No control over sleep/waking

[Rain12]

I feel absolutely terrible about this. I have almost no control over when I sleep and wake. It causes so many problems and whenever it happens I feel SO guilty. People get angry at me for not making it to things but I'm literally unconscious and I have no control over when I wake up.

I think most people are just like "set an alarm and wake up" but for me walking up is like being deep underwater, and I don't have the ability to fight it. Whenever my body has the ability to actually sleep it takes it hard and I have little control over it.

I've had sleep problems for as long as I can remember. When I try and fall asleep at night I start to relax and then I jerk awake. I have to sleep with my back to a wall or surrounded by cushions, covering the most vulnerable parts of my body but not touching them. Whenever I settle into my body too much I can feel what happened to me and it's horrible.

As a kid and a teenager I was told I was lazy and lacking willpower and I "just needed to go to bed earlier" but I couldn't sleep until all the adults in the family were also asleep. Then I'd get yelled at in the morning for not being able to get out of bed.

Even now I feel incredibly guilty and ashamed and embarrassed about it. It causes so many problems. I don't know how to tell people it's like this deep unconsciousness I can't fight even with an alarm.

[sanmagic7]

something tells me it's body memories you're dealing with.  the shame and guilt belong to the people who caused them.  i would guess that as you get farther into recovery and resolve some of those issues, get them out of your body, so to speak, you will have an easier, more natural time of it.  don't give up.  just my opinion, tho. 

it must be horrible to feel what's been done to you just when you begin to relax.  you're suffering because of what someone else did.  it's not a matter of going to bed at a different time, or setting an alarm.  those memories are true and real and are in control for now.  keep putting one foot in front of the other, ophelia.  you'll get there and eventually will be able to sleep well and at rest.  big hug. 

[fullofsoundandfury]

Oh, sweetheart. I am so sorry you're experiencing all of this. It's tragic the way early abuse plays out and continues to torment us in varied ways through the years.

I relate to and understand some of what you describe. I can't go to sleep. It affects my life badly. I do know a little bit about what your body feels like. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Do you have access to good information about CPTSD, and some of the gentle things we can do to begin feeling safer in our bodies?

Would you consider telling a doctor about all this, with all the information, and seeing if they could help? Maybe you need a sleep medicine for short term help.