feeling joyless

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

In therapy today another facet of the damage my n-mom did to me kind of hit home.  I don't even want to get into it, but she just made me feel so utterly hopeless.  It's an old feeling, and familiar.  I feel so heavy and tired. 

There has been a lot of stressful stuff going on lately for my husband and I and we haven't really had much opportunity to enjoy one another's company.  He's just got a new job which is way better than his last one, so that's wonderful and I can see a change in his confidence and happiness.

I'm trying not to bring him down during the times we're together but it's really frustrating because we can't be close if we don't communicate, but if I do communicate about how I'm feeling and what's going on with me, that usually doesn't work out and it leaves me feeling humiliated and rejected.  I either level with him and explain exactly how I'm doing and why, or I keep it vague and try to act like it's all good and I'm just a little tired.  If I'm honest he kind of shuts down usually and seems drained afterward, even though he does try to be affectionate or say something nice.  If I'm not honest he just gets really frustrated with me.  I feel like I can't win.

Tonight was the first night in a long time when I thought we might get a couple hours just to enjoy, but it turns out I'd forgotten that he promised to make an appearance at some friends' party and so after getting off work he did his homework, we ate dinner and then he pretty much headed out.  I didn't want to go and I don't think anyone wanted me there either.  I can't seem to manage myself at parties.  I'm either too friendly or too standoffish.  I do best if I just get really drunk and stay quiet, but I'm sober now and that's another reason it wouldn't have been good for me to go. 

I guess I just wanted him to say he'd miss me or something.  He just kind of reassured me that it would be worse for both of us if I went, since I'd freak out and he'd be stressed out too.  And then he worried about my being able to get to sleep without him etc.  In the car as I was driving him there we were trying to talk about how hard it's been to feel close lately, and I joked that I feel like his depressive wife who he just has to take care of.  But he just sort of laughed and said "pretty much."

In therapy today my therapist asked me if there was anything I felt safe hoping for.  I started shaking and had to calm down.  I was able to identify a two things I look forward to: coffee in the morning and getting in bed at night.  The rest of my time is relatively joyless. 

I feel like a burden to my husband.  I feel like he resents me, but he'll only admit to that sometimes.  It's better when he does.  Now that his work life is going better and he's spending more time with people capable of having fun I kind of worry that he won't want to spend time with me anymore.  Or that he'll find someone better or easier.  Someone who can actually be physically intimate without having a panic attack. 

On the drive home I was trying to think of things I do for fun or things I enjoy, and the list is pretty short.  A lot of the things on it are things I consider "technically" pleasurable, but I don't feel happy most of the time doing them.  I don't leave my house alone unless I have to for work, an errand or an appointment.  Most of what passes for enjoyment lately is anything that causes a brief respite from complete numbness or overwhelming emotional and physical pain. 

I know that so much of this is my own mental block but I can't seem to get around it.  It terrifies me to think of letting my guard down and most of the time I can't make myself.  And then sometimes when I manage it with my husband, if I am able to be vulnerable, he says or does something that makes me feel rejected or mortified. 

It's hard to want to continue sometimes.  It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know that it's there.

[sanmagic7]

i think that as long as you know that light's there, you'll eventually reach it.  it gives you a goal to shoot for, to move toward, and to work at.  this relationship stuff can be rough - i hope you get a chance to really sit down, have some time to talk about your concerns and to get some reassurance from him.

wishing you all the best during this time of struggle, glowcloud.  i hope you can make some progress and make it thru  to your satisfaction.  big hug.

[Kat]

You really nailed just how difficult all this relationship stuff is.  Like you, I want a partner who gets it and supports me, but I also understand how tough that can be.  I don't want a martyr, but I don't want to be alone either.  Finding someone who is big enough to hold all the trauma we've experienced and its aftermath is a tall order.  In my case, I'm realizing I've never had any real support; in fact, I've had quite the opposite.  I know what I'm saying isn't helpful at all.  I guess I just want to acknowledge the difficult situation you're in and commiserate a bit.  I'm sorry any of us has to deal with this misery.