Trigger Warning: Gaslighting regarding possible sexual abuse

[greendoor]

Hi,

I haven't been here for a while. I am having a weird moment, my hands are tingling as I type this. Yikes. I was watching a video today about gaslighting and realizing how much my mom has done that my whole life. It sparked a memory, and I am wondering if gaslighting has to do with it.

Where to start. I have a BPDm who was a hardcore alcoholic drug user when I was a child. She was a rager too. I KNOW i blocked out a lot of trauma. As far as C-PTSD, I believe I have it and I typically freeze and dissociate. I have been around people from my childhood lately and they are bringing up memories that I had blocked, and then now I have recovered some of them, but I know I have a lot of stuff that I am repressing.

However, I have one memory that I never repressed. I think my whole life I thought it was normal, until I had children. Trigger warning.

Please if this is too much forgive me, I just don't know where else to take this and I need insight. Because maybe it is normal.

I have memories of first of all my entire life I was not allowed to wear underwear to sleep in. My mom told me it was bad for my privates to wear underwear. I thought this was normal, one night I was 6 or so and a friend was spending the night and I told her she needed to take off her underwear to sleep. I thought everyone did that. She freaked out and told our parents, her mom was partying at our house that night. She said, "Mom, Green Door is telling me I need to take off my underwear so my vagina can breathe!!!" I was shocked. To me it was like reminding a friend to brush their teeth. I didn't want to see her privates. I wasn't trying to abuse her at all. Just like, wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. My mom thought it was so funny. But I was confused because she had always made it sound like I would get an infection down there if I wore underwear.

Then there is this "scenario" she told me that she would have to come into my room at night with a flashlight to check my bottom for pin worms. I have never had pinworms in my life. Again, I thought this was normal, to expect a parent to come into your room while you are sleeping to check your bottom for pinworms. Except, now it seems weird because I have NEVER done that to my kids.

Finally, I have memories of having to lie down on the floor without pants on so that my mom or dad could rub vasoline on my vagina area. The reason they told me was because I had an infection down there because of bubble bath, and the dr. asked them to. So trusting them, I would do it. I have several memories of this. I even have one of me coming down the hall asking for vasoline down there. This has always seemed reasonable to me, because i had heard that bubble bath can cause infections. But aren't those bladder infections for which you would take an antibiotic and cranberry juice? My dd had a bladder infection and i NEVER once rubbed vasoline on her privates.

It also bothers me how willing I was. I didn't have sexual feelings at all, but it was just super trusting. My kids are very private. I know if I even suggested this they would freak out. But I would never suggest it or feel comfortable at all with anything like this.

On a side note. I do feel like (and have felt for years) that I was sexually abused at some point in my life, but blocked it out. When I was younger I told myself that I was just being dramatic, or trying to get attention (which is not true because I never told anyone--so no attention). But I have these strange partial memories of swim class at a daycare and changing rooms and the weird windows. And now when I try to remember it, I get this strange headache like stabbing pain right above my right eyebrow. EVERY SINGLE TIME  I try to remember. The pain is right there. So I stopped trying to remember thinking maybe I am not ready to remember.

But today I was thinking about this incident in my home. Is this normal behavior? I don't know what to think about it? Is it strange at all? I am not saying I was  molested by my parents, but just that I think it is weird. And I brought it up to my mom one time and she totally acted like I was crazy and remembering it wrong. But she did that with my uncle too. I was in high school and he trapped me in a room and started coming on to me. I told her, and she blew it off like it was nothing. Or that I was being dramatic.

This is why when I was in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend, and he threatened to kill me and he sexually assaulted me (which I had also blocked out for several months at the time) I didn't tell her, I thought she would blow me off.

Anyways, please help me understand what is going on? Does it sound like this was weird? Does it sound like I might be repressing memories of sexual abuse at that school because of the weird headaches? Please share your thoughts. Sorry if I shared TMI.

[Chessa]

Greendoor,
  I am sorry for what you have gone through. This does not sound like normal behavior to me (regarding parents) at all!
  Be well!

[Libby12]

Hi greendoor.

Don't apologise for this post at all.  I am really pleased you shared all of this because the situations you have described are similar to things I have been wondering about.

I don't have anything like the vague swimming related memory.  That does sound as if there really is a memory there.  It sounds like a very scary feeling and maybe it will become clearer when you are ready to deal with it.

However,  I really relate to the other things you talked about.  I too was not allowed to wear underwear to bed and was given much the same reasons. Also,  I have a very clear memory from about six years old of having some sort of bladder issue or infection that required cream to be applied down below and a dressing of some sort taped into place, so that I couldn't pass urine for a certain amount of time,  until the dressing was due to be changed.  This was ironic because I was told I had caused the problem by holding onto my wee.  I think I did do this, mainly because my nm was always so cross with me,  including about needing to go to the loo.  She compounded the issue by telling other parents all about it and soon their children bullied me about it.  Like you, I have wondered if there was some link with sexual abuse behind all this.  I just don't know but it was definitely abuse - maybe physical but definitely emotional.

I say this, and perhaps you will relate,  because I think the real issue is that these harmful parents just think they own you,  body and soul.   They may not,  and probably didn't get any sexual satisfaction from these actions, but they got absolute control over their child. And that was their goal.

Other things I found unsettling in childhood were things like this. 

My nm would send my ef into the bathroom on the rare occasion I was allowed a bath, to collect a kitchen towel from the cupboard in the bathroom.   Mother rarely changed these towels so it always seemed like a big coincidence.  When I grew older and complained,  they mocked my prudery.   

My parents liked to sleep naked - not even underwear for them,  and I hated bumping into them at night.  I hated seeing ef in a state of arousal. The issue was compounded by the fact that they didn't just treat this as normal, they were so openly proud.  It was almost flaunting,  and laughing at me for being such a prude.

They discussed sex whilst my sister and I were in the car with them.  The discussion wasn't overt, but it was clear to me from a very young age, what they were talking about.

I am sorry that this is so long but I think I am getting to the point now. And it is one that you might possibly relate to.

Sexual abuse wasn't discussed in the seventies like it is today and yet I spent the whole of this decade so aware of it. I was aged five to fifteen.  Where did this fear come from?  It was so in my consciousness , that one Christmas I felt that I could not leave my father and my mother's mother alone in the sitting room.   I have always been so ashamed that I thought something sexual would happen if I left. This fear was based on no events I am aware of, it's preposterous and I am so full of shame that I have never spoke of or written about this in the forty years since it happened. I have other similar memories but this is the most vivid.

The only explanation I can come up with is that my parents were highly sexual,  and for some reason I picked up on this far too much and from far too young an age. My parents were never physically affectionate to me, not even when I was a baby. I believe , so I think that early in life, I began to equate too many wrong things with sex. For example,  my nm never held my hand as a small child,  but loved to hold hands in public with ef.  Consequently,  I was embarrassed by this and got upset,  something nm has never forgiven me for as she told me in our final meeting when I was nearly fifty.

I hope all of these ramblings make some sense and actually relate to what you are worried about in your post. I have never really talked about any of this, just a little to my husband.   I think I feel ashamed of being aware of sexual matters from such an early age, but I could only have got this awareness from my inappropriate parents.   I still think it was all about having power over me, which was nm's main goal in regard to me.  It is said that rape is about power and not about sex, so perhaps there is a sort of parallel here?

Finally,  do you think the sort of things we have both discussed with regards to are parents comes under the heading of emotional incest? I have heard of this term but am unsure of it. Perhaps some of the wise people here on OOTS can shed some light on this whole murky area.

Thank you so much for being so brave in bringing this up.  I have a real headache now, but it has been so helpful for me to express all of this.

Best wishes,

Libby.

[Hope66]

Hi Greendoor,

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your experiences, and I agree with Libby12 - please don't apologise for posting - it has been really helpful to me to read your experiences and also those of Libby12 - I relate so much to much of what you have both written.

I don't want to trigger myself too much just now, as I've got work I need to do this afternoon - but I really relate to so many things that you've both said.

Take care,

Hope 

[Dee]

I wanted to add, but also admit I didn't read all the posts.  I've been reading it bit by bit since it was posted because it is so very triggering.

I have recently began to question my normal growing up.  I know there are things I didn't do with my own children because I didn't like it, but I didn't realize that it wasn't normal.  My therapist and I discussed this a few weeks ago.  These things were not normal, but I had no way to know.  Also, therapy can stir up memories and cause a person to start questioning.  I am glad that I at least didn't continue rituals that I hated because it didn't feel right.  It is painful to start realizing the extent of the abuse.

[Three Roses]

I've never heard of using Vaseline for infections. For irritation, maybe? The rest of the stuff does sounds kinda weird.

I think if you get headaches from trying to remember, you shouldn't proceed without help. Remembering repressed memories without the help of a therapist wrecked me, and it took me a long time to feel better.

[Hope66]

Hi Three Roses,

I'm glad I found your reply here, as I had just been mentioning what you'd said (from my memory of it) in my own diary - and you really helped me by saying about proceeding with caution when thinking about past memories cause headaches - I often find my body reacting with a headache if I am thinking about a past memory. 

Hope