Hey, new and unsure...

[Tara90]

Hi,

I am new here but unsure about things. I'm a little lost, confused and in need of answers and help really.

I am 27 and have struggled for about 10 years now on and off with depression and anxiety. It has essentially become part of who I am and as a result I have been in therapy on and off for about 5 years now. I have never seen a psychologist or psychiatrist, however I do see a therapist and have only been to my GP with Depression. So I do not have a diagnosis of CPTSD, however I am struggling to know what is wrong with me, and that's how I found myself here. I hope that's ok.

I moved out of home about 3 years ago now, but up until then I lived with my mum and dad, sister and brother. Our home was a rather chaotic and unpredictable one growing up. My mother often beat us, most days and it seemed like she was always angry, shouting at us, calling it names, etc. My father occasionally beat us but it was rare. Dad passed away last year. I was 23 the last time mum hit me, a few days ago was the last time she emotionally and verbally abused me.

What brought me here was the concept of emotional flashbacks. In recent years I have been having troubling emotional reactions to things that I thought were over the top. I tried talking to my T about them but I never got any explanation or answer. Yesterday was the latest. Maybe I could explain what happened and you guys could point me in the right direction?

I was visiting my new born cousin, there were lots of other kids around at the time, all in nappies. As i was holding the little one I suddenly felt overwhelmed, anxious and fearful just had to give her back to her mum. I was afraid I was going to hurt her even though she was sound asleep and settled in my arms. Later, I found myself holding one of the other babies there, a 4 month old who's nappy I knew was wet and in need of changing but I was terrified to do it, to say to the others that it needed changed, again normally I would have just changed the childs nappy myself and been a bit more useful, but I just couldn't so as soon as her mum came in I handed her over and her mum changed her nappy. A little more time passed and I could feel myself getting more and more overwhelmed and anxious so I gave my cousin the present I had bought for her little one, but I had bought the wrong present. Going there I knew I had bought the wrong present but was encouraged to give it anyway and normally speaking I would have been able to laugh at the situation. I couldn't though. I was shaking, and my lip wouldn't stop trembling and I just felt so so small, like I was being pulled inwards and all I wanted to do was run and hide. I dropped the present, gave her a hug and ran out the door. When I got to my car I just cried. I felt really really fragile then all evening, and tearful and just wanted to be alone.

I'm annoyed by this, by all of these episodes because they come so suddenly and I can't understand them. They are total over the top reactions to what is going on in the present and the feeling small and childlike is so overwhelming. Its horrible and I don't know what is going on. Is this what an emotional flashback feels like?

Thank you for taking the time to read this and apologies for being here, if this is the wrong place to be.

Tara x

[Three Roses]

Welcome! You are in exactly the right spot. 

A couple of things you said -

... I just felt so so small...over the top reactions....

These are dead giveaways of an EF (emotional flashback).

Pete Walker is often referenced here; here's something from his website.

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings') to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness.

From http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable here. We have lots of resources and support for you. Thanks for joining!

[Kizzie]

Hi Tara and a very warm welcome to OOTS.      From the sounds of it you did have an EF as Three Roses wrote.  Unfortunately,  based on your background it also sounds like you are in the right place.  I say "unfortunately" because no-one here wants to have CPTSD, but it does help to know we're not alone and especially that we are not crazy, but instead suffer symptoms of a psychological stress disorder that is treatable.

There are some downloads under "Resources" above that you could take to your T to help him/her understand what is Complex PTSD.   It may be that if s/he isn't able to offer you treatment s/he can point you to a colleague who has trauma training and experience (and with Complex PTSD versus simple or common PTSD because the two are different).

Glad you found your way here 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Tara 90 thank you for sharing
Yes what you describe is what I experience too that fear and terror, not coping and feeling very small .. when I learnt about emotional flashbacks it was a comfort to me that I now had a name and a framework to put my experience in .. that what happens externally taps into a hidden part of my psyche and creates this experience. Ptsd flashback without the visual compontent so harder to detect
I have a flashback management plan which helps me and I recently got a diagnosis of complex trauma from a psychiatrist
A lot of people don't have an official diagnosis but it's clear complex ptsd is their condition and then the right support/ recovery can be gained
So sorry to hear you have suffered
There is a sister site too called out of the fog which may be useful to you, it's for people still in relationship with the abusive parent/ person.

Glad you are here and have found the forum. It's been/ is such a support for me

[Tara90]

Thank you for the welcomes.

It is a comfort to finally be able to put a name to what has been going on. At the same time though its a difficult and painful concept to consider that i may have something like CPTSD as a result of my childhood. I guess i still struggle with denial and find it almost impossible to acknowledge that thi gs were bad enough to cause any damage let alone this. However i cant deny that much of what i have come across in my reading around CPTSD fits like a glove.

Tara

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi Tara
I can relate to denial and my thinking 'it wasn't bad enough' I've had that too for some time but more recently its lifted as I've found out more and got it identified ..
Now I say 'yes it was abuse, and yes it has caused damage and yes it was bad 'enough'
I've learnt as well that whatever it was like i don't compare to others e.g. 'Well I wasn't sexually abused etc' I know that that my mental and emotional state are what counts and that I deserve to be kind to myself and get the support I need to lift things further and repair / deal with my inner world