New to OOTS

[hedafed]

Hello everyone, I too am new here. I found this site several months back, and can't remember if it was suggested or I stumbled upon it when I was first learning about CPTSD. I frequently have trouble with my memory, lol. I am a bit nervous, as I have never joined any sort of forum, but am glad that I may have finally found some support. I have never been formally diagnosed, but it was suggested by a previous therapist that I was experiencing PTSD symptoms. I started doing research and discovered this term and immediately felt like it resonated with the situation at hand.

A brief history of my life includes feeling traumatized by my parents divorce at a very young age, my biological father having been diagnosed as severe manic/depressive. I experienced both physical and emotional abuse by my mother, the boyfriend after my father and then from the man (whom I call dad) that raised me and my brothers. I grew up in a house that was darkened almost all the time, fearful to come home because I never knew what the mood of the house would be. We had to be quiet and walk on eggshells, so as to not disturb my dad. He is an alcoholic and pain med addict. I was bullied/made fun of at school and didn't know how to stand up for myself. I became sexually active way too early (14). I was mistreated by boys a lot of the time. In college I was sexually assaulted by my then boyfriend, as well as emotionally/mentally abused. I still was continuing to experience abuse from parental figures. Most of the symptoms I have now have developed however over the last few years in conjunction with my current 9 yr on/off relationship. I was single for right around 8 years, only having dated a little here and there. I had previously made such horrible choices in men, and thought that when this one started, I was stronger than I have actually been. There is too much detail to include it in this post, but I will say I've left and come back several times now to a man who almost risked my freedom among many, many other things. I've been to the ER over gastrointestinal issues, feeling light headed and like I was going to black out, I've had an ovary/tube/benign tumor removed and in last two years diagnosed as early menopause at the age of 38. I honestly feel like it has been caused by the copious amount of stress. I left a new job because I felt like I couldn't function and/or grasp, having extreme bouts of anxiety and panic. I isolated, have felt completely numb (can't cry much) and although I would never consider hurting myself, have often felt like if I just wasn't here, things would be better.

I apologize for the longer post, I did read to try to keep them short, and will try to do so going forward. I look forward to reading about your experiences and connecting with others who have also felt crazy and alone. Thank you for taking the time to read.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I'm glad you're here 

This forum was the first I'd ever joined too, and it's been wonderful to finally feel I'm not alone with my symptoms. Thanks for joining

[Libby12]

Hello hedafed.

So good to 'meet' you.  You summed things up so well - feeling crazy and alone, and that it would be better to just not be here.  Exactly how I feel every day.  I'm new here too,  but reading the experiences here is starting to help get a grip on my situation.  My relationship with my parents was so damaging that I am still suffering from the depression and physical symptoms after years of no contact.

All the best to you.

Libby

[Candid]

No longer alone, hedafed. You'll find gentle understanding and a lot of useful information here. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Hedafed    It's common to feel nervous as so many forums are not exactly friendly places, but we do try here to be respectful,  considerate and as safe as we can be given it's the internet.  So don't worry about posts being too long, yours was just fine. Most of us have a LOT we need to get out when we arrive here so plse don't feel constrained, we're here to support and learn from one another.

I just wanted to mention that I too had early menopause (early 40's), and have often wondered if it was due to the constant stress.   

Anyway, glad you made your way here 

[hedafed]

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. It means a great deal to know there is support and understanding here.