Keeping The Momentum for Motivation?

[tea-the-artist]

this may be the case for us all or most of us, but I find as a fawn-freeze type that Pete Walker has referred to as "classic domestic violence," I've found it incredibly difficult to stay mad. I'm still living at home, but I've recently just decided i'm going to move out before the year ends and hopefully return to school in the spring.

but my issue is that i keep losing momentum. often times when i'm not on good terms with my FOO, i'm remembering the childhood trauma and how it's affected me today. but after we "get back on good terms" AKA not silent-treatmenting me or each other and trying to be joking with each other, I lose my sadness and anger. I feel content. "at least they aren't yelling at me or my brother, so why do I need to move out?" this cycle has been going on since december 2015 when i first got the offer to move in with friends.

does anyone have any tips on trying to stay focused on that? i've thought about rereading my list of bad things that's happened to me as reasons to move out, but I feel that could be retraumatizing/reliving trauma in a way. any advice or tools would be incredibly helpful!

[Dee]

I do this as well with my sister.  She can be so mean to me, but once she is nice I see what I want in her.  I try to remember that people are not black and white.  No person is all good or all bad.  This way I can accept what she does nice, while not losing track of what she does mean.  The pain she causes far outweighs anything else.  I have to remind myself of incidents.

I realized when I was doing some serious work all my triggers were my sister.  I have to remind myself maintaining a relationship really could kill me.

Perhaps you need to do a pros and cons list.  Mine is in my head, putting it on paper would be good for me as well.

[sanmagic7]

i do the same as dee - i have to keep reminding myself why i left everything, why i thought it was the best thing for me to do, why it's healthier for me not to be there, not to be with my hub.  same goes for the several people i've eliminated from my life in the past year.  gotta keep reminding myself, cuz otherwise i'll want to think it wasn't so bad.

but, i know there was a true reason for getting out of these relationships, even for just wanting to in the first place before i took any action.  part of that reason was that i was able to recognize the abuse for what it was, even tho there were those 'i feel content' times in between the abuse.  the other part was that i'd finally reached a level of recovery where self-care was more important than being willing to accept the crumbs of ok-ness between the times that weren't healthy for me.

wanting to stay, wanting to go back - that push-pull area we often find ourselves in is a transition period.  at least, that's how i picture it.  part of the process.  the more we recover our sanity and healthy thinking/being, the more we know we don't belong among those people anymore.  we're worth more than crumbs.

part of what also helps me to keep the motivation up is writing about it here.  it keeps it in front of me, and the support i get for my decision keeps me moving.  best to you with this, tea.  you'll get there.  in your own time.  big hug.

[tea-the-artist]

thank you dee and sanmagic7 for the perspectives. i like the pros/cons list for staying at home. i know the pros will have to do with everyone but myself, and the cons will be quite length. it feels like convincing myself what i already know but from an objective perspective. facing the facts constantly (which is i guess why i felt like it'd feel triggering, but i suppose that's necessary).

the more we recover our sanity and healthy thinking/being, the more we know we don't belong among those people anymore.  we're worth more than crumbs.

i definitely get this feeling time to time. i think i know this fact very much in a logical way, just keeping it in my head to convince my heart will take me a while.