I deserve to be like this

[CepheidVox]

I have a part that self-sabotages. Whenever things seem like they might be improving this part will be uncomfortable and look for ways to return to a state of unhappiness and self-hate. I want to be on the shore enjoying the sun but this part of me wants to run directly into the ocean and drown in it. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and comfortable or that being better is too much responsibility and being worse is easier. I don't want to feel this way, I want to want to be recovered. I don't know how to stop ruining my life.

[Sceal]

I've had similar thoughts as you have these past days, or more like realisation it's what I'm doing. I don't quite know the answer to how to get past it yet, but I do think it lies in self-compassion and small steps. And acknowledging that the small steps are much more important than it's common to believe.

I saw there was another thread that takes things from DBT, where you put reminders of things that can distract you from the painful moments, maybe that is a small step to begin with? Another part with DBT is to stop up, re-evaluate sitations and facts. And act afterwards. Maybe stopping up and breathing before doing something destructive can be another small step? I don't really hold an answer, I'm just spitballing some thoughts.

I'm here, alongside you, fighting the dark side of the mind. And I hope you can find some peace of mind soon. *offering a hug*