Toxic Shame

[sigiriuk]

Hi All
I was wondering whether "Shame" needs a symptom heading all of its own. Mainly because it is the core injury imho.
It's a very dark topic though, and discussing it, at least for me, brings up quite painful, nihilistic feelings, and beliefs.
Some of us might not be ready to go there, and could destabilise our healing.
Maybe not such a good idea after all.......

Slim

[Candid]

It's one of those things we're likely not aware of unless and until someone else points it out.

I agree it's fundamental. It affects the way we relate to ourselves and our world, and nothing matters more than that.

[Rainydaze]

It is a dark topic but dealing with it alone is horrible. In the past year I've realized that the sheer panic I feel in many social situations has its roots in shame. To believe at your core that you're 'bad' and undeserving is so sad.  I do feel I need to work through it eventually and part of that will be feeling the pain rather than ignoring it. No idea where to start though! 

[sigiriuk]

Conquering shame may be counter-intuitive. I prefer to look at how shame has made me the person that I am today:
Not deserving or worthy of love, of good experiences, being around good people, ....pretty much everything.
Worse still, anyone who would want to be around me , must be there to punish me for my badness. Also I have little respect for those people who want to be around me...they must be disturbed in the head, if they choose to like me.

Obviously I don't think like this consciously, but it is the subtext of my life.

Slim

[Candid]

Making it conscious is probably the best way to see how crazy it is, Slim.

[sigiriuk]

Yes Candid. The problem is I am now having to face a new reality....I have been plodding along with a False Self to hide shame. The more I face my shame the more I realise that my False Self has been running the show. The person I thought I was, is in fact, a made-up person! And my True Self is quite impoverished
SLIM

[clarity]

Hi Slim

I did the same...I continue to discover the many facets of my true self and its a shock at first to face the woundedness and vulnerability of that me... although the beauty of it is she is REAL! And I hold on to that truth,because truth top trumps all else and truthful shame shines next to false bravado.  It does!!!

If we have to be tiny and shrunken as we start to heal then we are just the  barely germinated seed, the wizened acorn that can still produce an oak tree if provided with the right environment..

 

[Candid]

The more I face my shame...

I hope you're realizing none of it's justified, and tossing it out? 

... the more I realise that my False Self has been running the show.

This is good news, and better late than never. I write that for myself, as well. Once you get your eyes open to something this big, you can never go back and pretend.

The person I thought I was, is in fact, a made-up person! And my True Self is quite impoverished

I understand, but this too is good news. Your True Self has been starved, waiting in the wings, while the created self has received all the support and nourishment. The created self has done a great job of protecting you even though it's limited you, and it's not like you're about to toss out the whole construct. After all, it sprang from You.

Now you get to keep the good bits, whatever nurturing relationships you've already formed, and toss out what feels inauthentic or has now become a problem. As soon as the True Self is acknowledged, it begins to reveal itself and life gets much easier as well as more satisfying.

If we have to be tiny and shrunken as we start to heal then we are just the  barely germinated seed, the wizened acorn that can still produce an oak tree if provided with the right environment..

and bravo, clarity!

[sigiriuk]

Thank you Clarity, and Candid.

I own my Shame, which is a cocktail of emotions. Although I know that it isn't my fault; deep down, I just can't accept it yet.

In other words I still blame myself for the dents in my car, even though I didn't cause them.

When i listen to others on the Forum, i realise that i have a long way to go!

Slim

[Candid]

Although I know that it isn't my fault; deep down, I just can't accept it yet.

I understand this. Relentless abuse in early childhood leaves a kind of bug proliferating in our heads.

In other words I still blame myself for the dents in my car, even though I didn't cause them.

When horrible stuff happens to us, it's hardwired that we'll look for how we contributed to it, because we think if we had any power in the situation we can make sure it never happens again. No amount of logic overcomes a bug in the brain, though, and searching desperately for 'my own fault' is devastating for self-esteem. The bug thrives on attention, and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets.

When i listen to others on the Forum, i realise that i have a long way to go!

If you keep any kind of journal, you might want to consider writing out lots of positive statements about yourself. Do it as fast as you can, leaving the critic and censor out of it, and write as much as you can whether you think it's true or not. Include things you want to be true about you. Someone else on the forum said this practice made it easier for her to accept compliments from others.

Feel-good bugs can crowd out self-blaming bugs. It's a matter of which thoughts you give your attention.

[sigiriuk]

Thank you Candid.
Your words have calmed me down.
I will try what you suggest.
Aren't we lucky to have this forum to support each other?
Slim

[Marta 💓]

 :heythere:New here but like what Im reading. Need to be here!

[Three Roses]

Welcome Marta! 

[sigiriuk]

Hi Marta