Here I am again

[Candid]

Drowning in quicksand. Tired of struggling to keep myself afloat. Not a glimmer of light on the horizon. Self-care is meaningless. I don't even want to feel better. Smoking too much and drinking one coffee after another to stop myself screaming for all eternity.

I'm not going to the crisis team this time.  I did that a few weeks ago and I know where it leads. Rah-rah suggestions and medication. I am on my third week of an anti-D I've taken before and it's one of those that knocks you down to start with. The psychiatric world will never admit there are some things that can't be medicated. Lots of things.

I need a miracle now. I wonder what that would look like.

[Three Roses]

Oh, Candid, I'm so sorry to hear this. All I can think of to say sound like hollow platitudes. 

You are not alone in how you feel. Some days I don't know how I hold my head up! And yet, we keep on keepin' on, and hope that tomorrow brings change and that better days are ahead.

I'll sit on Wife2's porch with you, big mugs of hot coffee in hand, the warm glow of a cozy fire beside us and a nice view of the sea in front.

[Lingurine]

Let's make a camp fire out of it and sing and hold hands and know you're not alone in this Candid, it is what it is, Wishing you well.

Take care

Lingurine

[sanmagic7]

having a bad day myself, candid, sweet sister of my heart.  i'm right next to you.  it just sucks!  but i've got enough for a hug, so here it is       

[silentrhino]

I have also had a bad week, I did not think I would last the night two days ago.  I won't go into detail but I was spinning out of control with flashbacks.  I have sat through those long nights and days.  I'm also here with you.

[Blueberry]

Oh Candid   
In those phases I tend to let myself do whatever, so in my case sleeping all the time or eating. So if it helps, keep on with the fags and coffee. There will be other days, they will come, I have faith in you. And then you will feel like doing a little self-care. but for now, don't try and force it, as my T would say.

Getting together on wife#2's front porch sounds a good idea too! I will do some roaring like a lion and you can do some screaming and then stand in a circle holding hands and singing songs that are fun, songs that touch our emotions, songs that help heal. If you feel like it, you can sit in the middle and smoke fags and just listen to us, instead of having to join in.

[sanmagic7]

wife2's porch and the surrounding area, with the fire and ocean is coming in really handy.  i love picturing all of us hanging out there.  it's comforting and soothing to me, smoothing the rough edges.

i agree with blueberry about not beating yourself up for doing what you need to do right now to get through this.  i've done that myself, and found that it eases everything more quickly.  we can do whatever we want, whatever feels best for us with no outside criticism.  or inner criticism, for that matter. 

we'll stay with you, candid.  big hug!

[Dee]

Believe me, I know, crisis teams are no fun.  I do know sometimes they are necessary.  That silly safety plan that they have us do.....actually works.

I am currently on a medication roller coaster, I agree with you on that one.  However, not on the crisis team.  It sucks, takes time, and after awhile I just want to go home because I wish I never asked for help.  The point is I am able to buy me the time I need to the point where all I want to do is go home and forget the night/day/week ever happened.  During the waiting, I somehow calm down, lose unhelpful motivation, and go on to fight another day.

Going to an ER, making the call, doing whatever it is, is an act of courage.  It is mortifying, humiliating sometimes, and lifesaving too.  For me, I have to get out of the hotspot.  Dark days happen, it's what we do with them that counts. 

[sanmagic7]

yes, you're absolutely correct.  doing what needs to be done is an act of courage, one that many people just couldn't bring themselves to do.  hang on, sweetie.  we're hangin' right beside you!  big hug!

[Wife#2]

Candid - I so wish I could shower you with self-acceptance, just as you are. Saturate you in knowing that you are a worthy human being and that there are many besides just me who are glad you stepped into our lives!  And that medical professionals are learning on the job - that's why they call it a practice.

We care about you, not for what you've been through, not for what you've had happen or for what you have done or are doing. We care about you because, through your words, we've begun to see the real you, the beautiful you. 

[Candid]

Thank you all for your support here and in PMs. I wrestled with the decision for a while, then decided to live.

How could I walk away from the porch? I've just slung a big hammock between two posts.

[sanmagic7]

yippee ai kai yay!  welcome back, sweetie.  your hammock is fabulous, dahlink!   big hug!