see how bad it/she was and that it had any effect whatsoever on any of us.  It's a different kind of being shunned. 

I'm glad you found us.  Keep writing.  Keep speaking your truth. 

Joke:  What did the fish say when it swam into a cement wall?  Dam.

[reverie]

first of all, kat...dying lol, at that joke.  i love ones like that .

and thank you, all of you...i have no words for how much YOUR words mean to me.  i am excited (i even FEEL excited, its amazing) to read and learn and help if i can.  i'm laughing at myself, trying to come up with sentences that can properly convey how i feel right now.  but i'm gonna guess that you guys probably already know, and let it go.

this is something i've needed for so long.

real quick, before i ramble....that lady is biological and i prefer not give her the honor of being called who and what she was supposed to be.  (i need to work on my bitterness.)  also, i have no problem sharing my back story at all, it would just take so-o-o-o long to type.

so, yay!  this is my happy face...

[Kat]

I'm not sure who started it, but my sisters and I referred to our mother by her first name starting pretty early on.  I don't think we understood the reasons, we just sort of thought it was funny.  In hindsight, it's very clear why we stopped calling her mom.

Glad you liked the joke and that you found this site.  I look forward to learning more about you. 

[Candid]

I understand the excitement, reverie. It's like you were alone in the jungle, injured, unsheltered and knowing that at any moment you could be set upon by wild animals again... then you stumbled on a lost tribe who turned out to be biologically unrelated to each other but had all found this place and added to its value. The focus is on safety, recovery and friendship. Many of our back stories and current troubles are eerily similar. You're not alone with it any more.

that lady is biological and i prefer not give her the honor of being called who and what she was supposed to be.

Indeed. The title is a job description vaguely delineated in nauseating greeting cards, sentimental movies, poetry and song. The role clearly doesn't suit all those who take it up. I had to sack mine decades ago.

(i need to work on my bitterness.)

How about reframing it as righteous anger?   

[reverie]

i love righteous anger.

you guys are my favorite.

not having the best time right now, gonna look around a bit more.  just knowing i "found my tribe" is helpful. 

[Salsera]

hey, what's up.....not sure what to say, never was one for first posts on things.  I guess, what would be really awesome is if you guys told me that this is actually happening.  that lady IS that horrible, she really DOES like it when i'm sad or upset or angry.  if i make her angry, she really DOES punish me for it somehow.  she actually has made everyone in my immediate family think i am so crazy and that the terrible tension that permeates this house is MY fault, so now none of them talk to me.  at family functions, i am literally ignored, its like i'm not there...unless i go off somewhere, being of course hurt and mystified by this treatment.  then from where ever i've escaped to, i hear "where's katie?" "where's katie?" and then i sigh and wipe my tears and go back to where everyone else is.  they will just come looking for me if i don't go back.  "oh there she is"...i become furniture again. 

i feel like i can't do anything right.  i feel like i literally can't DO anything.  "you're an unfit mother" "you're useless"  "you can't do anything"  [incerpt  anything bad a person could possibly feel]

i am not an adult.  i am not a person.  i am not really allowed to parent my own children.  i have to do what that lady says literally "or else".  i am always wrong.  she is always right.  blah blah blah...you guys know this whole deal i'm sure.

i've just started to realize that i am NOT in fact crazy.  what occurs around me and to me SOUND insane when i write them down but its still actually happening.  its really happening,  guys.  but it doesn't matter that i realize this.  no one else in my family would believe me, ever.  no one else at all would believe me, ever.

sorry, my thoughts are never very focused but i try.  i am 35 years old.  i have two of the best children there could ever be.  i had to move back in with my parents ten years ago when i was pregnant with my son.  i don't know why, but i thought it would be good.  wouldn't be for long.  i'd save money and move out....okay i'm not doing the back story thing lol, its too much.  lemme try to use short sentences so that i can't ramble.

nevermind, i feel stupid now anyway...i know that i don't have to, but i do.  if someone could just talk to me...about anything really, but this specifically would be nice lol....i know i am not crazy but i still feel like i am.  i know i need to get away from this house but it seems impossible right now...if it were just me, i already gave up, wouldn't be here, etc. melodrama etc....but i have to save my babies.  i refuse to let that lady or my sister get them.

yeah, i'm gonna stop talking now.  advice?  secret coping skills?  a joke that makes me laugh?  hit me back!

I believe you. I get it. And, I believe that you are not crazy. You know the truth, and it does not matter who, if anyone, gets it. In time, you will know that all that matters is that you know the truth, and that you know that FOO is dangerous and that you must protect yourself and your babies.

I rarely post here, as I have mostly been on outofthefog. But I know exactly how you are feeling right now and I just want you to know that you are not the crazy one.