God is always watching you

[hurtbeat]

Thanks Wife#2

I feel like God is never here to speak for himself directly, he is always seen through the eyes of others as they perceive him.
Therefore what we learn is always someone else's idea of God and a part of my mothers beliefs are living on through me and my memories of what I learned as a child.

I am currently in a 12-step program and God is mentioned from time to time, it triggers a cringe in me even though I know that others have their own different view on what God is to them.
Most people tell me that it's about your own personal growth and that God or a "higher power" is your higher self that nurtures and cares for you.

If your higher self is judging and controlling then "God" and the world will seem judging and controlling as well.

[Blueberry]

rather a lot more focus on "being right" and doing everything just right, kind of like OCD.

I can relate a bit hurtbeat because this is what it was like for me growing up, but it wasn't a religious thing, it's just the way my M was. It's taken me a long time to even begin to believe that it's OK to make mistakes, that you aren't born perfect knowing the absolutely correct way to do everything, especially since there is no "absolutely correct way".  I'm so sorry, hurtbeat, because for you with the religious abuse on top of it - it wasn't just a parent looking for your 'errors' all day but GOD watching over you looking for them... How horrible.

I actually progressed in my understanding of God / Higher Power - however you perceive him/her to be - through the 12 Step program. But I can understand with you growing up in the atmosphere you did that it'll be triggering for you.

[hurtbeat]

Thanks Blueberry!

I've been thinking a lot about the old beliefs and values nowadays.
Right now it seems so silly to me that we think that we are in control, all we can really do is nudge things in the directions we want to go and hope it works out.
I can drive a car perfectly but someone else might mess up and kill me, I'll never know for sure what might happen.

Thinking like this is helpful to me now, it opens up for doing things without being able to imagine the outcome.
Usually my imagined outcome might prevent me from doing something but now I try and see every activity as something positive in it's own way no matter what it leads to.


I know that there are 12-step programs for spiritual abuse as well but not where I live, although I have met another person through the program who is also immersed in spiritually abusing himself.
I am thinking that I'll try and keep an open mind and let any spirituality come to me naturally if I am ready.

(See how I am letting go of control? It is SO relaxing to not feel responsible for everything. Wish I knew this years ago). 

[sanmagic7]

the pain and damage perpetrated on children because of their parents' religious belief system is, i believe, a sin in itself.   that you have all survived the best way you can is a testament to your own strength of spirit.  to tell a child that 'god is watching' as a form of control goes to the very soul.  how much more damaging can that be?

i honor you all for what you have come through, no matter what form it takes.  i thoroughly believe that as you are able to get out from under the self-destructive 'god' of your childhood, your own manner of self-destructive habits will lessen and finally disappear.  you all are so much worth more than what you were taught. 

i know what it's like to live in fear and anxiety, having to be perfect, do everything right.  my god was my dad and i felt, like with any god, that if/when i messed up, there was a chance that his love would be taken from me.  how could i survive that?  how can any child survive that fear?  the best ways they know how.

no shame, no blame, no judgment if we turn to cigs, booze, food, whatever to ease that fear.  it is such a huge burden to live under, to carry on our shoulders when we are such precious little people.   this stuff makes my heart sick.

kudos to you, wife2, as always.  you are so careful with your son on so many levels.  he is so lucky to have you for a mom.  blessings to you all, and may angel wings enfold you and comfort you.

[Candid]

Most people tell me that it's about your own personal growth and that God or a "higher power" is your higher self that nurtures and cares for you.

If your higher self is judging and controlling then "God" and the world will seem judging and controlling as well.

That's my kind of spiritual take, hurtbeat. Much better than having a god in my head that's as judgmental and punitive as my parents. The worst my god will do is shake It's head with a rueful smile when I do somethin' stoopid. Mostly It's on my side and loves me unconditionally no matter what.

[Miss C]

Is there anyone else out there who, like me, feel like you are always being watched even when you're alone?
I felt like that as a child in my strict Christian family, God was always there to watch and judge even when my mother couldn't.
Always reading your mind.
Always knowing everything.
Always silently judging you.

I feel that my mother is always watching, and therefore judging me, based on her religious system, even though I am out of the high control group she raised me in. I know that God is always watching, but it doesn't bother me because he/it knows my heart, and is watching not just with judgment, but with equal mercy and love.

[Candid]

I don't need God or NM to be watching me; NM did such a good job of judging me and ever finding me wanting that I do it all by myself. 

[Wife#2]

  to you, Candid, and all the others on this thread.